Greg Laurie - Happily Even After (12/18/2017)
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Pastor Greg Laurie celebrates Mother's Day with his wife Kathy, sharing insights on the privilege and challenges of motherhood across generations. They discuss valuing the often thankless role, rejecting "have it all" myths, and seeing mothering as a God-given calling—then transition to a new marriage series from Matthew 19, stressing leaving and cleaving, communication, forgiveness, and building on Christ's foundation for lasting joy.
Happy Mother's Day – Honoring Moms
Well, how many of you are mothers? Stand up if you are a mom. Stand up if you are a mom. Yeah. All right. God bless you guys. God bless you. You are not supposed to applaud. Can you see this? Moms, you are not supposed to applaud for yourself. No, I know. You are applauding for the other moms. Well, you guys are awesome. We appreciate you.
And in fact, I want to talk a little bit about being a mom from my vast experience. No. Obviously, I don't know much about that. But my wife does. So I've asked my wife, Kathy, to come out. We are going to talk about moms a little bit. So welcome, Kathy. She comes. How are you? I'm good. Happy Mother's Day. I'm being a submissive wife this morning. You don't want to do this? I kept thinking, what are we doing on a Sunday morning, an interview? Well, who is a better expert on being a mother than a mother, right? Expert? I wouldn't qualify. Well, you know more than I know, okay? Well, that's a good one. Right. It doesn't take much, though, because you are not a mother. No, I'm not. You're a good father, though. Well, I try to be. An excellent father. You're an expert father. No. How do you feel about that? See, we both say the same thing. Well, you know what I said. No. I think that... Okay, so it's...
The Privilege and Reality of Motherhood
Being a mother is a great privilege. Totally. It is. But is there a difference between just being a mother and being a good mother? Yes. I think there's a huge difference. And I often think about this on Mother's Day because we get these cards that say these most amazing things, like, you're the greatest mother, you did all this, and I... You know, I would like to say, in this day and age, not every mother is a good mother. There's a lot of moms that have walked out on their kids, walked out on their marriages, and neglected their families. So, you know, hopefully we live up to all the cards and the accolades and everything. You know, we get a day that just celebrates being a mother. But, you know, I've said it earlier, anybody can be a mother, but I qualify that any woman can be a mother. Yeah. But not every woman sees mothering as a calling and a privilege, which it really is.
I think in an earlier generation, maybe motherhood was... What is that? It's like... Oh, okay. Fair applause. That's good. You know, in an earlier generation in our country, mothers were valued. Everyone saw the importance of a mom. But now, with modern culture, it's kind of like the new ideas. Oh, you can have it all, you know. And maybe this is exemplified by Hollywood actresses or whatever. But, oh, you can be like, you know, super girl. You can have a career. You can have a marriage. You can have children. You can do everything. You know, can a woman have it all? And what is having it all? Well, I think that, you know, if you look at some of the images and the fiction out there, that a woman can have it all. She can be the super businesswoman with a career and all that, and have all the time in the world for her kids.
I mean, when you look at celebrities, I mean, you have to realize, these women have assistants. They have nannies. They have people to do their grocery shopping, to cook their meals. Right. What you're looking at is not reality for the vast, vast majority of women. Right. Even the women that are in Hollywood that are having children in their later years, forties and fifties. You don't realize the team of doctors and specialists that are employed to make that happen. It doesn't happen. Ideally, motherhood, the female body physiologically is at its best in its twenties and thirties. And any time after, it gets harder and harder to bear children. But you wouldn't know that from the way, if you just looked at what Hollywood puts out there, what, you know. .. So you can't have it all like that. I don't know.
So what is reality? I mean, how important is it to be a mom? When you say having it all, it's extremely important to, to be a mother. And, um, in previous generations, we, we seem to understand the value of a family more. I think it's a pretty recent modern phenomenon that families could afford to splinter and break apart. We have a whole, um, system of welfare that can make that happen. But in previous generations, people were held together because of the necessity of, of children. Children were employees, if you would have it. They were, they were part of the family unit and they were needed. But now that that's not the way culture is set up and society is set up, it's easy to break apart. But as a, as a Christian woman, I think it's so important to realize that having it all as God defines it, is, is possible. Because the role and, and, uh, and job, if you would have it, can be viewed as a job. But it should be viewed really as a calling, as a vocation, as a great privilege. I mean, to bring, to be the one in the home, and I believe that wives are the thermostat for the home. They set the, they set the temperature of the household.
So if you're setting it, it's always going to be a little hot. Because she, she's always cold and I'm like, I'm hot, let's cool it down, right? Yep, yep, that's true. You set the thermostat. You do. What does that mean? Well, I think that we have a great deal of influence over our children and over our husbands. And, uh, I think it's a great privilege to do what some might look at as menial work. Things like preparing meals, keeping a tidy home, making sure the atmosphere is peaceful. So when, when your family walks in the door, that there is a sense of order out of, you know, this is the work of God. In the beginning, God brought order out of chaos, didn't he? Yeah. When he created the world, he, he created it in an orderly fashion. So for a wife to be, and a mother to be somebody who is a keeper at home, whether you're changing... And the Bible says that. It says that they are to be keepers at home. Exactly. That's not meaning it's wrong for a woman to have a career. No. But it is to say that don't take this privilege of being a mother and denigrate it or look down upon it. It is indeed a privilege and only that mom can do it.
Lessons from Raising Boys – Time Flies Fast
Well, I remember when you and I were raising our, our boys and they were little. Um, there was a time when I felt as a pastor's wife, this great open door of opportunity to minister to women. And we had at that time, probably around 700 women involved in women's ministry. And I was extremely hands on at that time. I mean, the phone would be ringing off the hook at the house. I was teaching Bible studies. I was meeting with the ladies and it was nonstop. It takes us 10 meetings for every one meeting that the pastors had. This is true. You know, the women's ministry. We love meetings. And we love to talk. So, it was, it was... She said it. It's true. Amen. Not Trish. It's true.
But you know what? There came a point in, in our lives as a married couple and as me being a mother, where you came to me and said, Kathy, um, there's only one person who can be a mother to these boys. And it's you. And it was taking too much of my time. And, and it is very wonderful to be out there and pat it on the back. And you know, you sort of congratulated and thanked for the job you're doing. Mothering is often a thankless job, but it is a valuable job. And in God's eyes, and that's where the key really lies, is when you see yourself, um, your identity is in Christ. Whether or not anybody notices you washing the dishes or cleaning the, the, the sliding glass door for the umpteenth time from all those tiny fingerprints everywhere.
God notices. And, um, it is God's work. And He will value it and He will reward you for it. And you get a great sense of satisfaction. Whether or not your children turn out to be college graduates or what your identity and your calling is wrapped up in doing it as unto the Lord and pleasing Him first and foremost. And trust me, uh, life can be very disappointing. So, we have, uh... Life can be disappointing, but God is never disappointing. That's good. He is. He is that. That's right. So? They're very... Clapping. They're not sure. They don't know. Okay. They want to applaud. Um, so there's some young moms listening right now, you know, and they're, it's a, it's challenging to get to church and, you know, and they just got the kids in Sunday school and here they are. And, and they're facing the challenges of little ones at home. And there's some moms here that have kids that are almost completely grown. You know, maybe they're entering into college. And, and there are some grandmothers and some great grandmothers.
So, what words of encouragement... Oh, let's just break it out in categories. Okay. Young mother listening, what would you say to her? What you've learned after being a mom all these years? I would say, hang in there. I know because I look at my daughter-in-laws and they are up to their eyeballs with little ones and life is full of little things, small conversations, small jobs, small things. And it seems like your life is, you know, as a woman, as you imagine it to be, might be consumed with very menial things that nobody notices, but God notices. I'd say, hang in there for one reason. It goes by so fast. Yeah. And anyone who's ever raised children will tell you the truth. That time that you have with those little ones, reading them bedtime stories, choosing their clothes. Because it's going to come in time when you can't choose their clothes anymore. Or they're friends. Or where they go. That's true. Value those times. Invest in your kids. Pour God's word into them. Bring them to a saving knowledge of a graceful and loving God. And demonstrate that to them with as much Patience as you possibly can.
Okay, so parents, now their children are launching them. They're empty nesters. The kids are going up to college. Is parenting done? Is being a mom done? Or is there still more to do now that the children aren't living under the roof anymore? To go back to culture at a different time. There was a time in history where families lived together. Multi-generational families lived together. And in my mind, when I brought that little bundle Christopher home from the hospital And was so overwhelmed at 19 years of age. I thought, what in the world have I just done? I have this huge responsibility and I was clueless. I assumed that there would come a beginning point of mothering and an end point of mothering. And there is no end point to mothering.
And like I mentioned, in times past there were multi-generational homes Where the grandmothers and the great-grandmothers and the moms and the babies all lived in the same house together. There was huge advantage to that. But I think the idea, even though we might not live in the same houses together. There is just wonderful aspect of being a mother that never ends. That never ends. And to pour into your children and then into your grandchildren. Is just such a blessing and a privilege. And you have... Seems like a lot of girls started to interrupt. Did I interrupt? Was that an interruption? I'm used to it. Oh. No, no. So... Like seems like sometimes girls... Guys too, but maybe girls more... They... They... They want to be perpetually young and beautiful and... You know... That's fine. But there is a beauty. There is an inner beauty that comes with time and with age and with wisdom. And instead of running from the fact that I'm an older woman now. Embrace it. Yes. Because what does the Bible say that older women should do for younger women? Well, to teach them. Right. To be keepers at home. To be lovers of their husbands.
And the best way to do that is by modeling it. Yeah. And if you're so busy with your life... And trust me, it's... You know, you're being told that you have to have the body of a supermodel and the face of a 20 year old. And the... You know, all of these things. Both of those. And I would just say... I'm delusional. I... Go ahead. I would just say that the... The greatest blessing in my life has really been... And you... To me, it's like a garden. You begin at, you know, a very young age. Me, 19, having a baby. It's like you're planting seeds in a garden. I was only 21, by the way. Don't think I was like a cradle robber. He was not. What were you, Greg? Like 50 then or something? She just aged better than me. That's all. That's not true. We're going natural here, folks.
But you know what is really important to realize is that parenting is like planting a garden. And you don't start harvesting. You know, when you plant a little seedling, you don't expect the next day to go out and be able to bring in the vegetables and the fruits. It's a process. It takes time. Yeah. And as a... If you do it right, if you live for the Lord and you value the role and job as a mother, in time, like a garden, you're going to reap a harvest. And you will see the blessings of pouring into your children's lives. Sure. And then as you get older, your grandchildren's lives and on and on. Great grandchildren's lives, hopefully. Yeah. And you've written a new book that I forced you to write. Yes. You did not want to... No, this isn't true. It's true. Kathy did not want to write a book. I'd say, Kathy, you should write a book. Oh, no. Who would want to read a book I wrote?
Well, I think a lot of people, Kathy, you know, you teach women, you write things on your blog site, your Facebook page, and ladies like to hear what you have to say. Oh, no, no. So I just kind of forced her in a way. But I'm glad I did because now this book is out. He actually presented me with transcriptions of the blogs that I write on the Virtue website. And some of my sermons and messages that I've given at our Bible study, which I'm very comfortable talking to you guys. It's all those other people out there that I don't want reading. But he presented me with this manuscript and you will edit this and get this done. Well, I helped a little. Okay, but here... He did.
I love this book except the title, I Married an Idiot. It... No. This is her book. It's called, As I See It. I've never said that. Yeah. I may have thought it. Oh. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm okay. Never. No. They say, Greg, how do you stay humble? No. Speak the truth in love, right? Right? Oh, I said, speak the truth in love. Yeah. Sorry. So here's your book. As I said, you're going to be signing this book after the service today. Yes, I will. So guys, what do I get my wife for Mother's Day? Hello? The salesman. And then for those watching in Orange County, you'll be signing that after third service. But if you want to grab a copy of this book, it's there for you. So thanks for coming and talking about being a good mom. Thanks for having me. Let's thank Kathy. All right. Thank you, guys.
Starting a New Series on Marriage
I know what you're thinking. It's like, can we just do that every Sunday and not have to listen to you preach anymore? The answer is no. So let's grab our Bibles and turn to Matthew chapter 19. And we are going to start a brand new series today on the subject of marriage. How does that sound? Yeah. You are not all applauding. All right. How many of you are single? Raise up your hand. Oh, quite a few. All right. Good. Don't feel left out. Chances are you are going to be married one day. You will need to know this information. Okay. Seriously. Number two. How many of you are married? Raise up your hand. Okay. How many of you are happily married? Raise up your hand. How many of you are unhappily married? Raise your hand. Don't. On Mother's Day? You are going to do that? Come on. All right.
Well I heard about a husband and wife who were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. So the husband took the wife by the hand and made a dramatic announcement. He said, Dear, in honor of 25 years of marriage I have decided to take you on a trip to China. China. She was amazed. China. You know how much I love China. I have always wanted to go to China. I have read all these books on what China is like. That is so extravagant. Thank you she said. I mean if you are doing this for my 25th anniversary what will you do for our 50th anniversary? He said, That is when I will pick you up. That is not good. Maybe that is why they say marriage is like a three ring circus. Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. But it does not have to be that way. Maybe that is why Oscar Wilde said, The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life. You can almost understand that statement.
J. Paul Getty, one of the wealthiest men that ever lived said, I would give my entire fortune for one happy marriage. One happy marriage. Is that even possible? Can a man and a woman really fall in love and as the fairy tales say live happily ever after? You know with the divorce rate as it is you would think no. The divorce rate today in America is roughly 50 percent. One out of every two marriages will end in divorce. However that rises with a second marriage where it is a 60 percent chance of divorce. Rises even higher in a third marriage to 73 percent. That is why I have given the title of this series, not happily ever after, but happily even after. Because I believe you can be happy after you are married if you do it God's way.
Building Marriage on the Right Foundation
Now you see that means that both people, the husband and the wife, have to do their part. And you bring the right ingredients in and place them into expert hands and the result will be good. I have told you about my grandmother before. We called her Mama Stella. She was from Arkansas and made everything from scratch. All of her food was fantastic. Her cooking was outstanding. But her crowning achievement was the biscuit. It should be in the Smithsonian, the biscuit of Mama Stella. Now I have traveled the world looking for a biscuit that even comes close. And I have not found one. She had the state of the art biscuit.
And I remember not long before Mama Stella went to be with the Lord, I said to Kathy, my wife, Watch how Mama Stella makes the biscuit. We don't want to lose this. We have to carry it on to the next generation. And it wasn't anything unusual with the ingredients that she employed. Buttermilk obviously. Self rising flour. Oil. But it was the way she did it. She just knew how to prepare those ingredients in the right way, putting them into a hot oven. Now look. You can't make a buttermilk biscuit and leave ingredients out. I won't use buttermilk. I'll use chocolate milk. Well that is going to be something altogether different. And in the same way in marriage there are ingredients that need to be in place for the marriage to succeed. But it is not just the ingredients. It is the ingredients placed into the expert hands of God. And voila. That is French for killer biscuit. No. This is it. So we need to do our part and bring our lives, our marriages to God.
But in our culture today it seems like people will spend more time thinking about the wedding than they do about the marriage. I mean weddings have become a cottage industry. They are very expensive now. Back when we got married it was like a hippie wedding. Okay. I mean you would laugh. I have shown you the pictures before. But I mean there was no budget. It was just all of the friends getting together and we got married. But thank God he blessed it. And my wife and I are coming right on our 40th wedding anniversary. So I am going to take her to China. No I am kidding. But you know you look at these celebrities that have gotten married and how short their marriages have been.
Kim Kardashian is a good example. Her wedding cost $10 million. It was watched by 4 million TV viewers. And it lasted 72 days. I think she just finished her divorce proceedings. I think when a marriage lasts that long all the gifts go back to the giver. Right? But there are other Hollywood marriages that have lasted even less time than that. Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson got married. Remember that? Their marriage lasted four months. Actress Renee Zellweger and country singer Kenny Chesney. Their marriage lasted four months. It gets worse. Eddie Murphy and Tracy Edmonds were married for two weeks. Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman. Their marriage lasted six days. Pop star Sinead O'Connor just ended her fourth marriage that lasted 16 days. And this is because people have not built these marriages on the right foundation.
And looking at this divorce rate some would say well why even get married? Why not just live together? Shack up? And besides it is a good test run. See if you are compatible. But did you know that is a perfect recipe for a failed marriage? The number of unmarried couples living together has soared twelvefold from 430,000 in 1960 to 5.4 million in 2005. And I am sure that number is much higher today. And the rationale is well this is how we will see if it will work out. But did you know living together actually increases the chance of divorce? More than eight out of ten couples who live together will break up either before the wedding or afterwards in divorce. So why should we even give this a shot? Because it is God's order. God created marriage. But it is a commitment that is built on a strong foundation. And it is a foundation of the Word of God. And I am telling you, you can have a happy marriage.
Comedian Chris Rock asked the question, Do you want to be single and lonely or married and bored? Are those the only options Chris? Single and lonely or married and bored? I suggest you could be married and happy. In fact you might be surprised to know how many happily married people there are out there. The number of people who say they are very happy in their marriage is high. 61 to 62 percent. And there has been little decrease in that figure during the last decade. Most striking long term studies demonstrate that two thirds of those unhappy marriages out there will become happy within five years if the people stay married and do not get divorced. Let me repeat that. In fact, during the last two decades the preponderance of research evidence shows that people who are married constantly have much higher degrees of satisfaction with their lives than those who are single, divorced, or living with a partner. See the key is you do it God's way.
Advice for Singles – Don't Rush Marriage
Now a word to use singles. Don't rush it. Take your time. Now Kathy mentioned that she was 18 when we got married. 19 when Christopher was born. And we had about a three year courtship. And you know we broke up three times. We got it out of our system before we got married. And I will tell you these were big breakups. These were breakups that pretty much were I never want to see you again. Breakups. But as time passed I began to realize that my love for her was real. And I think if your love is genuine it will stand the test of time. The Bible says many waters cannot quench love. Neither can floods drown it. And when people want to rush to the altar that is a mistake. Take your time. As Benjamin Franklin once said keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards.
And you should look for a godly man. Don't even consider marrying. Or even dating for that matter. A non-believer. In fact I will take it a step further. Find someone that is even more godly than you. So someone doesn't have to ask the question, Well are they a Christian? Well I think so. They actually said God a couple times. Come on. You want to find a man of God. You want to find a woman of God. My wife told me. I don't remember saying this to her. But she said, When we were first going out you sat me down and said, Kathy if you ever get in between my relationship with God you are out of here. I said, I said that? She said, Yes. I said, Boy I was quite the romantic. Wasn't I? She said, Actually I really liked it. I have never had a guy say that to me before. And she said, I have been able to manipulate guys. And to have you stand up and say that said a lot about what your priorities in life were. And that is how it should be. You should say to that guy or that girl that you are going out with, My most important priority in life is my relationship with God. Look for a godly person. And take your time. James Dobson said, Don't marry the person you think you can live with. Marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
Leave and Cleave – The Foundation of Marriage
I will tell you. I have a secret now. And this may be the secret that can change your marriage. If you want to be happily married here is what you need to do. Are you ready? If you are taking notes get ready to write this down. Marry yourself. I am serious. I did that. I said, What are you talking about? Well when Kathy and I got married, Pastor Chuck Smith did the ceremony. And people often call my wife Lori instead of Kathy. Kathy. Her name is Kathy Lori. Not Lori. But people will get confused. They will go, Hey Greg how is Lori doing? And I will say, Oh she is fine. Thanks for asking. I know what they mean. So Chuck after going through the vows. We went through the vows. He says, I now pronounce that Greg and Lori are man and wife. So I married myself. That is just a joke.
Ok so. But here is the thing. Every marriage is going to be tested. Every marriage. And our marriage has been tested. Mighty storms have come against us. The hardest of all was our son going to heaven. I know that is hard for Kathy today because it is Mother's Day. And our son Christopher was an artist and made the most amazing cards. His brother Jonathan is an artist as well and has done beautiful cards for his mom. But of course you know she feels that today. Because her son is not here to say Happy Mother's Day to her. And I feel it on Father's Day. Frankly we feel it on every day. But holidays seem to amplify it. But you know many marriages do not survive the death of a child. But I am thankful to say that our marriage has not only survived but it has actually gotten stronger. Because we have trusted in the Lord and He has sustained us through this. That's right. That's right. He has sustained and sustains. Present tense. Us.
Jesus told us what to build a life on. At the end of the Sermon on the Mount. Matthew 7 verse 24 it said, Anyone who listens to my teachings and obeys me is like a person who builds his house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the flood waters rise and the winds beat against that house, because it is built on a rock. But anyone who hears my teachings and ignores them is foolish. They are like a person who builds their house on the sand. When the rains and the floods come and the winds beat against that house it will fall with a mighty crash. That is a perfect picture of what you should build your marriage on. Your family on.
Here is my question. Is your marriage on the rock or is it on the rocks? If it is on the rock it will stand the test of time. If it is on the rock it will weather the storms. Notice Jesus did not say if a storm comes. Rather when a storm comes. And if you are built on a rock that is a firm foundation. It is sort of like watching people build sandcastles. And I have seen some people build really elaborate ones. They even have sandcastle building contests. And people have spent hours and hours. And I will admire their work. But then I will also think it is going to be gone so soon. You know with the next tide coming in. Or crazy little three year old kids destroying it. Usually boys of course. This is what happens. And that is what it is like to build a marriage on sand. To build it on fleeting emotions. Or to build it on sex. Or to build it on something else. You have to build it on something stronger that will sustain it.
I will tell you. Over the years. Many of you may not know this about me. But I have actually been married to five different women. It is absolutely true. Even more interesting is these five different women all were named Cathy. And even stranger they all spelled their name the same way. C-A-T-H-E. That is how my wife spells her name. I have never seen a name spelled more ways than the name Cathy by the way. Do we have any Cathy's out there? Raise your hand. Wow. Not a lot of Cathy's. This is like a non-Cathy service. There is one back there. I see you. God bless you.
Okay. God bless you Cathy. But what I am really saying is the Cathy I married at the age of 18 is not the Cathy I was married to at age 30. And the Cathy I was married to at age 30 was not the Cathy I was married to at age 40. And that is as high as I am going to go with the age thing. But she changed as I changed. You know, women often marry men with the intention of changing them. But they rarely do, girls. And men marry women in hopes that they will never change. But they do, guys. So despite that, because it is built on the right foundation, I find that every Kathy gets better than the one I was married to before. And the last one was great. But marriages go through changes. They go through trials. So build it on the right foundation. And you will come to know the truth of the Scripture. Proverbs 18.22. He that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.
Here is another saying it is not in the Bible, but it is also true. Marriage halves our sorrows. It doubles our joys. And it quadruples our expenses. But here is the thing you need to know. When life is over, there is only three things that are really going to matter to you. And they are faith, family, and then a distant third, friends. It is not going to be career. It is not going to be how much I built or how much I acquired. I remember reading recently about a magnificent yacht that Steve Jobs had built. And he never got to see the finished product. It was incredible looking. And this was something he had worked on in the last days of his life. This amazing yacht. But you see you leave all those things behind. Those things do not matter when life comes to an end. First what matters is faith.
And when I have talked to people who have come to the end of their life, there seems to always be regrets in this area. I wish I had been closer to God. I wish I had been more involved in the church. I wish I had read the Bible more. I wish I had been a better spiritual leader. That brings me to point number two. I am speaking of men now. I wish I had had more time for my family. I wish I had spent more time with my children. I wish I had spent more time with my grandchildren. And then also So friends matter. But you will not be thinking about all your stuff. In fact all you have to think about now is who you are going to give it to. Because you are going to leave it all behind. So family matters. And that is why we want to make sure our families are strong.
Man I will tell you. Divorce has become so rampant. I wish we could strike the word from our vocabularies. Wedlock should be a padlock. And if there is a failure in a marriage the failure lies or the fault lies not with the institution but with the participants. And after forty years of counseling I would say Biblical divorces are actually a rarity. There are some. And listen I am not here to beat up on divorced people because if you are divorced what is done is done. Now you want to make this marriage you are in work. Now you want to do everything to keep this marriage strong. You do not want to repeat that behavior again. And the good news is God forgives. And gives us second chances in life. So understand that the Scripture speaks to that. And you can build it on the right foundation this time. But I have found that most people when their marriages have fallen apart is because they were unwilling to do their part. They were unwilling to follow what Scripture taught.
God's Design for Marriage – Leave and Cleave
So let's think about what Scripture teaches now. And look at Matthew 19. Now before we read let me give you a little backdrop. This is the story of the Pharisees who were the religious leaders coming to Jesus with a trap. And the trap was they wanted Him to opine on the topic of marriage and divorce and when it is permissible for divorce to happen. Understand that in this time the view of marriage was very liberal. Sometimes people will say you know the Bible is a book that has oppressed women and it treats them as objects. Nothing can be further from the truth. A person that says that is ignorant of history and the teaching of Scripture. If anything the Bible elevates the woman to her proper place. Before God and in culture. See back in these days the Romans they treated their wives as a mere object. A wife was like a slave to a Roman man. And then even among the Jewish people who were liberally interpreting the Scriptures a guy could pretty much divorce his wife for any reason. If a more attractive woman came along you could divorce your wife. That was grounds. If she burned your meal you could divorce your wife. That is insane. And that was taught by rabbis like Hillel and others.
So they come to Jesus. What do you think about this? And Jesus gives a proper perspective. See the Scripture elevates the woman. It tells the man you love your wife as Christ loves the church. And you give yourself for her. Well let us see what Jesus said. Matthew 19 verse 3. We read these words. The Pharisees came to him testing him and saying to him, Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason? He answered and said to them, Have you not read, He that made them from the beginning made them male and female? And for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two will become one flesh. So then they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together let no men separate. We will stop there.
It is interesting how Jesus evades the question and goes back to God's original plan. Instead of finding a way out of marriage He points them to the way to stay married. And even more how to be happily married as God intended it. And He takes them back to Genesis 2. And Genesis 2 tells the story of Adam and Eve. And God bringing them together. Now before Eve was created Adam, man he was living in the ultimate bachelor path. The Garden of Eden. And by the way the Garden of Eden is not some fictitious place. I think when we read about it we may think of it sort of like a fairy tale. Camelot, Atlantis, or Neverland. No the Garden of Eden was a real place in a real world where real events actually transpired. But think of it as the most gorgeous place you have ever seen. Every vision of every tropical island on every travel brochure. Eden surpassed all of these. Eden was perfection. And Adam's job, if you will, was to go through the garden and discover the secrets. And best of all, guess who showed up every day as the sun was setting? God Himself. Who would walk in the garden in the cool of the day. And Adam would talk to God. But there was something missing in Adam's life. And he didn't know what it was. Because it actually wasn't a something. It was a someone. And it was Eve.
And you know of course the Lord caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam. And as he slept the Lord took one of his ribs and made woman. And Adam awoke and said, This is not bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. This is woman. But why did God create the woman? God said in Genesis 2:18, It is not good that man should be alone. I will make a helper comparable to him. From the Hebrew that can be translated, Someone who assists another to reach fulfillment. And it is also translated, Someone who comes to rescue another. I like that. Eve rescued Adam. From what? Loneliness. And he really did the same for her.
There is a conversation where if you are aware of that Adam had with God. He was wanting to know more about Eve. He said, Lord, why did you make Eve so beautiful? God said, So you would love her, Adam. Why did you make her so soft? God said, So you would love her, Adam. Then Adam asked God, But Lord, why did you make Eve so stupid? God said, So she would love you. It is just a joke. Relax. Okay? Now that is not true. But here is what is true. God invented marriage. Marriage between a man and a woman. And only a man and a woman. That is His order. And it always will be. I have gotten a little hot water for seeing that recently. But it is true. The institution of marriage has been tested by millions of people over centuries and in multiple cultures and has not only survived but it has flourished.
Tim Keller in his book on marriage says this, and I quote, "Marriage did not evolve in the late Bronze Age as a way to determine property rights. At the climax of the Genesis account of creation we see God bringing a woman and a man together to unite them in marriage. The Bible begins with a wedding of Adam and Eve. And it ends in the book of Revelation with a wedding of Christ and the church." He concludes, "Marriage is God's idea." End quote. But why did God bring woman to man? She would provide what was missing in his life. Now listen to this. The purpose and objective of marriage can be defined by two words. Not only two words. There is much more to say. But let's just begin with this. Two words that need to be operative if your marriage is going to be successful. We found in verse 5. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. If you have a pen, circle two words. Leave and cleave. Those are the words. Leave and cleave. By the way the word cleave means to glue or to cling. So it is leave and cleave. Sever and bond. Loosen and secure. Depart from and attach to.
So a successful and lasting marriage begins with a leaving. A leaving of all other relationships. Now the closest relationship outside of marriage is specified here. That of a son to his parents. Meaning that if it is necessary to leave your father and mother then certainly all lesser ties must be broken, changed, or left behind. The primary responsibility of a man to a woman when they are married is to each other. You are still a son or a daughter to your parents. You are still a brother or a sister to your siblings. But now a new family unit has begun. And the primary commitment of the husband is to the wife. And the primary commitment of the wife is to the husband. Sometimes a guy can't let go.
I heard about a young man that was trying to please his mother and find a woman she would like. So he brought home a girl. His mom didn't like her. Brought home another girl. His mom didn't like her either. It has happened three more times. Finally he went out and he found a girl that looked just like his mother. She dressed like his mom. She talked like her mom. She acted like his mom in every way. And he brought her home. And his father didn't like her. So that is the problem with that. How many of you have heard that joke before? What do you want a medal? You send me some good jokes I use them I promise. So leaving means giving all other relationships a lesser degree of importance.
Now listen. This includes best friends. Best friends. Okay so is it okay to have friendships outside of your marriage? Of course it is. Can you have close friends? Absolutely. Best friend? That should be your wife. Guys. Best friend? That should be your husband. Ladies. See that is how it has to work. Oh by the way. Having relationships with members of the opposite sex. That doesn't work out so well. I don't know if you are aware of this. But most affairs happen with either friends or people you work with closely. It is not like you just go out and pick some random girl and have an affair. No. Or some random guy. No. It is people that you have friendships with. And so sometimes a lady may say, Oh well you know I love my husband. But this guy you know he is down at the gym. Or this guy met somewhere else. We are just friends. And we have coffee. But it is in and out. No. No. You can't go there. That is a recipe for disaster. See. Because your closest friend should be your husband. Your closest friend should be your wife.
Listen to this interesting scripture in Matthew 2.13. Excuse me. Malachi 2.13. The Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, although she is your companion and wife. So God is speaking to a man that has been unfaithful to his wife. He has broken his vows. And God says, You have been faithless to her. And she is your companion and wife. Interesting that it does not just say your wife. What does companion mean? The literal definition is, One you are united with in thoughts, goals, plans, and efforts. See your wife guys? You should be united with her. How well do you know your wife? Are you united with her in thoughts, plans, goals, and efforts?
If you do not have this right, men, your prayer life will go nowhere. Listen to the words of Peter. Verse Peter 3. Husbands, dwell with your wives with understanding, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel, as being heirs together of the grace of life, so your prayers may not be hindered. Say well I dwell with my wife. I got that one down. But the word dwell there means actually to be aligned to. Or to give maintenance to. Now guys surely you can understand this. Think of a car. I am not saying your wife is like a car. But there is a picture here. A car needs maintenance. Right? You have to keep fuel in it. You have to keep oil in it. Change the oil. Go in for your tune ups and so forth. Keep the proper air pressure in the tires and all that. But you maintain a car. Why? Because you want the car to keep running for a long period of time. Well you need to maintain your marriage as well.
Now when something is wrong in a car often one of those idiot lights will go off. Right? A little red light. I think sometimes we should have idiot lights in our marriage. Something is not right. Or those telltale warning signs. One might be a man or a woman that is seeking marital counsel from someone from the opposite sex. You are having problems in your marriage that say ladies and your husband isn't as understanding as you would like him to be. But you met this super sensitive guy. So you have been talking to him about your troubled marriage. And he is giving you counsel. That is so stupid it is unbelievable. That is almost like going up to a guy and saying, Hey, can we have an affair? Seriously. Or you are going to some girl getting marital counseling because you are having troubles with your wife. That is absurd. You want marriage counseling.
Come talk to one of the pastors here and we will give it to you right from the Word of God. But there are other telltale signs your marriage may be in trouble. Maybe when she refers to you as her current husband. This is my current husband. Not a good sign. So you have to periodically take stock of your life and your marriage and ask yourself this question. Is there any relationship I am involved in that could put distance between my wife and myself? Is there anything that could hurt our marriage? It is interesting how when Paul directs these words to a marriage he always seems to zero in on husbands. In Ephesians 5.25 he says husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church. We will talk about that more later. But again it is reinforced here in verse 5 of Matthew. A man will cleave unto his wife and they will become one flesh.
See the idea is the man is supposed to take the lead here. So often in Christian homes men are passive at best and resistant at worst. They are not the spiritual leaders God has called them to be. They are not taking the initiative. The wife is. And the men should be the spiritual leaders. The man leaves his father and mother. Leaves them. And then what does he do? He cleaves to his wife. That word cleave means to adhere to. To stick. To be attached. But the verb suggests a determined action. So it is not like you are stuck together. It is more like you are holding on to each other. Think about mountain climbing. You are holding on. Why? Your life depends on it. That is marriage. Not oh we are stuck. Got married. The old ball and chain. You know. No, no, no. We are holding on to each other. She is my best friend. He is my closest companion. We want to keep this relationship and this marriage strong. That is a picture given to us in scripture. There is nothing passive about it. A literal definition is to cement together. To be welded together so the two cannot be separated without serious damage to both.
Now this requires constant communication. A survey was taken among divorced couples and they were asked the question, why did your marriage fail? Well 86% said deficient communication. Isn't that interesting? That is why communication matters. Basically there are two times in life when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage. But listen. Despite that you need to learn to communicate. Now a word to use singles. Sometimes I will have a couple come in and say, We want to get married. We are in love. Really. How long have you known each other? A month. And they are just making goo goo eyes at each other. Okay that is great. You want to get married? Yes. Have you had any kind of an argument or a disagreement? Oh no. We are too much in love. Get out of my office now. Go have an argument. Because you have to learn how to resolve conflict. Because there are conflicts in marriage. You have to learn how to disagree agreeably. And then you have to learn how to forgive. Ruth Graham said, A good marriage consists of two forgivers. End quote. It is a great statement, isn't it? When is the last time you communicated with your wife, man? Or ladies, with your husband? Just tell her you love her. Even a hug would go a long way.
Heard a couple that was having marital problems, so they went to see the pastor. After a few visits and a lot of questioning and listening, the pastor said, I think I have discovered the main problem. He stood up from behind his desk, walked out to the front of the desk, asked the woman to stand up, and he gave her a hug. And he turned to the husband, and he said to him, This is what your wife needs at least once a day. The guy said, Alright. What time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow? And he missed the point. Leaving and cleaving. Listen. Most marriages fail because of one thing. Selfishness. They get into a cycle of selfishness. And it becomes all about them. And they forget about the needs of their mate. I will address this later. But you want that person to cater to you. And that is how you are going to have a happy marriage. If only we would just come back to doing what God has called us to do. Do our part.
C.S. Lewis said, and I quote, "People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on being in love forever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think that this proves that they have made a mistake. And they are entitled to a change. Not realizing that when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, Lewis concludes, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning but they don't last. But if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter or more lasting kind of interest." End quote. Here is a loose paraphrase. There is an initial burst of excitement when a marriage starts. But then you commit yourself to stay with it and to honor those vows and it will get sweeter and stronger and richer with the passing of time. You can live happily even after. If you do it God's way.
The Rock vs. The Rocks – Building Strong Marriages
It is interesting that the Bible uses the marriage relationship as a picture of His love for humanity. Paul says, Husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. That is a tall order. We will talk about that more later. Not easily done. But really, how did God show us His love? By sending Jesus to die on the cross for our sin. Greater love is no man than this. And He laid on His life for His friends. Jesus said. And He did that for us. He laid His life down for us. To forgive us. So we could have a second chance in life.
And there might be some of you here that maybe don't have this relationship with God. Listen. If you want to have a strong marriage start with a strong relationship with God. It is sort of like a triangle. Think of a triangle. And think of God on the top of the triangle. And the man on one side. And the woman on the other. As they seek to grow closer to the Lord they as a result grow closer to one another. You see. But as they get away from the Lord there is more distance between them. So the best thing for a marriage is to first get right with God. And if you are single first find contentment in your relationship with God. No man or woman is going to meet all of your needs. Only God can do that. And we are all separated from Him by our sin. But if we will turn from that sin and put our faith in Jesus He will forgive us. So singles, married, whoever you are. If you haven't started there. That is ground zero. That is the very beginning. And let's conclude with that.
Bow our heads in prayer. Father, I pray that You will bless every marriage represented in this meeting, in this group. All that are listening and all that are watching. Bless their marriages Lord. And let them grow stronger to the passing of time. If there are marriages here that are starting to unravel would You strengthen them. As perhaps they build their marriage on the right foundation for the first time in their life. Lord help us to each do our part. As husbands and wives. So bless these marriages. And for the single people listening Lord. Give them Patience. And help them to look for a man or a woman of God. That they could have a wonderful relationship with in the years ahead. And finally Lord I pray for any here that have not put their faith in Jesus yet. Help them to see how much You love them. Help them Lord to come to You today and receive the forgiveness that only You offer. We commit them to You now. In Jesus name. Amen. Amen.