Greg Laurie - Hope for Hurting Marriages (12/20/2017)
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Pastor Greg Laurie brings hope to hurting marriages in Matthew 19, pointing to God's plan where a man leaves his parents and cleaves to his wife as one flesh—what God joins no one should separate. He shares personal stories, warns against quick divorce, and shows that with biblical commitment, forgiveness, and Christ at the center, happy fulfilling marriages are possible even after tough storms.
The Reality of Marriage Struggles Today
Well, let's turn in our Bibles now to Matthew chapter 19. The title of my message is Hope for Hurting Marriages. I heard a story about a fourth grade Sunday school teacher who was doing a talk on marriage. So she turned to her class and said, "Kids, does anyone know what the Bible says about marriage?" One little boy raised his hand—it seems like it's always a little boy. And he says, "Yes, the scripture I'm thinking of is, 'Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.'" Now, judging by the way a lot of marriages go these days, you can almost understand why he would say that.
I've often said marriage is like a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. In fact, it was Oscar Wilde who said, and I quote, "The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life." End quote. J. Paul Getty, one of the richest men who ever lived, said, quote, "I would give my entire fortune for one happy marriage." He had five of them. Apparently none of them were ever happy.
So a happy marriage—is that even possible? Can a man and a woman fall in love like they do in the fairy tales and live happily ever after? Well, with the divorce rate where it's at today, one wonders. It's somewhere around 50%, give or take a couple of points, and it continues to rise. The more times you're married, the higher the percentages are that you will get divorced. If you've been married a second time, your divorce rate could be at 60%. And for a third marriage, it rises even higher to 73%.
But the title of my message is not No Hope for Hurting Marriages. It's Hope for Hurting Marriages. Maybe as you're listening to this message right now, your marriage is in big trouble. It's hanging by a thread, and the thread is on fire. You're even considering divorce. You've given up. But I want to offer hope from the Word of God.
Is a Happy, Fulfilling Marriage Still Possible?
So back to that earlier question: Is it possible to have a happy and fulfilling marriage? I believe the answer is a resounding yes. Quick product promotion: I wrote a book called Married Happily. And my wife and I are on the cover because we're married happily. It can be done. And if it wasn't true, I wouldn't tell you it was true. So I want you to experience that as well.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting that there's a marriage that has no problems or won't face challenges. Every marriage comes under pressures and difficulties and hardships. But I do believe it is possible to have a very fulfilling marriage if you do it right.
And I think I can speak with some experience on this topic for three reasons. Number one, I've been up close and personal with divorce. I myself have never been divorced. But my mother was married and divorced seven times. Don't tell me it doesn't affect the kids. Anyone who says that has never had parents who divorced. I know how it affected me. It was devastating. And so I've seen what divorce can do. In fact, that very thing caused me to have a greater determination to find the right girl and have a successful marriage personally.
The second reason I think I can address this topic is because I've been married now for 37 years. And I'm thankful to God for that. And we give the Lord the glory for that. And I tell you, when you look at my wife, you think she doesn't even look like she's 37 years old. But it's hard to believe—37 years.
And thirdly, I've been counseling people with marital problems for almost 40 years now. I've pretty much heard and seen it all. And let me say this at the beginning: I believe that most of the divorces that have happened did not need to happen. Now, there are exceptions to that, and we will grant that. But I'm just saying most of them did not have to happen. I've seen marriages in the worst shape imaginable be put back together.
A Biblical Worldview: Thinking God's Way About Marriage
So when someone comes in to me for counseling, I'll often ask them a few questions. I'll start with, "Are you guys both Christians?" And almost always they'll answer, "Oh yes, we're Christians. And that's why we're here to see you." And so then I'll ask them, "Well, let me ask you, do you believe that the Bible is the Word of God?" And they'll say, "Oh yes, we believe the Bible is the Word of God. We love the Word of God."
But now, third question: "Are you willing to do what the Bible says, even if you find it difficult?" Now... well, now they know they're in trouble. And they want to say yes, but they kind of have a sense as to where I'm going. Quite frankly, if they cannot answer yes to all three of those questions, the conversation is effectively over.
Oh, I know, you're going to say, "Our situation is different, Greg. You don't understand." But you know what? The fact of the matter is, your situation probably isn't different. It's just the same problems that other people are facing.
So here's what we need to consider. We need a biblical worldview on marriage. In other words, we need to think about this biblically, not emotionally. And we can't take our cues from culture. What does culture know about marriage? What does Hollywood know about marriage? These people can't keep anything together.
I mean, I don't want to pick on her, but Kim Kardashian's wedding is a classic example. It cost $10 million, and I think my wedding cost like eight bucks or something. It's a long time ago. It was watched by four million TV viewers, but it lasted 72 days. Seems like if a marriage goes that short, everyone should get their gifts back again, you know?
But that's not the only short Hollywood marriage in the news of late, as Katy Perry and Russell Brand are divorcing after 14 months together. Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson were married—did you even know that? They lasted four months. Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney lasted four months. Eddie Mercy and Tracy Edmonds lasted two weeks. Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman lasted six days. I'm not making this up. And singer Sinead O'Connor just entered her fourth marriage after 16 days.
So I don't know about you, but I'm not looking to pop stars or movie stars or secular culture to tell me how to have a successful marriage. I'm going to go to an authoritative source, and that is the Word of God. That's the only way we can pull this off. We need God's help. Right?
Personal Lessons from a Long Marriage
Now, prior to getting married, Kathy and I courted for three years. That's a word you don't hear very often, but we loved each other. But, you know, frankly, we argued a lot. And we broke up three times. And they were big breakups. Like, "I never want to see you again." But as time went by, I realized that I really loved her. And as the Bible says in the Song of Solomon, many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. And so I recognized that this love was real, and it was from God, because it grew stronger with the passing of time.
James Dobson said, and I quote, "Don't marry the person you think you can live with. Marry only the individual you think you can't live without." And I think that's right.
And I think I have found the secret to a successful marriage. So if you've come here looking for tips or secrets, I've got one for you now. You might even write this down. Secret to a successful marriage. Are you ready? Marry yourself. No, I'm serious. It worked for me.
Because on my wedding day, Pastor Chuck married us, and he pronounced us man and wife. He said, "I now pronounce that Greg and Lori are man and wife." He got confused. Instead of Greg and Kathy, it was Greg and Lori. See, I mean that. This is a true story. In fact, people will say to my wife all the time, "Hi, Lori." You know, her name is Kathy, but they call her Lori. And that's all right.
So I found the secret to a successful marriage: marry yourself. Greg and Lori got married. That was a joke, by the way, if you didn't understand where that was going. You're thinking, is that true? And how is that possible? It was a joke. Obviously not a very good one.
But our marriage has been tested like anyone else's. We have faced mighty storms. And the most devastating storm was when our son died. Many marriages don't survive that. But we looked to the Lord, and He's gotten us through it. And I might say He's getting us through it. We're certainly not over it by any stretch of the imagination.
Building Your Marriage on the Solid Rock
Marriage has come under attack. Churches, marriage has faced hardship. And the question is, what are you building your foundation on? Jesus said at the end of the Sermon on the Mount, anyone who listens to my teaching and obeys me is wise, like a person who builds his house on solid rock. And though the rain comes in torrents, and the floods rise, and the winds beat against that house, it won't collapse because it was built on rock.
But if anyone who hears my teaching ignores it, he's foolish like a person who builds a house on sand. And when the rains and floods come, and the winds beat against that house, it will fall with a mighty crash.
So here's my question for you: Is your marriage built on the rock, or is it on the rocks? Build it on Christ.
Have you ever built a sandcastle on the beach? There's so much fun to put together, and then some wave comes in. It's gone. Or some crazy two-year-old comes over and stomps on it, you know. Well, that's what happens to marriages that are built on sand. They will not survive, but a marriage that is built on the rock will not only survive, but it will get stronger through these things.
And notice Jesus did not say "if" the rains and floods come, but rather "when" the rains and floods come. Into every life a little rain must fall, it's been said. And sometimes it's a light drizzle, and other times it's a mighty hurricane.
We All Change—But Christ Stays the Same
But you may not know this, and I've really never shared this before, but I thought this would be a good time to reveal that I have actually been married to five different women. Absolutely true. Maybe more. I've lost track.
Interestingly—I know you think I've lost my mind. I love this. I love this kind of tense moment I've created. Everyone's like, "What? What?" Yeah. Interestingly, have any of you figured out where I'm going with this yet? Okay, some of you are alarmed. I like to almost just linger in the awkwardness for a moment. No.
And all of these women I've been married to, interestingly, all have the name Kathy, which makes it even stranger. Even more amazing is they all spell their name the same way. Because guess what? The girl I'm married to today is not the same girl I married back in 1974. And I'm not the same guy she married either.
The Kathy of age 30 is not the same as the Kathy of age 18. That's how old she was when I married her. And the Kathy of age 40 is not the same as the Kathy of age 30. And I'm not the same person I was either. The point is, you change through the passing of time.
Now I'm happy to say that every new Kathy is better than the last one. And they were all good. But every marriage is going to go through changes. And every marriage is going to be tested. And so we want to build our foundation on Christ.
The Bible says, "He that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." I've found that marriage halves our sorrows, it doubles our joys, and it quadruples our expenses. But it's all good.
Priorities That Last: Faith, Family, and Commitment
Here's what it comes down to. One day when your life is over—and that day will come—there's only going to be three things that really will seem to matter. Those are faith, family, and to a lesser degree, friends.
You're not going to sit on your deathbed and fret about how your business is doing or how much money you make. In fact, the only thing you may fret about is who's going to get it when you're gone. Because it's going to be in your rearview mirror.
You're not going to think about how many things you own. It's not going to matter much to you in that day. You're going to think about God, and you're going to think about your family. And in far too many cases, you're going to be thinking about how you did not walk with God as you should have, and you did not treat your family as you should have.
So, instead of waiting for that day, deal with it now. And when you make a commitment to a person to be married, you want to honor that commitment.
I wish we could take the very word "divorce" and strike it from our vocabularies. It's brought up far too quickly, far too easily, far too casually. Listen, wedlock should be a padlock. If a marriage is miserable, the fault lies with the participants, not the institution.
Now, I'm going to deal a little bit with divorce when we look at our text together, but I will say that biblical divorces are a rarity. Most divorces that I've seen... I can give you a lot of reasons why they came about, but it comes down to a cycle of selfishness that the couple gets themselves into, and they divorce. And I've also seen the regret they've had because they should have given more attention to it.
And this is not just me, a pastor, saying this. Even people who are not Christians recognize this. They know the effects of divorce.
Real Talk on the Pain of Divorce
I read an interesting article on the Huffington Post the other day. It was written by a lady named Gigi Levangie Grazer. She's a Hollywood screenwriter, and she is not writing this from a Christian perspective as far as I could see, but she makes some really valid points.
And I'm going to read a little bit of her article to you. And she's very fond of the word "sucks," okay? So don't be offended by that. Understand who's writing it. Hear what she's saying, all right?
So here's what she writes from experience: "Divorce sucks. I mean, it really sucks. Got kids? If so, don't do it. You probably have no reason to listen to me, but hey, I've lived a pretty long life by LA standards. I'm ancient. I've had many life experiences, among them two marriages. What I've learned since is that divorce lingers. It makes you feel sad when you least expect it. Divorce colors everything."
"Oh yeah, I did it for my kids so they could grow up with a healthy mother, a happier mother who had more time for them, but single mother—even with access to help—is not for sissies. Oh sure, I have more control over my children under the circumstances, but in return, I'm more strung out and overwhelmed."
Here's some of her observations that she has in this article, the things that she points out why you should not get a divorce. Number one—this is kind of funny—all men suck. She says, "Oh yeah, all men are great, and all men are annoying. All men are complicated. Do you get what I'm saying? Men are human. Weird, I know. But basically, if you hate your spouse and get divorced, you'll be trading him for a similar model."
Number two, raising kids on your own sucks. But this doesn't mean you want to raise them with someone new. "Divorce with children is, mathematically speaking, 180 million times worse than divorce without children. I'm sure there's a New York Times study somewhere to back me up on that. Kids are not better off with divorced parents." Then she puts in parentheses "high angry tweets from ecstatically divorced parents."
Then she makes this quote, and this is a really good quote: Psychologist Judith Wallerstein conducted a 25-year study on the effects of divorce on the children involved. Her book chronicling their findings is more frightening than any TV commercial advertising an Anthony Hopkins movie. If you don't want to sleep at night, read what she says. For example, she points out children of divorce are more likely than children from intact families to drop out of school, suffer drug and alcohol problems, require psychotherapy, and get divorced themselves.
And number three, she says divorce sucks because of bumps in the night. A single mother feels it every day. When the sun goes down, there's no one there to watch your back. "I have to be a combination nursemaid and Rambo. I've not slept a full night in three years. It's hard to sleep with one eye open and a dog named Peanut being the only thing between you and your potential threat."
"On the stress scale, divorce is just a tad less stressful than the death of a spouse, presumably one you like. People don't behave well under that kind of stress. Money is tight, the kids are upset, and in the air is the odor of hatred."
In the midst of our separation, our family therapist, a cancer survivor in her 60s who had been practicing for many years, gave me sage advice, which I was too angry or blind to accept. She said, "Wait until the kids are launched. Who knows? You may even find yourself in love again with your husband." She concludes, "I chose not to take that advice. A big part of me wishes I had."
And it gets very well written. And this reminds me of a story I read. A woman went to see a lawyer and she said, "I want to divorce my husband. I hate him and I want to hurt him. So give me some advice." The attorney thought about it for a moment. He says, "You know, I have an idea. Okay, you're going to divorce the guy, right? So here's what I suggest you do. For three months, don't criticize him. In fact, speak only well of him. Build him up. Tell him how wonderful he is. Tell him how much you love him. Every time he does something nice, commend him for it. Tell him what a great guy he is for the next three months. And after he thinks he has your confidence, then just say, 'I'm going to divorce you.' It will hurt even worse."
So the woman thought, that sounds good. I like that. So that's what she did for the next three months. She affirmed her husband. She told him how much she loved him. She built him up in every way that she could. And then finally, the divorce attorney calls her and says, "Okay, let's get started." She says, "Oh no, we're going on our second honeymoon." She changed her behavior. And it turned the relationship around.
Jesus' Teaching on Marriage and Divorce (Matthew 19)
Having a successful marriage does not happen by accident. It's not unlike your relationship with Christ. Though you become a Christian when you put your faith in Jesus, your walk with the Lord is developed through daily commitment, through prayer, through Bible study, through effort on your part. The same is true of the marriage. The moment you begin to neglect a marriage, it's going to start unraveling. You have to constantly be doing everything you can to keep your marriage strong and not even for a moment take it for granted.
So let's read now what Jesus said to those who had lost hope for their hurting marriages. What He says is designed to restore hope again. Here are the Lord's words for hurting marriages.
Matthew 19:3: The Pharisees came to Him testing Him, and saying, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?" He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."
You know it's interesting how Jesus evades the question and takes them back to God's original plan. In other words, instead of finding a way out of marriage, He points them to the way to stay married. And more importantly, He shows them how to stay married God's way. He refers them to Genesis 2.
This is of course the story of Adam placed in the Garden of Eden. He was living a perfect life. I mean he was living in the ultimate bachelor pad. No worries. No responsibilities. Just enjoying all that God gave to him. He was sort of like the first landscaper. His job was to go around and tidy things up and take care of things and just take it all in.
I mean you can't think of a more beautiful place than where Adam lived and the experience he was having. And best of all, the Lord God would show up every single day and take a walk with His boy Adam in the cool of the day.
It was so perfect but something was missing—or to be more specific, someone was missing. But that someone had not been created yet. And so the Lord said everything was good after He created it but then He looked at Adam and said not good is the aloneness of man.
And so the Lord caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and Eve was created. You know one thing you may have never heard was at one point Adam asked God the question, "Lord, why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God said, "Well Adam, so you would love her." Adam said, "Well Lord, why did you make Eve so soft?" God said, "So you would love her." "God, why did you make Eve so stupid?" God said, "So she would love you." All the girls are getting mad at me just that way—you stupid. Seriously.
Why did God bring the woman to the man? God says in Genesis 2:18, "I will make a helper comparable to him." From the Hebrew that can be translated, someone who assists another to reach fulfillment. It's also translated, someone who comes to rescue another. Eve would provide what was missing in his life.
Leave and Cleave: The Two Key Words for Marriage
Now, here's a big thing that we all need to know. It's like Marriage 101, but I'm amazed how often people miss it. There are two operative words used here in the text by Jesus, repeating what was said in Genesis, that make for a successful and happy marriage. And the words are leave and cleave.
If you're writing notes down, write those words down: leave and cleave. Verse 5: "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined [cleave] to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."
So the word cleave means to glue or to cling. So here's the idea: it's sever and bond. I detach from one thing, and I attach to another. I depart from and adhere to. Loosen and secure.
So a successful and lasting and happy marriage begins with the leaving. In effect, you are leaving all other relationships. Now let me explain what that means. The closest relationship outside of marriage is specified here, that of a son to his parents. "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother."
Now that doesn't mean that the boy is no longer a son to his mom and dad. But it means the dynamics of the relationship have now changed because he, as a husband and ultimately as a father, is the head of a home. And his primary responsibility now is not as a son to a father or a mother, but it's more as a husband to a wife.
He must still honor his parents, but a leaving must take place. And sometimes guys don't do this. You know, they want to continue to please their mother or their father.
I heard a story of one single young man who wanted to get married in the worst way. So he found a really attractive girl and brought her home. His mother didn't like her. So he went out and found another girl, brought her home to meet his mom. She didn't like her either. So then he went out and found a girl that looked just like his mother. She dressed like her. She talked like her. She acted like her in every way. But then his father didn't like her. These are the jokes, people.
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother. Leaving means giving other relationships a lesser degree of importance.
So, okay, so listen to this. When you get married, your best friend should be your spouse. Now you can have other friends. You don't have to abandon all your friends. No, "I can't do anything ever again. I'm going to go home and hang out with my best friend, my wife." No, you can still have other relationships. But your best friend is your husband. Your best friend is your wife.
Sometimes people ask, "Hey, can you have a best friend that's a member of the opposite sex?" Answer: No, not really. It just doesn't work out. Get real. I mean, you're having another girl and she's your buddy or another guy—you know, girls—and he's your good friend and you call him and you talk. No, no, no. This is problematic, okay?
You have to understand that this relationship with your spouse is the most important relationship of all and it supersedes all other relationships. This is very important. For a wife and her husband, they are to be the best friend of each other.
Here's a key verse that explains that. Malachi 2:14 says, the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth to whom you've been faithless, although she is your companion and wife. Companion and wife. That's interesting. It doesn't just say she's your wife. She's your companion too.
And the word companion can be translated, one you're united with in thoughts, goals, plans, and efforts. Does that describe you, husbands or wives? Hey, how well do you know your spouse? Do you know what they really care about? Do you know what they like to do? Do you know what their favorite food is, their favorite color is? You know, I mean, how well do you really know one another?
If you don't treat your wife as you ought to, as a husband, it actually can bring your prayer life to a screeching halt. Did you know that? Because God says in 1 Peter 3, "Husbands, dwell with your wives with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered."
Your prayers can be hindered if your marriage is out of whack. So this is, under God, your number one priority in life.
Maintaining Your Marriage Like a Classic Car
And by the way, that word that is used there for "dwell with her" doesn't mean just live with her. Yeah, I live with my wife. I got that covered. It's more than that. It can actually be translated "be aligned to" or "give maintenance to."
Maintenance to. So we maintain things in life, don't we? We maintain our houses, our homes. We maintain our cars. What happens if you have a car and you never do anything for it? You don't change the oil. You don't even put oil in. You don't repair something. You know, the tire goes flat. You just keep driving, you know. Well, your car is going to break down.
And the same happens with the marriage. You know, you don't maintain it. You don't care for it. And it breaks down. I'm always really impressed when I see a classic car drive by with a really old person driving it. Because I think that was probably their car in the beginning. And they've just maintained it. And it's perfection. You know, they get out there and they wax it. And they care for it. And they're driving it along.
You know, and that's what you want your marriage to be. You don't want to trade her or him in for the new model. You want to take your marriage and turn it into a classic and stand the test of time.
But a lot of us don't pay attention to this. You know, in our cars, we have those idiot lights. They're called a little light that comes on. Usually when that comes on, it means you're really in trouble. I speak from experience. I've had them go on. A little light will go on. Time to change your oil. Time for a service.
You know, wouldn't it be nice if we had an idiot light in our marriage? "Idiot husband. Time for a date night with your wife." "Idiot wife. Stop nagging your husband." Pay attention.
So you need to ask yourself a question every now and then. Maybe more often. Is there any relationship or pursuit I'm involved in that would put distance between me and my mate?
See, I listen to my wife. And if she were to say, "You know, Greg, I think you're spending too much time doing thus and so. Or hanging around with this person." You know, I listen to that. And I make the changes. And the same with her.
And there are things that bring stress in marriage. Maybe it's something you've gotten really excited about. Something you're really passionate about. And all of a sudden it's taking you away from the home more and more. And you have to ask yourself the question, is this helping or hurting my marriage?
So we are to do this. And I want you to notice that the emphasis is always to the husband. Notice that Peter said, "Husbands, dwell with your wives with understanding." Listen to this. Husbands are to take the lead in the marriage.
When Paul speaks about husbands and wives being married, he says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church." Husbands are to take the lead. Because if a husband is doing what he ought to be doing, I believe in most cases the wife will respond appropriately.
Treat your wife like a thoroughbred and she'll never become a nag. Let her know you love her. Be the spiritual leader in your home. Be the one that initiates these things.
Why do we love God right now? Why are we Christians? The Bible says we love Him because He first loved us. Our love is a response to His love. And the same is true in a marriage. She will respond and do what God wants her to do if you'll do your part.
So don't tell me your wife's not doing her part. I'm asking you guys, what are you doing? In so many cases the guy's doing very little.
Cleave: Holding On for a Lifetime
So let's come back to what is said here. "A man shall cleave unto his wife and they shall become one flesh." It's no use leaving unless you spend a lifetime cleaving.
What does it mean to cleave? It means to adhere to or to stick or to be attached by some strong tie. And by the way, that doesn't mean you're stuck together against your will. It means you're holding on.
In fact, in the original language, it speaks of a determined effort. Think of it this way. You're climbing up the side of the cliff. Are you stuck or are you holding on? Well, it's the latter, right? You're holding on. Why? Because you want to live. That's why. And that's how you keep a marriage strong.
Oh, "we're stuck together." No, no, no. We're holding on to each other. I'm holding on to you. And you're holding on to me. And that's what it means to cleave. Does that describe your relationship right now?
When we go to the New Testament and see the word used again, it translates out to be cemented together, to stick like glue, to be welded together so the two cannot be separated without serious damage to both.
Have you ever used super glue? You know, I was always a really lousy model builder, but I always tried. And when I was a kid, I'd get glue all over everything. And I wasn't patient enough to let the glue dry and then paint. And I'd start painting before the glue was done. So I just had a mess, those little strings of glue on your hands and whatever.
So, you know, I got older and I became an adult. I bought a model and now they have super glue. I thought, this is great. Now I can just glue them really fast, but I didn't read the directions. And it warns you about gluing your fingers together. And I did. I glued my finger and my thumb together. So I was walking around saying, "Hey, okay. Okay. I didn't want to. How are you doing? Okay." But I'm really not okay. But they're stuck, you see. Super glue.
But that's the idea that's being conveyed here. It's like super glue. You are glued together. You're one person. You're one flesh.
And this involves constant communication. This is one of the keys to a successful marriage. Constant communication. Listen. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage. But it's a joke. Get it? Because that's all the time. See?
And this means you have to learn how to disagree agreeably. Sometimes I'll have couples come in and want to get married. And they'll tell me all about how much they love each other. I'll say, "Have you guys ever had a disagreement or argument?" "Oh, no. We love each other too much. He's so sweet. She's so gorgeous." "You've never had an argument?" "No. And we never plan on having one." Get out of my office. You come back into the real world. You guys are going to have lots of disagreements in life.
So you better learn how to fight fair. You better learn how to disagree agreeably. How to come to a conflict—which you are going to have. How are you going to approach it? How are you going to ultimately resolve it? And it's going to require you bending and compromising. And listen to this: forgiving. Forgiving.
Ruth Graham said, quote, "A good marriage consists of two good forgivers." If you're not a good forgiver, you're not going to have a good marriage. You have to learn how to forgive.
And then you need to affirm one another. You know? Husbands, when's the last time you hugged your wife without ulterior motives? It wasn't leading to something. Oh, she said, "Honey, I love you." Or when's the last time you told your husband how much you appreciated him?
I heard about a couple that was having some marital problems. So they went in to see a pastor. And the pastor talked to them at great length and listened carefully and then said he really thought he had figured out what the problem was.
And he stood up from behind his desk and walked around to where the wife was sitting and had her stand. And he gave her a hug. And he said to the husband, "This is what this woman needs once a day." Husband kind of furrowed his brow for a moment and said, "Okay, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
My jokes are so lame, aren't they? I believe most divorces can be averted. If we would just start with the operative principles of leaving and cleaving, it would make all the difference in the world.
Because marriage is not so much finding the right person as much as it is being the right person. So you need to go into this marriage saying, "How can I fulfill this person's needs?"
Listen to this. It is not about you. If you are going to get married so he can meet all of your needs and make you happy, or she is going to meet all of your needs and make you happy, you are going to be an unhappy married person.
But if you can put the needs of your mate above your own, you can see dramatic things take place. In fact, the Bible tells us in Ephesians 5, before the wife was told to submit to her husband, that husbands and wives are to submit one to another in the fear of God.
A lot of people choke on that word submit. "I'm not submitting to anyone or anything." Oh, shut up. You submit all the time. You drive down the street and the CHP pulls up behind you. You submit real fast. You live by rules. You live by standards. You know there's people who are in authority over you in life. You have your boss. You have those who have influence on you. We all submit. There's nothing wrong with submitting. It's a good thing.
And I'll talk at another time about what it means for a wife to submit to her husband. Let me just say this. Before we deal with that, the Bible says submit one to another in the fear of God. Okay, so husbands are to submit to wives as well as wives submitting to husbands.
But maybe we need a new word instead of submit because we don't know what it means. We think submit means be a doormat, be a victim, take whatever he gives. I give up all my rights. But actually the word submit could be better translated "to get in order under something." In a military sense, it means to rank beneath or rank under.
So a husband's submission to his wife does not mean that he abdicates his responsibility of leadership in the home. It means he helps her to bear her burdens. He cuts underneath her to carry her cares.
Here's an illustration. My wife comes home from the market and she has the car filled with groceries. And I sit there and watch her and she unloads them and ask her when dinner's going to be made. No, I go and I help her carry things. And I usually grab the heaviest things. You know, because I want to assist her. That's just a simple illustration of what this means.
Now you look at her in general or look at him in general. I want to help you, see. I want to help you be the man God's called you to be. I want to help you be the woman God has called you to be. I'm your number one fan. I'm in your corner. You can depend on me. I'm always here for you.
So knowing that makes a big difference in life, holding each other up. We're all submitting at some point. It's putting the needs of your mate above your own.
God's Heart on Divorce and Exceptions
If at all possible, you want to avoid divorce. Why? Well, God doesn't like divorce. Let me be more blunt. God hates it. Here's what He says in Malachi 2:16: "For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence," says the Lord of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously."
Now, some of you who are hearing me right now have been divorced and you're not feeling really happy at this moment. You're thinking, "Man, Greg, you're putting me under condemnation." I'm not here to do that, okay? Because what's done is done. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Maybe you had biblical grounds. Maybe you did not have biblical grounds.
But I want to say to you, I don't want it to happen to you again, okay? So if you're in a new marriage and you've been divorced, let's do it right this time. I believe God forgives. I believe that God gives second chances. But let's not go and repeat the behavior over and over again. Let's learn from our experiences, and more importantly, learn from the Word of God.
Well, despite the fact that Jesus has talked about marriage, they still want to talk about divorce. Go back to Matthew 19. They said, yeah, yeah. It's almost like they said, yeah, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. Here's what we're really asking: "Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce and put her away?"
Jesus said, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."
I want you to notice they said, "Why did Moses command divorce?" Jesus says, uh, he didn't command it. He permitted it. You have it wrong.
Now back in these days, the attitude toward marriage was very liberal. You might be surprised to know. Divorce was widespread in Israel at this time. Consider the woman at the well. Remember her? Married and divorced five times. So it was actually quite commonplace.
One liberal rabbi of the day, known as Hillel, said, and I quote, "Incompatibility of temperament was grounds for divorce." In this day, a man could divorce his wife for such trivial things as burning his meal, or embarrassing him in front of his friends, or he could divorce her if a more attractive woman came along. Well, that pretty much opens up everything.
Yeah, you know, "Honey, I love you, but this other chick's way cuter than you. Bye-bye." Really? Yeah, you could do that back in this day.
So they're saying, yeah, well, why did Moses command divorce? Jesus is saying, you guys have it all wrong. This is not God's order.
Our modern equivalent to this thing would be "irreconcilable differences." This is the one we throw down all the time. Well, our marriage didn't work out. What? Irreconcilable differences. What were those? I don't know, but it was those. Irreconcilable differences. There's just no way we could reconcile those differences. Really?
Listen, I've had irreconcilable differences with my wife for 37 years. She's neat, and I'm messy. She's sometimes late. I'm usually early. She's cute, and I'm fat. What are you going to do? It's irreconcilable. Oh, then we'll get divorced. No. We're going to work it out. We're going to flex. We're going to adapt. We're going to put the needs of each other above our own.
Don't tell me irreconcilable differences. And guess what? That is not biblical grounds for divorce. Every marriage will have irreconcilable differences. Or better, you could just marry yourself like I did. Even then, you'll probably have irreconcilable differences. So that's not an allowance given in Scripture.
Here's an allowance Christ gives. Number one, verse 9: If anyone divorces his wife except for sexual immorality and marries another, he commits adultery.
Now, what does this mean, sexual immorality? It comes from the Greek word porneia. Guess what English word we get from that? Porn. Pornographic. It's a word that actually encompasses a lot of immoral behaviors, including, obviously, adultery, also incest, prostitution, homosexuality.
Why is this such a deal breaker? Why would Jesus actually cite this thing? If this happens, God would permit divorce for this. Well, because when you have sex with someone, you become one flesh with them, you see. Paul even said, if you have sexual relations with a prostitute, you become one flesh with her.
So don't tell me it didn't mean anything or it was a one-night stand. No, it means a lot to God. You can't do that. You can't treat sex that way. And when you enter into that union with that person, this is a very sacred union to God.
And so when you break that union with your spouse and go and have sex with someone else, you have violated something very significant. And yes, there is a release clause given by Christ Himself if such a thing happens. Unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce.
But it's not only grounds for divorce. It's also grounds for forgiveness. And I've seen a lot of marriages survive this. I know it seems devastating when your mate confesses to you they've been unfaithful. Usually they don't confess it until you find out, though. Once in a while, there'll be someone who'll say, "I just have a guilty conscience." But usually, you know, you get suspicious and you can tell and there's those signs and then you discover it and they deny it at first and then they admit it. And it's devastating. There's no question. But it can be forgiven. And I've heard many, many stories of those who have forgiven it and are glad that they did.
And let me just say to you—gosh, this is like I've seen this so many times it drives me crazy—but girls or guys who get involved... and maybe this is a little more for girls. So I'll direct this to girls. Girls who get involved with some guy who tells you he's going to leave his wife for you. As they say on the East Coast, forget about it. It's not going to happen.
You think if you're having sex with this guy who's being unfaithful with his wife, he's going to divorce his wife and marry you. First of all, why would he not repeat the behavior with you, number one? And number two, why would he marry you when he's getting it for free? If he ends up getting divorced because of your affair, he's going to find another girl. Probably one that's not been doing what you've been doing. Because the very thing he asked for has now caused him to have no respect for you at all. So guess what? You lose twice.
So don't go down that road. According to Dr. Lana Staheli, author of a book on marital triangles, she says of those who break up their marriage and marry someone else, 80% are sorry later. Of those who do marry their lover, which is only about 10%, 70% of them get a divorce. Of that 25 to 30% that stay married, only half of them are happy. She concludes, "Having an affair is an invitation to an awful lot of pain and tragedy." Yeah, absolutely.
So unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce. Don't go down that road. Don't even play with it in your mind with fantasies. Oh, you know, "I won't do it, but I'll just think about it." No, no. Because the first step to doing it is thinking about it.
Love your wife. Love your husband. Be loyal to them. Be faithful to them. Because if you go down this road, it's going to end in a lot of pain. And guess who the ultimate victims are going to be? After you pay the price, your kids are going to pay the price. And it's going to be a hard price for them to pay. Don't be so selfish.
There's another reason given in Scripture where God will allow a divorce. It's in 1 Corinthians 7:15. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases.
Okay, so here's what he's saying. Look, let's say you're married to a non-believer. This happens a lot of ways. And I'll deal with this another time. But you marry a non-believer because maybe you both were non-Christians and you got married and one of you became a Christian and all of a sudden you're married to this non-believing guy or girl. And that brings stress in the marriage.
Or some of you were not patient to wait on the Lord for the right guy or the right girl. And you just say, "I'm going to marry this guy or marry this girl and I'm going to lead him to the Lord," right? That probably didn't work out so well for you, did it? And you basically disobeyed Scripture that says, don't be unequally yoked together with non-believers.
But okay, now what's done is done. You're married to them. So now you're saying, yeah, well, I'm not really happy in this marriage. And I met this really cute guy at church. And you know, my husband doesn't care about the Lord. The Lord spoke to me the other day and he actually said to me, "My child, dump the heathen husband and marry the cute Christian guy," sayeth the Lord. I mean, it was even "sayeth" like King James. God didn't say that.
Because in His Word, He says, if the unbeliever is pleased to dwell with you, stay with them. Now your job is to try to win him or her to Christ. Okay, but let's say they leave you. In other words, they abandon you. They walk out on you. They desert you. Well, according to Scripture, if that happens, you're free. You don't have to remain in that relationship and you're free ultimately to remarry.
Now this really doesn't happen all that often. Most marriages fail because of selfishness. You want that person to cater to you. You expect marriage to make you happy, as I already said. And most marriages fall apart because people ignore what the Bible says and do what they want to do.
Every marriage is going to be challenged. C.S. Lewis put it this way, quote, "People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person, you may expect to go on being in love forever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they made a mistake and are entitled to a change, not realizing that when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one." It's so true.
So, oh, if I marry him, it will be great and you get married and it's good for a time. And then, you know, the hard work of marriage comes into play. Well, I didn't know it was going to be hard. I didn't know, you know, he wouldn't do everything I wanted or she wouldn't. And so, well, I'll find someone else. And then the problems come in that one. Then it comes into the next relationship.
So Lewis concludes, "In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last. But if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest." End quote.
Look, as you've been married for time, it's not the same as it was. I don't have butterflies in my stomach every time my wife walks in the room. You know, when I first met her, well, I'm so nervous. I just, Kathy's here. What do I say to her? I don't feel that way anymore. I'm sorry.
If Kathy walked in the room in the morning, you know, making breakfast, oh, I feel lightheaded. I have butterflies. She'd think I was having a heart attack. She'd call the paramedics.
But the love we have in the place of that initial attraction is far greater. It's far deeper. It's far more significant. Sometimes you feel it. Sometimes you don't feel it. But it's a commitment.
And boy, I tell you, as the months go by and then the years go by, and you've honored those vows and you've stuck to them, you look back and you thank God. And you look at others who have disregarded what the Bible says and are facing the consequences.
No, fairytale weddings are not really possible. I know we've heard all those stories and they lived happily ever after. The better way to say it would be they lived happily even after. Even after. After what? After marriage. Because they did it God's way.
Final Call: Turn to Christ for True Hope
So here's my closing thought. If you're single, don't rush it. Wait on the Lord. Find a godly man or woman. Priority number one.
If you're married and you're having troubles, don't give up. Don't throw in the towel. Ask God for help and try to save that marriage.
You know, I do find it interesting that the Lord uses the analogy of a husband's love for a wife to describe His love for the church. He says, love your wife as Christ loves the church. Boy, you want to talk about a tall order.
But how did Christ love the church? Well, He died on the cross for us. And when did He do it? When we were His best friends? No. The Bible says, while we were still yet sinners, Christ died for us. When we were the enemies of God, shaking our fists in His face, saying, "We don't want you, God." That's when Christ died for us. To show His love for us. And one day we realized that. We thought, man, the Lord loves me. He'll forgive me. And we put our faith in Him.
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, came to this earth on a rescue mission. And He died on the cross in your place. And then He rose again from the dead. And He'll come and forgive you of your sin. I don't know if you're single, or if you're married, whoever you are, whatever your state, you need God. Everybody needs Christ in their life.
And I ask you in closing, is Jesus Christ living inside of you right now? You think some guy is going to fill the deepest void of your life? You know, "One day my prince will come." Get over that. You need the Prince of Peace to come and live in your heart. Girls and guys. He's the one who will meet your deepest needs.
Like that woman at the well, you know, she's married and divorced five times and was living with a guy. And Jesus points this out to her. And then He says, you know, "Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst."
And He was sort of using her pursuit of happiness with men as a metaphor for going to a well and drawing water again and again and never being satisfied. Nothing that this world offers will meet the deepest need of your life. You were made to know God. And He will come and forgive you of your sin and live in your heart.
And if you've never asked Jesus Christ to come in your life, why don't you do that right now as we close in prayer? And you can know for certain that you will go to heaven when you die. So let's all bow our heads and everyone praying if you would.
Father, I thank You for Your word to us. I thank You for Your love for us. And I pray for every person watching this message right now. Help them to see their need for Jesus and help them to come to Him and believe and be forgiven of all of their sins.
Now when our heads are bowed and our eyes are closed and we're praying, if you want Jesus Christ to forgive you of your sin, if you want to know that when you die, you will go to heaven, if you want that void deep inside of you filled...
I'm gonna ask you wherever you are to stand to your feet and I'm gonna lead you in a prayer. Again, I want you to just stand up wherever you are and I'm gonna lead you in a prayer. A prayer where you will be accepting Jesus Christ into your life. Just stand up. God bless you. Stand up right now if you want Christ to come into your life. God bless you. God bless you. Stand up. Wherever you are. If you're watching this video, you stand as well.
Now, and I'm gonna lead you in a prayer to accept Christ into your life. Stand up now. Anybody else? God bless you. God bless you. You want His forgiveness. Maybe you've fallen away from the Lord, and you want to come back to Him again. You stand to your feet right now, and I'm gonna lead you in the same prayer. If you've fallen away from Christ, and you need to return to Him, just stand up. Let me pray for you. God bless you. God bless you.
Anybody else, stand up now. God bless you. Anybody else in this final moment, stand now. And we're going to pray. Stand now. God bless each one of you.
All right, all of you that are standing, I want you to pray this prayer out loud after me. This is where you're asking Jesus Christ to come into your life. Again, as I pray, pray this prayer out loud after me. Pray it out loud right where you're standing. Pray this if you would.
Lord Jesus, I know I'm a sinner, but You died on the cross and shed Your blood for every sin I have ever committed. Now come into my life and forgive me of my sin. I choose to follow You from this moment forward. Thank You for loving me and accepting me and forgiving me. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
↓↓↓ Part 2 ↓↓↓
Pastor Greg Laurie continues Hope for Hurting Marriages in Ephesians 5, urging husbands to love their wives sacrificially like Christ loves the church, and wives to submit to their husbands' loving leadership. He stresses that applying God's agape love—patient, kind, forgiving—can restore and strengthen any struggling marriage, turning it into a lasting classic that reflects Christ's relationship with His church.
A Story of Love That Faded and Hope That Remains
Well let's turn in our Bibles now to Ephesians chapter 5. We're in our series that we're calling Hope for Hurting Hearts. Last week we did Hope for Hurting Marriages Part 1. Today it's Hope for Hurting Marriages Part 2. And next Sunday we're going to talk about prodigal children. Hope for prodigals. If you have a child that you've raised in the way of the Lord and they've gone astray, I want to offer you hope from God's Word and how they can come back to faith. And if you're raising your children and nothing like that has happened—because there aren't many three-year-old prodigals out there—we'll share some principles hopefully that will help you keep them close to home and close to the Lord.
But today we're going to talk about hurting marriages. Let's pray together. Father we ask Your blessing now in this time of Bible study. And I pray for every marriage that is represented here. I pray that You will help them listen very carefully with the desire to apply what Your Word says. I pray that these marriages represented would not only endure, but that they would flourish. That they would be stronger than they have ever been before. And I pray for any single people listening Lord that these will be helpful things for them to learn as they prepare to take the most important step of their life next to following You. So we commit this time of Bible study to You now. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. Amen.
Hey also good morning to Harvest Orange County. Well I want to tell you a story about a couple John and Christy. They met in high school and became friends first. Then they started dating. Then they went steady. And eventually they graduated from high school. And John proposed then Christy accepted. And the wedding day finally came. John could hardly believe his good fortune as his beautiful bride made her way down that aisle. Meanwhile Christy, she was kind of hoping for a prince. But John was the next best thing.
And they went up to the front and stood in front of the pastor. They repeated those sacred vows. It was almost surreal like this can't actually be happening. But it was. They were officially pronounced man and wife. And off they went to their honeymoon. Well they didn't have a lot of money. They had a little rented apartment. The first piece of furniture came from Ikea. They didn't eat fancy meals. But they were together. They studied the Bible together. They prayed together. They went to church together. They were inseparable. You could not even say John without saying Christy. They were like one person. It was fantastic.
When the Honeymoon Ends: The Slow Drift Apart
Well now we fast forward ten years. John has been very successful. He has worked very hard. And his career has taken off. They have a very nice home. In fact Christy is working also on the side to help make the house payment. They have two children. A boy and a girl. And things are going reasonably well. But there is a little bit of tension. They are not communicating as much as they used to. They are spending more time apart. Not because they have to. But because they have chosen to. Because far too often it always turns into an argument. And it usually revolves around money.
They have worked so hard for this nice house. But ironically they have neglected their home. Christy is in the best shape of her life. She is going to the gym four days a week. John couldn't fit in that wedding tuxedo if his life depended on it. And also John just hired a cute new secretary. And he is spending a lot of time with. And Christy, she is kind of attracted to her trainer down at the gym. And the inevitable split is starting to take place. And they are spending more and more time apart.
Finally Christy says, "I am leaving you." She is kind of hoping that he would stop her. But he does not. And weeks turn into months. And now a year has passed. And they decide they are going to get a divorce. They get all lawyered up. But they make a promise to each other. This is going to be a civil divorce. We have been friends for so long. And besides we are always fighting. We might as well get divorced. This marriage is over with.
But it doesn't stay civil for long. And pretty soon civility gives way to anger. And anger to resentment. And resentment to bitterness. And their best friend has now become their worst enemy. You have heard this story before. This is not a true story. So if you are John and Christy or John and Mary. This is not directed to you in particular. But this is a composite story drawn from many stories that I have heard over the years of how marriages start to unravel. It happens far too often.
To quote the theologian, Freddie Mercury, "Another one bites the dust." So you might say, well great. Come on. You know. This is how it goes in the real world. People can't stay together forever especially if the love is gone. Think of it this way. It is sort of like trading your car in on the new model. And that is just the way it happens.
Hope for a Lifetime of Love—It Doesn't Have to End
Well I suggest to you that is not the way it has to happen. I believe you can have love that will last you for a lifetime. Now I can, let's go ahead and applaud for that. That is good. I can speak to this with some authority because my wife and I have been married for 37 years. But I should add that we did the math. Thank you. That was my wife clapping. No. But we did the math the other day and realized we were off by a year. We have actually been married 38 years. And so time flies when you are having a good time.
But you know you might say, well you guys are just different. You are like freaks or something. I don't know what is wrong with you. Well you know let me say this. There are no more opposite people than Greg and Kathy. We see everything differently. Kathy is very neat. And I am fairly messy. She likes weird food like Indian food and Thai food. I like hamburgers and burritos. Thank you. She is usually late. I am usually early. She is always in a rush. Excuse me. I am always in a rush. And she is pretty laid back.
Embracing Differences: The Secret to Lasting Attraction
But we are different. You know it is like that old song says let us call the whole thing off. You say either. I say either. You say neither. I say neither. Either, either. Neither, neither, neither. Let us call the whole thing off. Right? You say potato. I say potato. You say tomato. I say potato. That's Let's call the whole thing off. But then at the end of the song it says, But oh if we ever part, it might break my heart.
You see, you put two people together, they are going to have differences. But wasn't it those very differences that initially attracted you? Wasn't it the fact that he wasn't like you, and she wasn't like you, and so you were drawn to them initially, but now somehow those differences have become irreconcilable? What I am saying to you is you can get through any rough patch that you are in in your marriage today.
Timothy Keller wrote a book called The Meaning of Marriage. And he pointed this out and I quote, All surveys tell us that the number of people who say they are very happy in their marriage is high around 61 to 62 percent. So, so much for the mythology of half of the marriages end in divorce and the other half aren't happy. Well it may be that 50 percent of most American marriages do end up in divorce, but the fact is most married people are happy today.
And listen to this interesting statistic. Studies have found that two thirds of those unhappy marriages out there will become happy within five years if the people stay married and do not get divorced. Isn't that fascinating? So whatever you are going through, if you could just somehow press on, if you could just somehow hold your course, I think things could improve.
That is why I have called this message Hope for Hurting Marriages Part Two. The things I am going to share with you are not new, nor are they revolutionary, but I assure you they work. It really comes down to this. Do you want a marriage that will last a lifetime? I mean, do you really want it? And how bad do you want it? Are you willing to really apply yourself toward it? You can turn your marriage into a classic.
Turning Your Marriage into a Classic Like a Vintage Car
Some years ago I used to own a 1957 Bel Air convertible. This was a killer car. I got an amazing deal on it and it was in perfect condition. And I loved to drive that car. Everything was original on it. Excuse me. All the numbers matched. I mean, it was fantastic, but... Sorry I keep clearing my throat. I am now going to take a drink of water. So we will stop clearing our throat. And so... I hope I am better.
But the problem with my 1957 Bel Air convertible was the color. I liked it, but no one else did. It was called Tropical Turquoise. Now, I don't know if you have seen this color. I am looking for someone that might be wearing it today, but no one would dare. This gentleman here in the shirt is... Sir, could you stand up in the turquoise shirt? Yeah, that man right there. That is pretty close. That is pretty close. No sir, not you. You are blue is too nice. It is the man back here. Sir, stand up again. The guy with the glasses. Yeah, you are the... That is the color right there. That is it. Okay, thank you.
Why would you wear that color? No. I like the color, see. And that was the color of my car. So I would drive it around. My wife wouldn't drive with me. She says, I feel like we are in a parade. I don't want to drive in that car. I would pick my son up from surfing. They would say, Dad, could you not pick me up in that car? The only one who would drive with me in the car was the dog. So me and the dog went cruising, you know. Not quite what I was hoping for.
But wherever I would go, if I would pull over to get gas, someone would inevitably come up to me and say, What year is it? In fact, I knew they were going to ask it before they even came to me. I would just say, 1957, 1957, you know. And why did people say that? Because it was amazing to see such a gorgeous car still on the road. You just don't see many classics like that anymore.
Well the same can be true of your marriage. You know, when you have been married 30, 40, 50 years. In this day and age there are so many divorces. That is pretty unusual. Someone will ask, Kathy and I, How long have you been married? And we will say, 38 years. And they will look at Kathy and think, Was she like nine when you married her? But you know, that is fantastic. And your marriage can turn into a classic too.
Rejecting Hollywood's Version of Love
Now before we see what the Word of God says, let me mention this. There is nothing that this culture or this world is offering that is going to help your hurting marriage. For the most part, the culture is to a large degree hostile toward the family today. So we need to look to God's Word. Certainly not to Hollywood.
I saw a movie on the plane the other day called Crazy Stupid Love. It is Hollywood's version of how love should go. What a mess. It is a story of a married couple. Wife is named Emily. Husband is named Cal. And Emily is unfaithful to Cal. And so Cal goes out and tries to, you know, hook up with some woman. So he is hanging out down at the bar. But I guess he is pretty outdated in his clothes. And so there is this gigolo. It hangs around the bar. His name is Jacob. And he is really effective at scoring with women.
So he kind of gives Cal a makeover and teaches him his gigolo ways. And pretty soon Cal is starting to score with the women as well. Well meanwhile Emily hears about this. And she is somewhat distraught. She wishes she could get back together with Cal because this fling she had with this other guy isn't quite working out.
Well meanwhile Jacob the gigolo meets a girl that is different from all the other girls he picks up. And he decides he is in love with her. Well it turns out that that girl named Hannah is the daughter of Cal and Emily. Well Cal, knowing the ways of Jacob the gigolo, doesn't want him to marry his daughter. So he is opposed to it.
Oh one thing I forgot to mention was Cal and Emily's son is in love with the babysitter. But the babysitter is in love with Cal. You see? So this... So anyway, so Cal and Emily are working on getting their marriage back together. And they go to a parent teacher meeting for their son named Robbie who is in love with this babysitter. And it turns out that teacher is one of the girls that Cal hooked up with in the bar. And that doesn't go crazy, stupid love. They should call it crazy, stupid lust. Because it has nothing to do with love.
So forget what the culture says. Alright? What does God's Word say? That is where we are going to find the answers.
The Key Principle: No Divorcing Couple Ever Followed This
Listen. I have never met a couple who were divorcing, who were doing what we are about to read. I am going to repeat that. Listen now. I have never met a couple who were divorcing, who were doing the things that we are about to read. But every couple I know who divorced was not doing what we will read.
Now reading these words alone will not save your marriage. You must act on them. You must do them. And they are doable by the power of the Holy Spirit. These words are current. They don't need to be updated or refreshed. They don't need to be rewritten to align with what is politically correct. They just need to be implemented because these are God's words on how a marriage should work.
And specifically, God's Word on the role of the husband and the wife. So let's start with men. Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Husbands: The Command to Love Sacrificially
Now four times, in eight verses, men are simply told to love their wives. But how are we to love our wives? Paul says, as Christ loves the church. You say, well, Greg, that's a tall order. Well, yes it is. But listen to this. Most men are not doing this today. And if they would start doing it, I think it would transform their marriages.
I heard a story about a couple that went in to see the pastor. They were on the verge of a divorce. They effectively wanted the pastor to agree that divorce was an acceptable resolution to their problems. And as they sat down and the pastor listened for a while, he turned to the husband and he said, you know what? The Bible says that you are to love your wife as Christ loves the church.
The husband says, oh, I could never do that. That's too high. I could never attain to such a thing. The pastor said, all right, if he can't do that, let's lower it a level. The Bible says you are supposed to love your neighbor as yourself. Again, the husband says, oh, I can't even do that. That's too high of a level.
The pastor finally says, all right, fine. The Bible says love your enemies. Begin there. Listen, guys. There is no getting off the hook here. You are to love your wife.
Understanding Agape: Supernatural Love from God
But what does he mean when he says love? Well, Paul uses that Greek word agape, a word that is used more often than any other word in the New Testament for love. It is the word that is used in 1 Corinthians 13 that we will look at in a moment, where it is broken out and defined. It is the word that is used in John 3:16 when it says, For God so agape loved the world. It is the word that is used to describe God Himself when it says, God is love.
This is a supernatural love that can only be experienced by the Christian. The Bible says that this love, agape, is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. It is the fruit of the Spirit, Galatians 5:22. So if you are a Christian you should be manifesting this love.
Let me put it another way. The non-believer does not have access to this love. Why is this important? Because the Christian has the clear advantage in the marriage. So don't tell me that you as two Christians can't work this out. Don't tell me that you have irreconcilable differences. Are you telling me that Christ is not living in you and your spouse? Are you telling me that God could not intervene and help you? Are you telling me that your situation is hopeless?
Marriage as God's Living Picture to the World
Listen to this. God has picked one symbol, if you will, to a lost world to visibly show His love for the church and the church's love for Him. And guess what it is? It is the Christian marriage. He says, world check this out. You see the way that that husband loves his wife? That is how I love the church. Hey, look at this. You see the way that wife submits to her husband? That is the way my church submits to me.
So can you see now when a Christian couple breaks up with their so-called irreconcilable differences? What a horrible testimony that is. How important it is for us to apply ourselves, even when our partner is not lovable, because they won't always be.
In his excellent book, Love Life for Every Married Couple, Dr. Ed Wheat writes the following, and I quote, Even in the best of marriages, unlovable traits will show up in both partners. And in every marriage, sooner or later, a need arises that can be met only by unconditional love. Agape is the kind of love we need in these situations. This love has the capacity to persist in the face of rejection, and continue where there is no human response at all. It can leap over walls that would stop any human love cold. It has never deflected by unlovable behavior, and gives gladly to the undeserving, without totaling the cost. To the relationship of husband and wife, which would otherwise lie at the mercy of fluctuating emotions and human upheavals, agape love imparts stability and a permanence that is rooted in the eternal. Agape is the divine solution for marriages populated by imperfect human beings. End quote.
Listen, we don't need a crazy, stupid love. We need God's eternal love.
Breaking Down Agape Love from 1 Corinthians 13
What is it? Well let's look at this definition in 1 Corinthians 13. Keep a marker here in Ephesians 5, and we are going to go over to Corinthians for a moment, and we will come back to Ephesians again. Amen.
Here in 1 Corinthians 13, Paul doesn't define love as much as he shows us what love does. And every time you read the word love here, it is the word agape. 1 Corinthians 13:4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
A more modern translation of the same verse goes as follows. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't have a swelled head. It doesn't force itself on others. It isn't always me first. Love doesn't fly off the handle. Love doesn't keep score of the sins of others. Love doesn't revel when others grovel. Love puts up with anything. And it trusts God always. And it always looks for the best. Love keeps going to the end.
Applying 1 Corinthians 13: A Challenge for Husbands
Okay, so here's my question, guys. Husbands, listen now. Are you loving your wife that way? Because that is the kind of love Scripture tells us that we should have. Now, realistically, I think we would all say we're falling short. I mean, I would be the first to say, oh, I don't always love my wife that way.
If you want to feel bad, take out the name love and insert your name in its place. Greg suffers long and is kind. Greg never envies. Greg is never rude. Greg is never provoked. Well, it's just not working at all now, is it? But I'll tell you a name that does work. Put Jesus in there. And it fits perfectly. 1 Corinthians 13 is a portrait of Jesus.
But I want you to notice that this is what we should aspire to. This is not something that is abstract or passive. It is active. It is functioning. Love doesn't just feel patient. It practices patience. It doesn't just have kind feelings. It does kind things. Love is only love when it acts. 1 John 3:18 says, Let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.
This is the love we should have. So don't say to me, we've tried everything, because you haven't tried this. Because if you were trying this, your marriage wouldn't be in trouble.
Practical Ways Husbands Show Agape Love
A lot of times people will go and get counseling. I think that's a good thing to do if you get the right counseling. You want biblical counseling. Sometimes people will go to a psychologist or a psychiatrist or sometimes even to a minister who will not give them proper biblical counseling. In fact, they might actually be giving them the wrong advice and in addition to that, prescribe antidepressants to them.
So I have a way for you to save your money and stay off drugs. Try loving one another the way God tells you to do it. That's it. Just try it. Try it for a week. Just a week. I am going to do everything I can to love my wife this way for the next week. If it doesn't work, I will give you your money back.
I heard a story of a drunk man who was searching under a streetlight for his wallet. Someone asked him, Did you lose your wallet near here? He says, No. I lost two blocks over that way. He said, Why aren't you looking over there? There is no streetlight. My best imitation of a drunk guy there. It doesn't do any good to look for something if you look in the wrong place. The right place is the Word of God.
So God gives it to us right here. So what does He tell us? Number one, if you really love your wife, you will be patient with her. Love is patient or literally long tempered. The word is common in the New Testament and is used almost exclusively of being patient with people rather than circumstances or events. You are patient with her. Well she isn't being what I want her to. Be patient. You wait for God's timing and you cut her some slack.
Number two, if you really love your wife, you will show kindness and tenderness to her. Love is kind. Just as patience will take anything from others, kindness will give anything to others. If a husband loves his wife like this, she will respond appropriately.
Why do we love God today? Because He won us over with His love. The Bible says we love Him because He first loved us. Our love is a response to His love. The Scripture says it is the goodness or kindness of God that brings us to repentance.
So you talk about a wife not doing her part. Hey husband, why don't you do your part? You are the initiator. You are the spiritual leader. I suggest if you did your part, in most cases she would do hers. Now there could be some exceptions to this, and there are. But generally I am telling you, if you would love her as you ought to, she would respond in kind.
But you are kind. Are you kind to your wife? Sometimes we show more kindness to a complete stranger than we do to the one who is flesh of our flesh and bone of our bones. Here is a way to show your kindness. Just tell her how much you appreciate her. When is the last time you told your wife how much you loved her? Or how beautiful she was?
I know you think those things. You know you look at her and go, wow she looks great today. Say it, idiot. Say it, verbalize. It is hard. Because guys, come on now. You need to know girls, we do think these thoughts. We think how much we love you. How wonderful you are. We just don't express it. We are not as verbal as women are.
Studies have revealed that women speak an average of 50,000 words a day. And a man speaks half that many, 25,000. I would suggest to you men, a hug and a kiss would go a long way. Simple as it sounds.
You know, some German researchers spent a lot of money on a project to try to find the secret to a long life and success. You know what they discovered? They said it is a kiss. They said if you kiss your wife every morning when you leave for work, you will live longer and be more successful in life. They said the good morning kissers miss less work because of sickness and earn 20 to 30 percent more money than the non-kissers. Something to think about.
Now, if you love your wife you will not boast of it, but you will just do it. Love does not parade itself. What that means is it doesn't talk about all that it is. Do you know how much I do for you? Do you know how hard I work for you? Do you know this? Yeah, yeah. Well yeah. I think she probably knows. Why don't you just not boast about those things? Just do it.
If you really love your wife you will treat her with respect. Love does not behave rudely. Don't be harsh with her. Respect her. Don't tear her down. You know, when you are in public with your wife you should build her up. In Proverbs 31 we have a description of the virtuous woman. It says her husband praises her.
I think it is a great thing when a husband praises his wife in front of their children. Your mother, let me tell you about your mother. She is the best. She is the greatest. You know, you praise her. What if you don't feel it? Lie baby, lie. No, I am kidding. Just kidding. But, when you are out with friends. You talk... My wife... You talk about her. You are proud of her. Don't ever tear her down. Let me tell you the stupid thing she did the other day.
Now if you have a critical word for her, save it for later. What I can't understand is couples that fight in front of other people. You ever had that happen? You go out to dinner with someone. They get into an argument. You are like, okay. Having some fun now. Even worse, couples that fight in front of their children and then ask the kids to take side. Take a side. Who is right here? Mommy or Daddy? You choose. That is a horrible thing to do to your children.
Love is kind. And love will treat the spouse with respect. Love is not provoked. Which means aroused anger. You know you are going to have times when you disagree. But when it turns into a shouting match you have gone too far. That is never productive.
Ephesians 4:26 says, Don't let the sun go down on your wrath. Don't ever go to bed angry at each other. Heard about a husband and wife that decided to put this principle into practice. And they never throughout their entire thirty years of marriage ever went to bed mad at each other. Someone asked the husband, well how did that work out? He says it was okay but it is hard sometimes sitting up all night. You know so.
Number six. If you really love your wife you will always believe the best not the worst about her. Love thinks no evil or takes it into account. It is a book keeping term. It means to calculate or enter into a ledger. So this is when you are having a disagreement. And you say, well I remember twenty years ago. You said, what? Twenty years ago? You remember? Oh I remember it well. I have it written right here.
You are supposed to forgive and you are supposed to forget. I like the statement of Ruth Graham when she said, a successful marriage is made up of two forgivers. Forgive her. Forgive him. God will give you this love.
Wives: The Call to Respectful Submission
Now I know that some of you ladies are saying, Greg this is good. Why don't you stop now? Let's pray and go home. Well in all fairness I have to get to you girls too. Alright? Go back to Ephesians 5. The men are clapping. Thank you guys.
Ephesians 5 again verse 22. Wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife. As Christ is the head of the church. And as the Savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject to Christ. Let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Now before we break down what this means, let's remember an earlier statement here in Ephesians 5 we already touched on in our last message that says in verse 21, submitting one to another in the fear of God. Because some people choke on the word submit. I don't like submit. I don't do submission. Really? Actually you do. You do it every day.
You submit. When you get in your car and you obey the lights and the signs, you are submitting. When a police officer tells you to come over to him, you submit to the authority. When the government demands too much taxes, we submit and pay them. When you have a job and you have an employer, you submit. You have a teacher who tells you to do an assignment. You submit. We are all submitting in life. So don't tell me you don't do submission. You do. You are under authority. And you are perhaps an authority over somebody else. That is just the way that society works.
Mutual Submission: The Foundation Before Specific Roles
Well God has an order in the Christian family. And when it says that you should submit one to another, it means to get in order under something. It is a military term that means to rank under. So if you have an officer over you, you salute them. They have that authority over you.
But notice it says submit to one another. Before it says anything about wives submitting to husbands, it says submit to each other. What does that mean? It means it is a partnership. And it means that you have your mate's interests in mind. And you want to do whatever you can to lift them up. And to build them up. You are their number one fan. And they are yours. They know you are always in their corner. And you know they are always in yours. That is the idea of submitting. We are holding one another up. We are building one another up.
Understanding Biblical Headship and Submission
But now we come to the role of the wife in particular. A loving wife will submit to the servant leadership of her husband. Hopefully the husband is doing his part. Can I make a suggestion? Stop reading each other's mail. And by that I mean, husband, stop quoting the verse about wives to your wife. And wives, stop quoting the verse about husbands to your husband.
Husband, why don't you just focus on your part. And do what you are supposed to do. And wives, why don't you just do the same with the verses God has given to you. Don't tell him, you are supposed to do this. Hey, you know, just do your part. Do your part and watch what happens.
Yes you are to submit to the leadership of your husband. Now understand this verse is not implying that a man is better than a woman. He isn't. Nor is a woman better than a man. They are just different. That is all. When God calls a woman to submit to the leadership of the man, this is not saying that the woman is any less than the man.
The fact of the matter is, is when it comes to our relationship with God we have equal access. The Bible tells us in the book of Galatians 3:28, In Christ there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female. Yet though there is no difference between men and women in the nature of their salvation, or standing before God, there is a principle of authority in the family.
And if you struggle with this idea of the man being the spiritual leader or head, consider the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 11:3. It says, I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.
Now what does that mean when the Bible says the head of Christ is God? Is God the Father better than God the Son? No. They are co-equal. They are co-eternal. The Trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The Bible is saying that God the Father is head of Christ, not in essence or in nature, but in function.
See when Jesus came to this earth, though He was God, He humbled Himself, and laid aside His privileges, and took upon Himself the form of a servant, and submitted to the will of the Father. Right? Remember Him in Gethsemane. Nevertheless not my will, but yours be done. He submitted to that authority. Not because the authority of God the Father was greater than God the Son, but because it was a structure.
So Paul draws upon this, and then applies it to the marriage. Alright. So this is the position. The man is the spiritual leader. The woman submits to that leadership. However, let me say to you guys, any guy that does not seek his wife's input on the decisions of life is an idiot. You are partners.
I can't think of hardly any time in 38 years of marriage when I have said, We are going to do this. I am the head of the home. No. I always talk about it with my wife, and I value her input. I value her wisdom. I listen very carefully to it. And we usually come to a decision together. But there is an authority structure.
In Proverbs 31 again, we read that the husband has full confidence in his wife. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is in her tongue. A wise man will listen to his wise wife.
Motives and Limits of Biblical Submission
What is the motive of submission? Well, you do it as unto the Lord. Verse 22. Submit to your husbands as to the Lord. You know, maybe sometimes you don't want to submit to that authority. You do it to the Lord. As unto the Lord. This is true of life in general.
I mean, take your job. And you have an employer. You have your boss. And maybe you have a great boss. And maybe you don't have such a great boss. He is sort of like Michael on The Office or something. You know. And you don't always want to do what that boss or that employer wants you to do. Well do it as unto the Lord.
Colossians 3:23 says, Whatever you do, work at it with all of your heart as working for the Lord. So don't work as unto the paycheck. Or work to please the boss. Say, I am just going to do this for God's glory. I am going to do the best job I could possibly do.
If I work at In-N-Out Burger, I am just going to act as though this burger, double double animal style, was just ordered by Jesus Christ. So would I do a good job on His burger? Hey, this song I am going to play. I am going to play it as though Jesus Christ were listening. Hey, this report I am filling out. I am going to write it out as though Jesus Christ Himself would read it.
Hey, this husband that I am married to. I am going to make this meal as though I were making it for the Lord. I am going to do all of this as unto the Lord.
You say, well now Greg, wait a second. Are there limits to submission? Does a wife do whatever her husband asks no matter what? Well, there are limits to submission. Colossians 3:18 says, Wives, be subject to your husbands as it is fit in the Lord. If your husband would ever ask you to do something that is unbiblical, you are not required to submit.
Let's just say that you have a non-Christian husband and he says, I no longer want you to go to church or read the Bible or pray because I am the head of the home. Do you say, okay honey, I will just submit. No, you say, well you know what, I love you but I am going to go to church. And I am going to read the Bible. I am going to pray. It is like the apostle said, we must obey God and not men.
But those are pretty unusual circumstances.
Practical Hope: Act Now and Watch God Work
Listen, there is hope today for your failing marriage. You need to come to God and you need to ask Him to help you. But listen, don't just pray for a miracle and wait. Just send the miracle, Lord. Send the miracle. He has already given you everything you need.
You know, He has given you the power. He has given you the resources. And He has given you the direction. The question is, are you going to just start doing it? Don't wait for some surge of emotional love to come over you. Just start doing what is right. Start loving. Start doing the practical things. Start showing kindness. Even if you don't feel like it, just start doing it. You watch how God can change a marriage.
In the book of Revelation, there is a message to the church of Ephesus that we are drifting away. And so Jesus gave them His prescription for restoration. He said in Revelation 2:5, Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place—unless you repent.
So the way to get right with God are remember, repent, and repeat. I think we could apply that to marriage too. First remember. It used to be better than it is now, right? Oh yeah. Really good. So tell me about it. Well, we had a great time together. We love to go out, and we love to do this, and we love to do that. When is the last time He did any of those things? Like took your wife out to dinner. Well, it has been a long time, you know.
Why don't you remember? Why don't you repent? And what I mean is change your direction. Start doing the things you used to do. Repeat. Get back to those things again. And watch what God can do.
Listen. Your marriage is a picture to this culture of the love of God for the church, and the love of the church for God. Don't let it break down and destroy your testimony. God can heal your hurting marriage. If we will let Him. Yeah? It is true.
Final Invitation: Come to Christ for Forgiveness and New Life
Let me close by saying that what I have said now to married couples, I want to say to everybody and move beyond the subject of marriage for a moment. How do I get right with God? Well, again, as I said, God showed His love toward us by sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross in our place for our sin.
And Jesus submitted to the will of the Father, and bore your sin and my sin on the cross, and then He rose again from the dead. And the same Jesus that lived and died and rose is here with us right now. And He is standing at the door of your life, and He is knocking.
You may be single, you may be married, whatever your status. And He will forgive you of your sin, if you will turn to Him and ask for His forgiveness.
So we are going to close now, and I am going to give you an opportunity to commit your life to Christ, and then we will commit our marriages to Christ as well. So let's all bow our heads to our prayer, if you would.
Father, I pray for any here now that do not yet know You. Lord, help them to see their need for Jesus Christ. Help them to find the forgiveness that You offer by believing in You now. We would pray.
Now while our heads are bowed and our eyes are closed, and we are praying together, if you would like Jesus Christ to forgive you of your sin, if you would like to know that when you die you will go to Heaven, if you would like your guilt taken away, or if you have fallen away from the Lord, and you want to come back to Him again today, would you lift your hand up wherever you are, and I would like to pray for you.
You want Christ to come in your life? You want to come back to the Lord? Lift your hand up. I will pray for you. God bless you. Just lift your hand up. God bless you. Wherever you are sitting, lift it up. God bless you. And you, up in the balcony, lift your hand. God bless you guys up there. Outside in the amphitheater, just lift your hand if you would. Up there in the court building at Harvest Orange County, raise your hand up.
Let me pray for you now. You want to make this commitment, a recommitment to Christ. God bless each one. Now I'm going to ask all of you that have lifted your hand, if you would please, to stand to your feet. And I'm going to lead you in a prayer of commitment to Jesus. Just stand to your feet. And I'm going to lead you in a prayer. That's right, just stand up. Others are standing, so you'll be one among many. God bless each one of you standing. Just stand up. Wherever you are, outside in the amphitheater, stand to your feet. In the court building, stand up. Harvest Orange County, stand up.
I'm going to lead you in a prayer. A prayer of commitment to Christ. Anybody else? Stand now. If you need to make this commitment. God bless you. Anybody else? One final moment. Stand now. Wherever you are, wherever you see me, stand up. God will hear your prayer. Doesn't matter if I see you. The Lord sees you. This is between you and Him. One final moment. Stand now. If you want to make this commitment. A recommitment to Jesus. God bless you.
All right, all of you that are standing, I want you to pray this prayer out loud after me. This is where you are asking Jesus Christ to come into your life. Again, as I pray, pray this out loud right now. Pray now if you would.
Lord Jesus, I know I am a sinner, but you died on the cross for my sin. And you rose again from the dead. I choose to follow you, Lord, from this moment forward. Be my Savior. Be my Lord. Be my God. Thank you for calling me and accepting me and forgiving me.
And now, Lord, I pray for every marriage represented here, especially for those that are fracturing, that are unraveling, that are falling apart. I pray, Lord, that you will extend your hand to each one. And that this marriage would be saved. And that this marriage would not only endure, but it would last a lifetime. And that it would indeed flourish.
Lord, help every man here to take to heart what we have learned in Scripture and start doing it. Help every woman here, Lord, to do her part as well. And we pray that you will bless our families and our children. We commit ourselves to you now. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. Amen.