Dr. Ed Young - Unconditional Love
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We talk about parenting. First of all, we spent several weeks discussing what it means to have a marriage based on biblical principles. I firmly believe and can affirm that if the Bible teaches us about marriage, if those principles are not true, then nothing else the Bible teaches us can be true. Also, what the Bible teaches us about parenting is true, or it negates the other teachings of the Bible. Notice how this works together so beautifully: the bond of marriage is the God -given foundation for the bond and the calling to parenthood. Marriage precedes parenthood. It’s not that a single parent cannot do it; certainly, we have some beautiful illustrations of that going on in our church right now. But God’s plan was for marriage to be that foundation, and on that foundation, you would have parenthood.
The bottom line of all of this is that God teaches us as husbands and wives to love our mates unconditionally, and then the Bible teaches us that we are to love our children unconditionally. Where in the world does that unconditional love come from? Ideally, as the husband and wife love one another, the overflow of their love to the children is where unconditional love is manufactured. The perfect picture would be a couple who are hugging one another, and a toddler comes in unnoticed until the toddler begins to make his way between the father and the mother. As this husband and wife bend down to hug one another, the toddler is in the middle, receiving that unconditional love that comes forth from the unconditional love of a man for his wife.
This is the perfect biblical picture of how to parent. Our problem today is: how do you parent in a broken world, in a broken culture? The challenge is so high, but by the power of the Holy Spirit and with the ministry of a church that loves kids, it can be done, and it will be done in this family of faith. For hundreds and thousands of years, since the dawn of history, children have been pushed aside. In many cultures, you could let the child live or let the child die. If the child was like they wanted, the child would be retained; if not, the child would be given away, thrown away, put away, out of sight, out of mind. Generally speaking, that’s the whole culture of the world, with few exceptions — until Jesus.
Jesus took the female and elevated her to equality-neither male nor female, bond nor free, equal in equality with the male gender. Jesus did that. Jesus also took the child and put him center stage, where the child is rarely, if ever, found. We see it beautifully in many places, but none clearer, I think, than in the Book of Mark. The disciples are in Galilee, in Capernaum to be precise, and they were debating with people about divorce. Finally, they were discussing, «When Jesus brings in this Kingdom, what position am I going to have?» «Ask Andrew, what position am I going to have?» «Ask Thomas, what position will we have when the kingdom is established?» They’re debating this, and Jesus comes up to them and says, «What are you guys talking about?»
Silence. Then Jesus looks out and sees a little boy, perhaps a toddler. This is what he does: listen to the words. «Taking a child, he set him before them. Taking him in his arms, he said to his apostles, 'Whoever receives one child like this in my name receives me, and whoever receives me does not receive me but him who sent me.'» In other words, he took that child in his arms and said, «This child receives me, and I receive this child. My heavenly Father receives this child as well.» The child was put center stage to show an example of what leadership and position in the kingdom of God is all about. But then they took off and started talking about other theological, very important issues.
Finally, Jesus looks at them, and in verse 42, right after that, it says, «Listen, whoever causes one of these little ones who believe to stumble, it would be better for him if a heavy millstone were hung around his neck, and he were cast into the sea.» Is that pretty serious? Does that sound over the top, even for Jesus? If anyone messes around with, confuses, lies to, or abuses any of these little ones, it would be best for them if they had a big rock or stone around their neck and were thrown in the sea and drowned. That sounds pretty severe, doesn’t it? Those are the words of Jesus.
Now, you would think that those apostles would have understood the centrality of a child. No one will get into the Kingdom unless they have the humility of a child, the grace of a child, the understanding of a child-not to be childish, but to be childlike. That’s the secret of greatness. Now, they didn’t get it. In the very next chapter, that’s the ninth chapter, they left Galilee in the north and moved to Judea in the south. A large crowd gathered around Jesus, and there were children in the crowd. The children looked at Jesus, who was the central figure as he was teaching, and the children were rushing to him.
The parents were perhaps taking the children, wanting Jesus to place his hand on them and to set them aside, to honor them, as we sought to do today in our own way. But the apostles-look what they were doing in verse 13, chapter 10 of Mark: «And they were bringing children to him so that he might touch them, but the disciples rebuked them.» They said, «Hey, hey, we’re doing big stuff!» You know what they were talking about? Divorce and marriage-that’s pretty important. The children were coming to Jesus. I don’t know how many-a large crowd, a lot of kids, toddlers, four, five, six-year-olds-came to Jesus, and the apostles said, «We’re doing big stuff here! We’ve got important things going on! You parents take care of your children!» Man, this is the Messiah, and we’re pushing him away.
Then we see something that we see only three other times in the Bible. Verse 14: «But when Jesus saw this, he was indignant.» Let me tell you something: Jesus snapped. This only happened three times in Scripture. In Mark 3, in the synagogue, he’s going to heal a man with a withered arm, and all the Pharisees were looking and said, «Well, is he going to do this on the Sabbath day?» Jesus snapped-righteous indignation toward their attitude toward healing. Then we know in the next chapter of our book, here in chapter 11, Jesus, before he’s crucified in that last week, goes to the temple and sees all of those in God’s house taking advantage of people, exchanging coins and selling goods. It was like the marketplace, exploiting even those who came from far to worship on that high and holy day.
Jesus snapped. He got that whip and went through that sacred temple, cleaning out all those con artists, all those phonies, all those hypocrites who exploited, in the name of religion, the people who would come. Then, in our scripture today, Jesus snapped when he saw them pushing the children away. Jesus said, «Permit the little children to come to me; do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the Kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.» He took them in his arms and began blessing them, laying hands on them. Jesus took children and put them at the center of his ministry.
Let me ask you something: what has happened to the body of Christ? For 2,000 years, basically, the church has said, «Put the children over there; get them out of the way.» Let me tell you something about the second family right here, in which we’re part of this worship service: we love kids. We can prove it because they are central in everything we do in this church family. Now, in most churches, you’ll have a time when they need somebody to work with the junior high kids. «Won’t somebody volunteer?» Nobody wants to go and work with those junior high and middle school kids. «Man, we need people to go to the middle school. How desperately!»
Well, «Oh, high school, would you dare work with those high school kids?» We don’t do that here. We’ve never done that here. When somebody comes and says, «You know, maybe God has equipped you to work with this age group or that age group,» you are privileged. We don’t beg; we solicit and find those who are most gifted at loving kids and bringing them up along with Mom and Dad in the way God has designed them. This is how we operate in this church: the highest priority is our kids, and then, as parents. I’ve said many times, I’d like a redo. I’d like to say, «Hey, let me do this thing over again with my three sons.» But somehow, with a great mama, they have done alright in walking with the Lord, and I thank God for that. But we’d all like to go back and do it a little more biblically than we did; I would, and you would.
Well, what is the way you bring up kids biblically? The Bible is full of that. You want to know how to bring up a child in the 21st century God’s way? That’s what we’re talking about. We’ve already discussed it. Back, you remember in the Book of Proverbs? Let me remind you of where we’ve been. Proverbs says clearly, Proverbs 22:6: «Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he’s old, he’ll not depart from it.» Remember I told you that was not a promise; that was a principle. Then we turn over to Ephesians, and Paul elaborates in Ephesians chapter 6 on that one way, very briefly. He says, «Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.»
Discipline and instruction of the Lord-remember the stages of bringing up kids and the stage from three to thirteen. By the way, these ages are not dogmatized; they may be 14, they may be 12. They are not dogmatized. But in that period of time, after the mother stops being a 24/7 servant of the child and begins to talk and train, you begin that critical period of 3 to 13. That’s when we have to discipline. That’s a word that’s part of the training. Then we are to instruct. You have to discipline before you instruct — very important. What do I mean by that?
I mean that when mom or dad says yes or no or stop or start, they obey virtually every time if you do it right when you say it the first time. I ask myself, «How in the world did my mom discipline me?» I look back on it, and I can tell you I thought from 3 to 13-even after I had the best mom in the world! I really did; she was tough. She didn’t mess around. There were absolutes here and absolutes there.
Finally, I remembered this; I hadn’t thought about it in years. I must have been about 10 years old, and somehow I got into a disagreement with my mother. At that age, I began to try to explain to her how she was wrong and I was right. She didn’t agree, and didn’t bat an eye. So I said, «I’m going to leave home; I’m going to run away.» I remember it like yesterday; I can tell you right where I was standing in our house. She said, «Okay.» I knew where I was going. See, I had an aunt and uncle who had no children. They lived about a mile and a half from us. When I went there, woo man, it was great-no problems!
So I was heading for Gladys and Uncle Howard’s house. I went out the front door; I know I turned left. The Tomlinsons lived next door. I turned left again to go through the park to go to Gladys and Uncle Howard’s house because I was out of that place where they caused me so much trouble -always saying no, no, no. I got almost out of sight, and my mother said, «Edwin!» I turned around, and she said, «You left the light on in your room.» True story; I could not make it up.
Listen, in my house, the unpardonable sin was to leave the light on! In fact, even today, people that work up here, if I go in the office and they are gone, and a light is on, they hear from the pastor. I’m that picky about lights! I don’t want to pay those folks and take God’s money and throw it away unless it needs to be. My mother said, «You left the light on!» She didn’t tell me to come back. I knew I had to cut that light off. So I retraced my steps, went to the corner, went by the Watkins house, came back in front of the Tomlinsons' house, turned up my street, and went in there and cut the light off. In the process, I decided, «You know, this isn’t a bad deal after all! I think I’ll stay at home.»
Now, what is all of this childhood silliness about? Parents, don’t miss the principles. In that period of time, you have to dominate control with ease, determination, and repetitive teaching so that your children will learn to respond. When they run into the street, you can say stop, and they will stop. That’s parenting-biblical parenting. You want to make it a little fancier?
We have, in our brains, 86 billion neurons. I counted them yesterday-86 billion neurons are in our brain. They have those little electrical and chemical impulses in which they communicate with one another as to how we act, what we do, and how our habits are formed. Those chemical and electrical inputs are called synapses. It takes about 400 repetitions to change something in your brain. Unless, in a child, you teach games, through games and play, a child can change in about 10 repetitions. How does that work? Well, you’ll teach your child to respond.
You remember Simon Says? If you didn’t play Simon Says, I don’t know if you’re an adult. Well, we played Simon Says. Simon says, «Pat your head.» Okay? «Simon says, touch your nose.» «Simon says, touch your chin.» «Touch your ear.» You touch your ear, but Simon didn’t say it, so you’re out! You see what you’re teaching? You see what you’re teaching? You’re rewiring part of their brain.
As we used to play, I Spy. You’d be in the room and say, «I spy, I spy something that is red.» They look around and name things. «Oh, it was that flower!» Yes, teaching concentration, teaching looking for colors-that’s how we train up our children. That’s part of the mechanism that we use, and that is how we teach them discipline.
«Come! Go! Stop! Lift!» Here you are. We do that from 3 to 13, and then, in the latter part of that period and into the teenage period, we begin to do something else. You give instruction: «Do this, why?» «No reason, I said, do it!» Then, after they have done it, if they want information, then you tell them why-not before. Remember, that’s where we mess up, parents. I messed up many times.
Therefore, first, there is discipline-absolutes. We don’t do this; we do this. Then following that, there is instruction — that’s where we train. We talked about the different ways that you instruct. What is our goal for our kids? That our sons and daughters will be that man, that woman God designed them to become. How do we reach that goal? Several ways.
What is a part of this instruction? The first part, you want to make them like Jesus. Build into their life Jesus’s principles. There are books we can read. Remember, our church showed me a super book. I hadn’t seen the Bible as if Jesus would write; we give books to parents to read to their children at night-the stories of the Bible, the stories of Jesus. That’s the way we begin to build an appetite for God.
How does this work in the Hebrew world? When a baby is going from milk to solid food, they would take a date paste, which was sweet, and put it in the roof of their mouth. They would then begin to transition from milk to solid food. That was creating an appetite. So you create an appetite for your child for God.
You see, if you’re training them up in the thoughts and mannerisms of Jesus, the next thing you do is say, «I want my son or daughter to be like Jesus.» And I want to be like me. Can you stand up and say, «Boy, I hope my son turns out like their daddy,» or «I hope my daughter turns out like their mother?» Can you honestly say that? You see, that’s the problem. Remember, I’ve said it many times: children do what we require them to do until they become teenagers. A little older, they begin to do what you do and what I do.
Can you say, «I want my son to be like their father?» Well, I want to do anything for my son, but that-to believe in God, to be faithful to his church, to read that Bible every day-that’s our goal! You say, «What am I bringing my child to do?» To be like Jesus!
Next thing: say, «I want my son, my daughter to be like me.» The third thing we can say is we want them to be in the family, to know they’re in the family of God. Let me tell you something: if children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. But if children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. If children live with acceptance, they learn to love. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
What are your children living with?