Dr. Ed Young - Practical Parenting

TOPICS: Parenting

We hear a lot about colors: red states, blue states, purple states, white, green, black, orange. We hear a lot about colors, but there’s one color that is a very, very dangerous color. I don’t think you could guess what it is. It is an angry color; it is a dangerous color. It is a color that breeds discord, and the color is gray. Gray is a pigment without any colors; all the colors are absent. It’s just sort of a bland gray, and gray is a very, very dangerous color.

Somebody might say, «I thought we were talking about parenting; what does that have to do with parenting?» I can tell you what it has to do with parenting; it has everything to do with parenting. You have a gray father who is passive. You can predict with almost unerring accuracy the plight of the sons and the daughters of a gray dad. You can find a mom who is gray and just going through the motions. It’s such a labor; it’s such a problem; it’s exhausting. And you can find children who will turn out tragically like their mom.

What does it mean to say someone is gray? Someone is gray because they come out of a lot of our colleges and universities, where there are no absolutes. You have your truth; oh, I have my truth. Whether something is right or wrong depends upon the situation. There’s nothing you can say that is the way it is; everything has to be gray, everything has to be negotiable, everything has to be open. But I’ve got good news: the stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas.

Now, what does that mean? Why are the stars at night big and bright deep in the heart of Texas? I dare say there are only a handful of us here who know where the heart of Texas is located; only a handful. It’s located in Brady, Texas, ten miles out to the northeast. That’s the very heart and central point in Texas, and Brady is a small town. It is noted for only one thing: Dr. Rudder, who was president of Texas A&M. He’s the product of this wide spot in the road, almost in the very heart of Texas.

Now, why are the stars at night big and bright in the heart, in Brady, Texas? Do you know why? It’s because there’s no ambient light; there’s nothing competing with the darkness. You look up, and the stars at night are big and bright. Decisiveness, clarity- when something is gray or someone is gray, there is no clarity. Too many competing lights, too many competing agendas, too much noise, too much racket.

But when there is clarity- and that’s our problem with parenting, ladies and gentlemen-you take any mom and dad and say, «Here’s a baby that you’ve been given; what is your goal for that child?» Well, «I want them to be upwardly mobile; I hope they’re educated; I hope they have more than I have,» and I hope just some sort of general type of things. If you’ve ever been bird hunting and you take your shotgun and shoot up there without aiming, chances are you’ll hit nothing. You’ll hit nothing.

Therefore, parents need to know what their goal is. What are you trying to develop? What would God have you build into that son and daughter? It has to be a clear thing, a clear definition, and that’s exactly what we’ve been talking about, isn’t it? We’ve been saying, «Train up a child in the way he should go.» For most of us, you may have missed it: «the way.» There is one way to train up our children. I could train up my children in many ways, but there’s really one way to train up a child according to the Bible.

You can read all the psychologists, all the modern books, but God has one way to do it. We talked about it in training: train them to love God with all they’ve got. First commandment: love God with everything, first and foremost. Secondly, train them to love people: love your neighbor. Try to love that which we can, as much as we love ourselves. But that’s our goal.

The third thing is Bandura. The Bandura principle-most of you had a little psychology, you don’t know who that is-Bandura said the way you best teach people is by example, by saying, «Walk after me; do as I do; live as I live; follow me.» That’s the principle, and that’s the third thing: teach our kids to love God with all they’ve got; teach our kids how to love people.

And you know how they learn to do that? By looking at Mom and Dad. We have to say, «That’s the way I want to live,» obeying those first two commandments that Jesus said have priority over all the other rules and regulations. Not going too fast for anybody, am I? God doesn’t make it exceedingly complex. It is relatively simple.

Therefore, I would do anything in the world for my kids: model Jesus Christ in your life. Oh, because remember, they do pretty much what we require them to do until they become teenagers, and then they begin to do and live the way you and I live, the way you and I do things, the way you and I think. Train up a child.

When we’re doing that, we’re not gray parents, are we? We are decisive. We see what God’s goal is, and then we looked at bringing up a child. Remember we looked at Proverbs; train them. Then we looked at Ephesians, chapter number six. It says, «Bring up a child in the discipline"-big word-and «instruction of the Lord.» We discovered that discipline primarily takes place between, remember, the ages of 3 to 13. That’s when Mom and Dad really have a role in the eyes and the life of that son or daughter of God.

That is when we bring them to submission; that is when we say, «This is the way it is; this is how things operate.» Therefore, we take over the authority of our children between 3 and 13. If you don’t, oh, that’s when you have so many problems with teenagers. Because they have learned that when you say yes, you mean yes; when you say no, you say no. If you don’t do that from 3 to 13, you’re in for a long, tough ride. Mom and Dad, it can change, but it’s much more difficult.

So, discipline first, and then after that, there is instruction. This is when we talk with them; this is when we explain. In those years 3 to 13, we say, «You do this; you don’t do this; you stop here; you go there.» They say, «Well, why?» Because I said so; that’s enough. That’s what happens during those years.

Then, the years from 13 follow; it gets so much easier because you’ve established a sense of authority. Then you can explain; then you can go into the details that need to take place. We’ve already been through this; some of you missed it. Foundational principles of not being gray Mom and Dad: clarity, distinctiveness, understanding the goal right there.

And then, we’re still in Proverbs. I want to show you another little pregnant verse that’s in the same chapter where we find «Train up a child.» It’s in chapter number 22, verse number 15: «Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, and the answer for that is the rod of discipline; it will remove it far from him.» Foolishness is bound up in the mind of a child; that’s our challenge.

Children are fools. Oh boy, oh how, my child is-no, no. Children are fools because they cannot determine that which is best for themselves. They have free will, but they do not have the ability to make those wise choices, do they? No. A child is self-centered; a child is all about me, a child is all about what I want, what I like, what gives me pleasure, what I love to eat -those are children.

We can encourage that foolishness. Illustration: a five -year-old says to Mama, «I want to go to my friend’s spend -the- night party over at so-and-so’s house.» The mother says, «No, you cannot go.» Five years old, man-that’s a temper tantrum. «Why? Everybody’s going! I’m invited! They’re going to have a good time!» But Mama knows what will happen at that little five -year-old overnight party. Mama knows the family, the home in which those children will spend the night, and so Mama, without any explanation, says no.

Then there’s a temper tantrum. Then Mama says, «Well, maybe I’ve made a mistake; you know, maybe I acted too hastily; maybe we need to consider.» And then that mother starts to negotiate with the child-a five -year-old, folks! That’s the modern word: you have to cooperate with your children. Let me tell you something: if no doesn’t work and you have to bribe animals, you train by food and by punishment-not humans, not children; it doesn’t work that way, ladies and gentlemen.

And if that mother begins to negotiate with that child, you mark it down: wait till that child gets to be a teenager. You might ask, «I don’t know why my teenager is like this.» It’s because a father and a mother didn’t establish a clear, absolute authority between three and thirteen. A child has a foolish heart because they cannot determine with their own understanding, with their background, how to really make wise choices.

So fathers and mothers have to step in, and without argument, without debate, without negotiation, without manipulation, without rewards, they have to say, «This is the way we do it.» You do that from 3 to 13; the teenage years will be a blessing. It won’t be perfect, but it will be infinitely easier. Throw a temper tantrum? Oh, well, then, train up a child in the way they should go because a child has a heart that is foolish.

Does anybody want to debate the foolishness of a child’s heart? No, we understand that. What is the answer for that? This will surprise you; it is the latter part of that 15th verse. Look at it: «The rod"-the rod of discipline will remove it far from him. The rod of discipline will remove it far from him. You know the verse: «Spare the rod, spoil the child.» Everybody knows that verse.

Only one problem: it’s not in the Bible. Hello? Hello? Oh, I thought-no, no, no! «Spare the rod, spoil the child» is not in the Bible. Look for it; can’t find it. All of us who raised our hands, it’s not there. But what is there? It’s the instruction: the latter part of what we do about foolishness in the heart of a child as parents. It says, «This is what we do: the rod, the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.»

You see, the rod of discipline. Now, the rod there is in the definite article. What does that mean? It means that the rod is a specific procedure by which we engage as parents to get the foolishness out of our children. This is not the baseball player A-Rod; that’s an indefinite article. Rod is used many times in the Bible for many things; it’s used for a staff, it’s used for what the shepherd has, it’s used-and that is a rod.

You find it over there in Exodus, chapter number 21. A rod can be harmful; it is a stick, it is a bar, it is a limb, it is something that will harm. But the rod doesn’t mean discipline can’t be in there, but the rod says this is the program, the way God has planned for you to get foolishness out of your child. Do you get the difference? The rod is a definite article every time you see it in the Bible, and it says this is God’s program; this is how God operates: it’s the rod, it’s the program, the agenda.

You can also turn in your Bible to the very next chapter over to Psalm Proverbs 2:3; it says, «Apply your heart to discipline and your ears to words of knowledge.» «Do not hold back discipline from the child; although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.» The rod is not a stick; it is a rod. The rod is God’s principles for getting foolishness out of your sons and daughters. Do you get that? It’s very important.

Well, you say you don’t believe in spanking? Yes, you don’t believe in corporal punishment? Yes, but we’ll deal with that next time in more detail and more practicality. But in the meantime, this verse doesn’t say that every time your child steps out of line, bam! Some people think that, «Oh, he did this, bam! Slap!» But no, no, no; it says that we understand God’s program for bringing up children, and that is «the rod.» That is a definite article. A rod is a stick or a board, as you see in the Bible.

My point is: a child’s heart is foolish, and we have to deal with that foolishness with diligence and conscientiousness, knowing that our big goal is what we built into our children to become. It says we drive it out by what? What do we drive it out by? Right here in the scripture, go back to our scripture. It’s very clear: «the rod.» The rod, remember, is the principles of God, which will remove foolishness from that child.

Now, let’s be practical for a moment. What is the modus operandi of parenting? Unconditional love; that’s what works in all of this. That’s how we’re able to discipline, to instruct-it’s because they know our parents' modus operandi is love. We want them to know a couple of things: to know that they are important and to know that they’re safe. Know they’re important and know that they’re safe, and they know that big time, most of all, by discipline. They know they’re loved because we care enough for them to go out of the way.

It’s easier to bribe a child, to appease a child, to stop the crying. But how do we use this modus operandi, this unconditional love, practically in the whole area of getting the foolishness out of our sons and daughters? First of all, we have to control them with our eyes.

We have to control them with our eyes. A baby is born for about three to five weeks; their eyes are trying to focus. Okay? About five weeks to eight weeks, their eyes just flit around; they’re looking anywhere. When they get about eight weeks up, their eyes begin to slow down, and they’re all looking for something. What is it they’re looking for? Eyes! They’re looking for the eyes of that mother, the eyes of that person. The eye is so important.

Parents need to understand: parents that sort of look at their children, glance at them, and look over here, when they’re talking over here, you instruct, you communicate love or discipline with your eyes. Going back to school, I had an English teacher named Miss Saterfield. She was something, and the way she disciplined was that when you were doing something wrong, she wouldn’t say a word; she’d just look at you. We called it the «Sophy eye,» and I’m telling you, if it was on you, you straightened up.

I’ve used that with kids for years; it works! So, your eyes-we physically contact them with our eyes. It is so important for parents. In personality, if you ever talk to somebody, they sort of talk to you like this. I don’t mean you just stare them down; you look into their eyes. You comfortably look at people; you communicate with their eyes. Parents, that’s the way our children, our babies, understand love.

Also, there is the physical contact-the eye contact. Physical contact: there need to be hugs, there needs to be kisses; they need to be touched. Even particularly a teenage girl-when she becomes a teenager, her dad needs to hug her in the right way. In fact, there’s a study that’s been done-I don’t know how accurate it is-that everybody needs ten hugs a day. That just helps everything.

This has nothing to do with sensuality, by the way. They have large professional huggers all over America now. It is not prostitution; it’s not anything sensual. They’re just people who go around and hug people in rest homes. After COVID, they were really popular. They just go and hug people, and one lady I read about made over $300,000 a year as a hugger-a professional hugger! Why? By our eyes, we communicate we care; we love by hugging and affection in the right way.

We communicate that we all need about ten hugs a day. This is what we have. Also, there needs to be not only eye contact and physical contact; there has to be emotional contact. Study your baby; study your son, your daughter; get to know them and understand their heart. Somehow bind your heart around their heart, and then you begin really to be a successful parent in the 21st century.

It starts way back during pregnancy, certainly when they’re born. These are biblical principles that are beautiful. When we practice them, we see wonderful things coming through the lives of our children, my children, and my grandchildren. This is how we do it.

Tommy Edison was in the second grade. He came home from school one day, and Tommy gave his mother a note. He said, «Mother, this note is from the teacher, and she told me to give it to you.» The note read: «Dear Mrs. Edison.» As the mother read it to little Tommy, he said, «Read it to me.» With tears in her eyes, she read, «Dear Mrs. Edison, your son Tommy is brilliant; he’s a genius. He’s far beyond the ability of any teacher in this school to teach him. You’re going to have to teach him at home. He’s not welcome back here because he is far, far beyond anything we can do.»

So, Mrs. Edison taught her son at home, and he became Thomas Edison-perhaps one of the most creative minds ever produced, not only in America but in the world. When his mother died years later, he was looking through some things in a drawer, and according to his memoir, he saw that little note that he’d carried home to his mother. He said, «You know, I want to read that note myself.» And the note didn’t say what his mother said it said.

The note said, «Your son is addled,» which meant mentally ill in that day. «We won’t let him come back to school here anymore; you’ll have to teach him.» Edison said when he read that, he cried and cried for hours. Then he wrote in his memoir these words: «Thomas Alva Edison was an adult child that a hero mother became the genius of the century.»

Mom and Dad, everybody may give up on your son and daughter because they say, «Oh, they’re fools,» but a mom and dad who bring a child up-teaching, loving with unconditional love-you’ll be amazed at what that son and daughter will become.