James MacDonald - Getting Unstuck from Sexual Sin - Part 1
Summary:
The preacher distinguishes worldly grief—self-focused regret over consequences and weakness—from godly grief, which sorrows deeply over how sin insults God and shows ingratitude for Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, leading to true repentance and salvation without regret (2 Corinthians 7:10). Using the prodigal son in Luke 15 as the model, he describes genuine repentance as a profound change in mind (coming to senses), heart (no longer worthy), and will (arising to act and make a plan for victory). The urgent call is to renounce rationalizations for sexual sin, make restitution, confess appropriately, and seek a crisis of godly sorrow that produces earnestness, indignation, zeal, and lasting change, warning that shallow worldly repentance leads to death.
Worldly vs. Godly Repentance
Most often, we have regret. Why am I like this? Why do I do this? Why am I so weak? Sorry, I’m this way. Sorry you don’t like how this affects you. Sorry I’m in this trouble now. Worldly repentance is just the flip side of the same old selfishness.
Godly repentance is grief over what my sin says to God, grief over what my sin communicates about God and what I think about what He’s done for me. Let God crush you with the weight of that. Come, Holy Spirit, now and crush us with the weight of our sin and what it says about our ingratitude for the cross.
Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret; worldly grief produces death. No, obviously that doesn’t mean he died because everyone’s going to die, whether their repentance is godly or worldly. That means second death, lake of fire death.
A lifetime of worldly shallow repentance is the road to hell; it produces death.
Characteristics of Godly Repentance
Here are the characteristics of godly repentance: earnestness. See what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you! Eagerness to clear yourselves. Indignation! This doesn’t rouse me anymore; it repulses me.
This doesn’t tempt me; it grieves me. This doesn’t light me up; I love it. What indignation! What fear! What longing! What zeal! Those are characteristics of a heart that is revived.
What punishment! Look how hard you’ve become on any opportunity to sin. You would punish yourself before you gave yourself a chance to fall into something so shameful again. That’s repentance.
The Prodigal Son as Model
Let me give it to you as clearly as I can: the prodigal son is the poster boy for repentance. I’ve preached on this many, many, many times, but I understand that things that are very familiar to me may not be as familiar to you. So allow me to review.
The prodigal son in Luke 15 is the one who ran away from his dad. He thought he knew better. He took his money, off he went; he ended up living like a pig. Then he ended up moving in with the pigs.
These three things happened; this is repentance: it’s mind, emotions, will. Okay, his mind: he came to his senses. He looked around and said, «Look at my life, look at my marriage! How did I get here? This isn’t what I wanted.»
What he saw as attractive, he now is sickened by. That’s a change of mind—metanoia—a change of mind, but different thinking. They don’t see it the same way anymore.
Change of Heart and Will
A change of mind and a change of heart. He thought he was so big time, he gave a rude gesture to his father and took off prematurely with the inheritance. Now, he’s walking home and he’s working on his speech.
He’s like, «I’m not even worthy to be your son! I thought I was too good to be in this family. Now I’m not even worthy to be in this family.» What a change, right? You’re not big time anymore, are you?
God has to take some of us very low. God has got to tear from you that arrogant independence: «I can handle this; look at me.» That prodigal son, he was repenting big time.
He came to his senses; he said, «I’m no longer worthy.» And then I love this part: even when he was still in that pigsty, he said, «I will arise; I will go to my father; I will say to my father.»
And when repentance is happening in the mind and in the heart, the will is forming a plan of action. This is what I’m going to do; this is how I’m going to get this right; this is how I’m going to make sure it’s not, «Oh, oh God, I’m so sorry.» That’s worldly sorrow!
Real repentance is making a plan to live in victory.
Addressing Sexual Sin
I must admit that sexual sin is breaking God’s law. I must acknowledge the consequences of sexual sin. I must repent of sexual sin. I must renounce all rationalizations for sexual sin. Do you understand that?
Look up here, please, loved ones. Do you understand that temptation—the word temptation—is actually from, «Hey, check out this big fish I caught a couple summers ago?» And hands up, fishermen and fisherwomen, who likes to fish?
And the thing that happens in fishing is so cool because you take this crazy-looking shiny sharp thing and you put it in the water and it sparkles, and the fish is like, «Ah!» He’s attracted to how it looks, and he’s attracted to what he imagines it will taste like.
If you’re a really good fisherman, you might have sprayed it with something, so there’s some smell involved with it. Just think about that fish as he opens his mouth. What he thinks is going to happen is way different than when you go, «Huh!» You sink that hook, and he’s yanked out.
It is a little weird that we love doing that, but that’s what temptation is. It looked, it attracted, it smelled, and I thought it would, and it ended up being something very, very different. It’s the deception of sexual sin.
Shut these rationalizations down! You won’t change if you don’t destroy the rationalizations; these have to be torn down.
Common Rationalizations
Shut them down: Number one: «I deserve this.» That’s the pleasure rationalization. I deserve this. I’m taking care of this family. I’m a faithful mother. I work hard; I am not thanked. I deserve this.
I’m not even going to take the time to dismantle these; hopefully, hearing them in public will produce an adequate amount of exposure. Second one: «This is my one weakness.» I’m strong; I read my Bible; I, you know, I’m sure at church; I, you know, I pray at meals. This is my one thing.
Surely God’s going to grade on a curve here! This isn’t about earning salvation; that’s a works-oriented, unsaved way of thinking. This is about honoring Christ and having a legacy of obedience to my family versus passing on the rancid blanket of my trashy secret life.
The sins of the fathers are visited upon the sons to the third and fourth generation of those who hate Him. This may be an issue in your life because it was an issue in your father’s life or your grandfather’s life. Who’s going to break this pattern? We need a crisis!
Down with these rationalizations: «I deserve this, » the pleasure rationalization. «It’s my one weakness, » the personal rationalization. «I can handle this, » that’s the pride rationalization.
«I haven’t signed up for anything; I haven’t put my credit cards just peeking. I’m just peeking, just a peeker. No one will know. Just when I’m out of town, there’s no way it could be found out, » as though the biggest problem is it being found out, with no regard for your relationship with God.
«No one will know, » and this is the worst one: «This angers me! You’d have to know my situation; you’d have to know my marriage; you’d have to understand.» God understands, and you’re wrong about that. You’re flat-out wrong about that.
Any deficiency in the intimacy of your marriage is designed and allowed by God to push you toward a solution to that problem, whatever it is. It’s not to be—it’s not for a workaround.
Making Restitution
I must make restitution for sexual sin. I must make restitution; you’re going to make it right. Real repentance: you didn’t stay in a far country. The prodigal son came home, and I’m going to talk a lot more about this next week, but you need to confess to someone—not your spouse.
James 5:16 says, «Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed.» That’s where I’ll start the message next time, Lord willing. But before we can get there, we need a crisis.
Answering Questions
I’m aware that some of you have sent questions, and I’m going to try to answer a couple right now. Let’s just be as still as we can, please. Don’t pack up; nothing’s over; just be still, please.
My wife refuses my advances and says she can’t change. What else can I do? Well, I was just on that subject. You can take your wife and put your arms around her and tell her you’re sorry for anything that you’ve done that has hindered her capacity to give herself freely to that relationship.
Tell her that you want to go together and get counseling—not because you’re focused on what her issues are, but you want to understand better what you might be doing that could be making those things worse. You can blame her family of origin for the first couple of years after marriage, but after that, it’s what you two have become together!
Alright? That’s what it is; it’s what you two have become together. So you can do better, and you will. I believe you will.
What do I do if I know it’s wrong, but I do it anyway? Alright, well, that is the scary question right there, and if you’re at the place where you’re starting to see failure as inevitable, you should leave here today.
You should get by yourself in a room, get on your face—I mean literally down on your face before God—with your nose in your Bible—and you should stay there until you’re weeping profoundly. Second Timothy 2:25 says that God grants repentance, and if you’re anywhere near that, I don’t care anymore.
The Bible says that the Spirit of God will not always strive with all men, and I fear for your soul if you’re at the place where you’ve begun to see failure as inevitable. When you’re managing sin, you’re in big danger! If you’re not deeply grieved, if it’s scheduled failure, I fear for your soul.
Suspecting a Spouse
What should I do if I suspect my spouse is in sexual sin? Well, that would depend. I think that if you’re—if it’s the husband, I think you should lovingly and gently inquire. If you’re the wife, you should do the same.
But again, let me just say that hurt destroys as many marriages as sexual sin does, and I’ve seen it again and again. «He doesn’t care; he doesn’t care; she finds out; now he cares; she doesn’t care.» And so Satan wants to destroy your marriage.
If he can’t take it out through him, if he gets on his knees and gets humbled, now he’s going to take it out through her. And I would say, by the way, you don’t owe your spouse any explicit details about failure.
If Dr. Higby was up here right now, I’m sure he would say you don’t owe your spouse any details; that is just a cultivation of hurt. «Honey, this has been a struggle for me, and I’m going to be getting with my brothers this week, and we’re going to be—seriously! I want you to know I’m serious about our marriage being the highest part of my life. In any way that I’ve hurt you, I’m deeply sorry.» And then grace should come from that.
Do you have any idea of the temptation? I don’t want to be sympathetic, but this is not an easy subject to have victory over. We’re swimming in a sea of sewage and trying to be pure, and that is not to excuse sin.
This has not been a light-hearted message, but God’s grace will advance God’s purposes in your marriage. Let’s give grace to the person who’s repenting today and see ourselves clearly.
Why Sexual Sin Is Different
Last question, and we’re going to stand for prayer: Why does scripture seem to treat sexual sin differently than other sins? This came up earlier in the message because it is a different sin—it is a different sin.
The reason it’s different is because it is a sin against your body, the Bible says, and it is destructive to the fabric of the way that God made you. The sexual experience—their claim is that other than your desire for self-preservation and your desire for food, the sexual drive is the strongest drive.
Because of that, it drives people very deeply into some pretty aberrant behavior, and that is very addictive. It’s contrary to God’s plan, and the further you get outside the boundaries, the worse it gets.
I pray for the single adults in our church; I honestly am so burdened for some of the men in our church that are 25, 26, 27, 28. Pick a girl! What is wrong with you?
I understand that’s kind of funny in a way, so let me say it again without any laughter: Pick a girl! This church is teeming with godly women! «Yeah, but she’s just a little…» Get a mirror! What is wrong with you?
You’d rather live in sexual temptation and struggle than in a joyful, life-giving, mutually satisfying relationship? «Well, you know, we dated for a while; there’s a couple of things I wasn’t…» Look! You’re not in a grocery store!
«Find a wife; he who finds a wife finds a good thing!» Grow up together and give yourselves to one another! As I said in the message last week, quoting Dietrich Bonhoeffer, «Love doesn’t make a marriage; marriage makes the love.» You learn to love in marriage! Stop trying to find it, and commit yourself to building it.
Closing Prayer
Oh Holy Spirit of God, come and use Your Word to convict Your church! Never have we walked in the path that You prescribed and not experienced the joy that You promise. Often, we have wandered into what You forbid and found that You are right.
No sinful pleasure compensates for the guilt and the shame and the defeat and the lost favor. If we have been content with so little for so long, living on scraps in a garbage heap, when the King of the universe invites us to His banquet table, forgive us for preferring what is fast and easy instead of longing for what is deep and satisfying.
Call us today from these lowlands up into the heights of loving You with pure hearts. Forgive us for the times that we have raised filthy hands in worship. Forgive us for the times that we have not attended to our marital responsibilities because we have selfishly found satisfaction elsewhere.
Make men lovers and leaders of their families; make women pure and chaste and holy unto their husbands and unto God. Strengthen the single adults in our church and help them to find one another and choose love and faithfulness.
Will You not revive us again that your people might rejoice in You? Come, let us reason together. Though your sins be as scarlet, they can be as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, they can be as wool.
If you refuse and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword, but if you humble yourself, you can live on the fat of the land! O God, be at work in our church today! Seal these matters to our heart; grant to the men and women of our church important, life-giving, grace-filled conversation.
Give us eyes to see our own faults and not the faults of others. Let us give the grace that we so desperately need. As we move through this week, don’t let the enemy steal away the seed that’s been sown in our hearts.
We need a crisis; we’re asking for it. You know how to give good gifts to Your children, so grant repentance to Your church today, to every willing heart. This we pray in the precious name of Jesus. Amen.