Craig Smith - The Devil Wants You Lonely
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So I’ve been studying the life of Joseph lately. If you don’t know who Joseph is, he’s one of the 12 sons of a man named Israel. Israel had 12 sons, and they became the beginning of the 12 tribes of the nation that we know as Israel. And Joseph was one of those 12. I’ve been studying his life lately, and it’s actually a pretty amazing story. If you don’t know it, he basically went from being the favorite son out of 12 to being an imprisoned slave. Then through a series of events, he worked his way up to become the second most powerful man in all of Egypt during a period that many scholars actually think was the height of the Egyptian Empire. It’s a pretty impressive story.
Along the way, by the way, in that rise to power, he actually managed to save not only his entire family but all of the Egyptian population, as well as hundreds of thousands of people from the Middle East, when there was this devastating famine that hit. I mean, talk about leaving a legacy, right? And how many of us would like to be remembered for having done things like that? Of course. I was thinking about that recently. I was thinking about all of his accomplishments and everything that God did through him. As I was reflecting on this big legacy he left, I found myself reading this verse that I had never really noticed before. This is right after he’s died.
Exodus 1:8 says this: «Then a new king, a new Egyptian king to whom Joseph meant nothing, came to power in Egypt.» I had two thoughts. I thought, «Hmmm, accomplishments are forgotten; relationships are forever.» Accomplishments are forgotten. I mean, the new king didn’t care about his accomplishments-one generation forgotten. But relationships are forever. Joseph might have meant nothing to the king of Egypt, but he meant something to someone, right? He meant something to his wife, to his kids, to his brothers, to his nephews and nieces, and they remembered him long enough that eventually the stories were passed down to a man named Moses who wrote them down in the book of the Bible we call Genesis.
So clearly, Joseph meant something to someone, but it was to those he had relationships with. Accomplishments are forgotten; relationships are forever. I have a friend who says it this way, and I’ll give him credit for it this time. Do you know how preachers do it? When we use something that somebody else has said that we think is really good, we go, «Hey, so-and-so said it.» That’s the first time. The second time we say something like, «You might have heard me say it before.» Then the third time it’s like, «I always say…» Chad’s done that to me; I’ve heard him do it, so I’m going to do it to him. I’ll give him credit this time, but he says, «In the end, all that matters is God and people.»
In the end, all that matters is God and people. What he means, of course, is relationships. In the end, it’s your relationship with God and your relationship with people that matter. And by the way, those aren’t two separate things; those are two sides of the same coin, because Jesus made it very clear that the number one way people know we have a good relationship with God is actually in our relationships with other people. He said, «By this, everyone will know you are my followers if you love one another.»
It’s relationships. In the end, all that matters is God and people. I’ll be honest, if I could go back in time and talk to my younger self, we would disagree about that. I think that’s true now, but when I was younger, I didn’t. In fact, I was thinking about this recently. I learned a long time ago, after we’d been married for not very long, that if I’m dating my wife and if I want the date to end well-and that’s all I’m going to say-but if I wanted the date to end well, I realized it needed to begin well.
One of the things that I realized helped it begin well was that if I came to the date prepared with some questions to talk about. One of the questions we’ve talked about a lot over the years is, «What do you want to be remembered for?» It’s interesting that my answers have changed. I know that because just very recently, we were talking about it. I asked that question, and she had an answer, and then she turned it back: «What do you want to be remembered for?»
And I realized, as I was about to give kind of an answer that I’ve given a lot over the years, it wasn’t really true anymore. I had this kind of weird moment where I looked at her and I went, «I think I want to be remembered for being kind.» And then my next immediate reaction was, «What has happened to me? Who is this?» But that’s what I found I actually meant: I want to be remembered for being kind. By the way, kind, not nice-very different things. I didn’t grow up in the South, but my parents were from the South, so I’m familiar with the South. And in the South, they are nice. I call it southern sweet. But they can say things like, «Oh, bless your heart,» but what they mean is, «I’m about to cut your throat.»
Okay, I’ve heard the same thing-I’ve heard Minnesota nice, Midwest nice. Okay, I’m not talking nice; I’m talking about kind. I’m talking about even the ability to have hard conversations with people, because clear is kind. Have hard conversations, but in a way that they know that you love them and you actually want the best for them, even if you happen to be challenging them on something. I actually want to be known for being kind, and I want my kids and my grandkids to go, «Yeah, he was really kind.»
I don’t think that’s necessarily true, that that’s what I’ll be remembered for, but that’s what I’m working towards now. And that’s a big change as I’ve come to understand that accomplishments are forgotten; relationships are forever. That, in the end, all that matters is God and people. So we’re starting a new series today called the Legacy Lens. We’re going to talk about living our lives in a way that allows us to leave a legacy that we’re going to be proud of. But what I want to make sure you understand right now, before we launch into it, is that the legacy you leave-it’s not something you’ve done, it’s not something you’ve accomplished, it’s not some possession that you’ve left. It’s people that you’ve loved; it’s those relationships. And so today, we’re going to talk about the foundation for healthy relationships.
So if you want to follow along, we’re going to be in James 3, starting in verse 13. James 3:13. And I’m going to read this whole passage because there are some elements of this passage that, if we just do it verse by verse like we often do, you might not understand what we’re really talking about because you need to see it in context. Okay? So I’m going to read the whole thing, and then we’ll back up and we’ll break it down verse by verse. Okay?
So James 3:13 says this: «Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure, then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.»
Okay, let’s back up and let’s break this down now. Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. This is one of those places where I wanted to make sure we understood the whole context because if we didn’t, we might see words like " good life» and " deeds,» and we might be tempted to think about stuff like, you know, avoiding sin and not having consistent sin that we’re caught up in, or maybe being charitable or generous or sharing the gospel -those kinds of things. And those are all good things. But in the context of this, we realize that what he’s really talking about, over and over again in this passage, is relationships. Right?
Everything here is about the relationships that we have with other people. And so what he’s saying here when he talks about a good life-this is so important to understand. I want you to write this down: A good life is all about good relationships. Write that down. It’s foundational for everything we’re going to talk about over the next several weeks. A good life is all about good relationships. And that’s true regardless of what your capacity for relationships is. When we talk about people’s different capacities for relationships, we sometimes talk about introverts and extroverts.
And I’m curious how many of us are introverts here today. Yeah, great. How many of us are extroverts? Okay, here’s what I want you to understand: it doesn’t matter if you’re an introvert or an extrovert. My wife’s an extrovert. A good life is all about good relationships. Now, introverts might need a smaller number of good relationships to have a good life, and extroverts might need a larger number of good relationships to have a good life. But we all need good relationships. A good life is all about good relationships. Okay, are we on the same page? Now the question, of course, is what’s the key to good relationships?
So here’s the key to good relationships: here’s what you have to do. You have to go to amazon.com, and you have to type in «the secret to good relationships,» and you have to read the 18,000 books that come up. Okay, you don’t have to do that. But it’s interesting how many there are. And because there are so many, it’s very tempting to think that good relationships are complicated. And good relationships are not easy. Okay, in fact, can we just be real with each other? Don’t look around, especially if you’re here with people you’re in relationships with. Don’t raise your hand; just look right at me, okay? But I wonder, by just a very small nod, how many of us know that good relationships aren’t easy? Okay, all right. Yeah, yeah, okay, they’re not easy. And we tend to go, «Well, that must mean that they’re complicated.» But honestly, the key to good relationships is not that complicated.
What James tells us here is there is a simple key that can transform every relationship. Whether we’re talking marriage relationships, or, you know, parents to kids, and kids to parents, or to friends, or coworkers, or neighbors, there’s one simple key to good relationships. And the key is-are you ready? -humility. What does he say? He says, «Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.» So let’s be very clear here: humility is the key to good relationships. That’s it. It’s not complicated, at least not to understand. It’s a little more complicated to put into practice; we’ll get into that. But I think part of the reason it gets complicated when we try to put it into practice is honestly because we don’t really understand what humility is.
I think there’s a lot of confusion about what it means to be humble. And I think one of the areas that most of us are confused about humility is that we’ve kind of accepted this idea that humility is about denying ability, right? That’s what a lot of us think humility is. It’s about denying ability. So when somebody says, «Great job,» you’re like, «It wasn’t that good a job.» Somebody says, «You’re really good at this,» and you say, «No, I’m really not very good at this.» Whenever I think about humility and this lie that a lot of us have bought into about what humility is, I think about when I was teaching and preaching at the seminary. I remember this one student gave a really great message, and so in front of the class, I said, «Hey, that was a great message,» and he goes, «It was all Jesus.»
So I said, «It wasn’t that great. I mean, it was good, but if Jesus had been here, it would have been better, dude.» But he bought into this idea that that’s what it means to be humble: to deny that we have ability, right? And it’s just not that. Can I tell you something that might be a little bit surprising about humility? You can actually believe that you’re good at something. You can acknowledge that God has made you gifted for something and still be humble. And that probably feels wrong to some of you, like, «Well, no, no, no.» Think about this: if you were talking to me and Michael Phelps-anybody remember Michael Phelps? 28 Olympic medals for swimming-if you were talking to me and Michael Phelps and you said, «Which one of you is the better swimmer?» and if Michael looked at me in the dad bod that I’m rocking and he said, «I don’t have any idea which one of us is the better swimmer,» that’s not being humble; that’s being delusional. There’s no question which one of us is the better swimmer.
And it’s okay, if acknowledging that when you have world record times on things. The truth of the matter is, you are the best in the world at that. And it’s okay to say it if it’s true; it has nothing to do with whether or not you’re humble. Okay, so if humility has nothing to do with denying ability, what is it? Here’s what James says; this is so important, but it might be surprising to you. He says, «Listen, let them show it by their good life.» Who’s wise? «Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.»
So humility is what we’re looking for, right? And then he gives us the opposite. He says, «But let’s go the other direction and talk about what most of us actually have.» And look what he says. He says, «But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.» So he sets up a contrast, right? So we want humility. Most of us don’t have humility. What we have is-what’s the opposite of humility? It’s bitter envy and selfish ambition.
Think about this. Let’s make it really clear. What God says is that humility is about not being selfish. That’s it. Humility is about not being selfish. And I know that’s a little strange to hear, but it’s so important to understand if we’re going to put it into practice in our relationships. The opposite of humility is selfishness. So the presence of humility is the ability to not be selfish, to look at the world and our relationships through a lens not of «What can I get out of you? What can I get out of this?» but «What can I put into this? What can I give to you?» And ultimately, here’s the thing -that’s going to lead to good things. That’s important to understand. It’s going to lead to good things for all of us, but it starts by asking not, «What’s the good I can get for myself?» but «What is the good that I can give for others?»
And there’s a good spiral, right? We talk about death spirals a lot of times; this is a life spiral. This leads to very, very good things. So let me just give you a couple of examples of what humility looks like in practice. When we talk about God and people, right? When it comes to God, humility says that what God says matters more than what I want. Right? That’s humility. What God says I’m supposed to do or not do matters more than what I want. And sometimes people go, «No, no, no. That’s not humility, Craig. That’s holiness. You’re talking about obeying God and not sinning. That’s holiness.»
Can I tell you something about holiness? Holiness is a result of humility. Holiness is a result of humility because we don’t start out wanting what God says. We start out wanting what we want, right? Because we have this conflict. We have God’s word and then we have our will, and there’s a war between God’s word and our will. And when our will wins out over God’s word, that’s because we lack what? Humility. We lack the ability to say to God, «What you say matters more than what I want.» But over time, as we submit, as we have enough humility to submit to what God says in spite of what we might want in any given moment, we begin to realize that what God wants is actually good for us.
And so we start to want what God wants. And so we become holy, but it started because we had a little bit of humility. You with me? Holiness is a result of humility in our relations with other people. Humility says, «What you need matters more than what I want.» Now, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your needs. I’m not saying that. It doesn’t mean you can’t even ultimately talk about what you want in a relationship, but it begins with saying, «What you need matters more than what I want.» And as I do that, we create a healthy context in which we can both talk about what we need, and it can grow into both of us getting not only what we need but ultimately what we want. But it starts with humility.
Now, unfortunately, that is not how we’re taught to live. That is not the wisdom that we get from the world. The wisdom that we get from the world is the opposite of that, right? Because I was thinking about this; I was sort of had my radar up. And so the last couple of weeks, I’ve been kind of looking for what our world teaches us about relationships. And what the world teaches about relationships, I heard it over and over and over again: it’s really about you. And so I heard phrases like, «You got to look out for number one.» They weren’t talking about Jesus. I heard somebody say that to somebody else: «You got to look out for number one. You got to look out for yourself first.» Or I heard, «You got to do you, girl. You got to do you.» My favorite one-I think this is kind of a new phrase for me, but I think it’s fascinating -main character energy. Anybody heard that one?
I heard somebody say it recently: you got to live your life with main character energy. It’s all about you. I saw a video -somebody sent me a video of a little girl who was begging for a popsicle, and she finally got it. She’d made quite a ruckus getting it. So, after she got it, her mom asked her why she wanted it so much. She said, «Because I’m worth it.» Now, she didn’t come up with that; she heard that. When I heard her say that, I thought, «You guys are raising a nightmare.» But she heard it because that’s what our culture teaches, right? And it’s not just that our culture teaches it, but we actually elevate selfishness to a virtue.
That’s what we’re doing, which is interesting because I think a lot of times we look at those kinds of things like, «Yeah, our culture venerates selfishness. We boast about being selfish now. That’s where we’ve come to,» right? And look how bad everything is and how far we’ve fallen. But can I just tell you there’s nothing new about that? We’ve always done it. That’s why 2,000 years ago James said, «If you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.» Why did he have to say, «Don’t boast about it»? Because they were doing it back then. It’s been around for a long time; it’s deeply rooted in the human condition.
Now, where does it come from? He says this: «Such wisdom,» air quotes, right? Because it’s not really wise. But such wisdom as the world teaches does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. Okay, come on, James, tell us what you really think! Right? He says it’s demon — he says, «Selfishness is satanic.» It’s rooted in our spiritual enemy because the Bible is very clear. The Bible teaches that you and I were created, listen to me, you and I were created to serve God and to serve others. That might feel uncomfortable; that might be something in you that reacts against, but that’s because we have been infected by the wisdom of the world. Okay, and we all feel it to some extent. But the Bible consistently teaches that we were created to serve God and to serve others.
What’s fascinating is that we think being happy means serving ourselves. What we are discovering as a culture is that actually being happy, having a good life, and good relationships is rooted in serving others. I’ve been listening to one of the former surgeon generals of the United States who’s been going on podcast channels right now, running into a bunch of different places, and he’s basically saying, «Hey, listen, we have a mental health epidemic in this country.»
And he’s not saying it’s all people that are delicate little snowflakes; he’s saying, «No, no, no, it’s a real thing. Like, it’s clinical, okay? There is depression and there is anxiety that are off the charts. More than 70% of our population is experiencing deep loneliness on a regular basis.» Okay, he says it’s a real thing. But when he’s asked, «What do we have to do to fix it? Where did it go wrong?» he says, «We got selfish.» And he says, «The fix is we have to rediscover, we have to recreate a culture of serving others.»
He’s not a believer; he’s not a Christian. But he’s recognizing that unless we adopt a posture of being willing to serve others and resist this temptation toward selfishness, we actually can’t be happy. I’m like, «Yeah, the Bible’s been saying that for a really long time.» The Bible consistently says we were created to serve God and to serve others, and that when we do that, we actually experience life the way God intended it, and it’s good. But we have an enemy who didn’t want that. We call him the devil or Satan. He came into the garden where the first human beings were, Adam and Eve, and he went to Eve and he said, «You got to do you, girl. Don’t serve God.» It was the first " you go, girl!» moment, right? It’s right there in the garden; you can go read about it in Genesis chapter 3. And so he said, «Instead of serving God and serving others, you need to serve yourself.» And they did.
I want you to pay attention to this. Maybe you know the story; if not, let me clue you in on something right here. Do you know what the first impact of the introduction of selfishness was? The immediate impact of selfishness was broken relationships. God came into the garden, and they ran away from Him-broken relationship. God confronted them, and they turned on each other-broken relationship. The immediate impact of selfishness was broken relationships, which is why James says, «For where you have envy and selfish ambition, where you have selfishness, there you find disorder and every evil practice.» He says, «Listen, if your relationships are broken, somebody’s being selfish.» He says, «Where there is selfishness, there is disorder.» And the word literally means chaos -everything’s out of sequence. In modern terms, we would say there’s drama.
Again, just look right at me. Don’t look around. But any of you have some relationships where you go, «There’s just way too much drama»? It’s just always chaotic. It just feels like it’s always kind of a mess. He says, «Listen, where there’s chaos in your relationships, somebody’s being selfish.» And he says, «Where there is bitter envy and selfish ambition, there is also every evil practice.»
And again, our temptation is to look at that and go, «Oh, you know, it’s all kinds of different sin.» And that’s true, but he’s talking about relationally. It’s important to understand that he’s discussing every evil practice. He’s referring to the practices in terms of the way we relate to each other. The original Greek word that’s written in Greek, and the Greek word that he uses there for «every evil practice,» is the word from which we get the word «foul.» Not like a bird foul, but like that thing that smells really foul, right? It’s spoiled.
I mean, here’s what happens sometimes in my house. When we go on vacation and come back, I will often go to the refrigerator and get a thing of milk, and I will realize there should not have been milk in the refrigerator because I’m going to just be real with you. We probably should have gotten rid of that milk long before we went on vacation. The biggest conflict in my marriage? I think expiration dates are real. I think Kleta thinks expiration dates are a conspiracy. By the way, I find that there are two kinds of people: there are people who think expiration dates matter, and people who think they’re a joke. And they marry each other. It happens a lot. I see a bunch of people looking around, right? It’s weird.
So, I’m like, it should have been gone a long time ago, but then we go on vacation, and we come back. I unscrew that lid, and I’m like, «Whoa, that is foul!» Right? That’s the Greek word. Okay? It’s foul because it’s spoiled. And what he’s saying-I think this is so important to understand-is that selfishness spoils relationships. You hear me, church? Selfishness spoils relationships. Where there is chaos, where there is drama, and where there is something you’re like, «It’s not right,» and maybe it’s just a little sniff -you’re like, «I think something’s off,» or it’s like something is really off. But where that stuff’s going on in a relationship, somebody’s being selfish.
Now, it’s probably her. It’s probably him. It’s probably them, right? And here’s the thing: it probably is on some level because we are all infected with selfishness. Can we just be real with each other? How many of us before God will admit that we’ve got a little bit of selfishness going on? Come on, yeah. So, yeah, it probably is her. It probably is him. It probably is them. But one of the things we say here at Mission Hills all the time is that Jesus calls us to spend more time looking in the mirror than out the window. Right? Jesus said, «Hey, don’t worry about the speck in somebody else’s eye when you’ve got a log sticking out of your own. Go to the mirror. Look in the mirror. Deal with your own stuff, and then you can deal with that other stuff.» Right?
And so, yeah, there’s selfishness all around. It’s probably not all on you, but we’re going to start with ourselves. Okay? So what’s the alternative? He says, «But the wisdom, the true wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure, and then peace-loving, considerate, and submissive. It’s full of mercy and good fruit. It’s impartial and sincere.»
We could spend a lot of time talking about each of those words, but they kind of break down into four principles. And I just want to go ahead and cut to the chase and give you these four principles that can transform your relationships. Okay? The first one is that good relationships start by rejecting selfishness. Good relationships reject selfishness. What does he say? He says they are first of all pure, meaning they’re uncontaminated. Uncontaminated by what? Well, what have we been talking about? Selfishness, that’s the subject. So he says good relationships are uncontaminated. They work to keep themselves free from the contamination of selfishness. Good relationships reject selfishness.
Now that’s a high calling because we are deeply selfish. We have been ever since Adam and Eve sinned. But as a believer, you have the Holy Spirit. And if you are willing to ask and cooperate with the leading of the Holy Spirit, you can actually get to that point where you say, «I hear the voice of selfishness,» but I don’t give it the final vote in what I say and do. I hear it; it says, «I need to say this, I need to do this, I need to get this.» But I’m not going to choose to do what it’s telling me to do; I’m going to choose to do what selflessness tells me to do rather than selfishness. That’s foundational. Good relationships reject selfishness. It’s an ongoing fight, but it’s a fight that, if you can start to make progress in, will transform your relationships.
The second one is this: good relationships are slow to pick fights. Oh, everything got really quiet there. Did I start meddling at this point? Because some of you like to pick fights, don’t you? Yeah, I know you do because I know I do. I think on some level we all kind of like to pick fights, but good relationships are slow to pick fights. What does God say? He says they are peace-loving. Some of you don’t love peace. Some of you say, «I hate the drama.» Then stop creating it. But we don’t actually love peace. He says good relationships are peace-loving, considerate, and submissive. They’re slow to pick fights.
You know, I know this is an issue because it’s an issue for me. There are ways that I pick fights. I’ll just be real with you and tell you one of the ways that I pick fights: I’m super picky about words, which maybe is not surprising since I’m a preacher and I make my living with words. But sometimes, Clet and I will have a little bit of a conflict because that does happen. Sometimes we have conflict, and I’ll get super picky about words. I’ll pick fights over words because it’ll be like, «Oh, you used that word.» Well, that word means this. And she’s like, «Well, I didn’t actually mean that.» Yeah, but that word means that, and I wouldn’t have used that word if I didn’t mean that.
So you were saying this. She’s like, «Well, no; actually what I was saying was this thing.» Yeah, but you said this, so you meant this. Yeah, but what I was actually trying to say was… Yeah, yeah, but you said this, which means… If any of you are like, «That sounds exhausting,» you can pray for my wife. It is. But that’s one of those places where I am naturally inclined to pick fights, and it’s hard for me. But it’s good for our relationship when I can go, «You know what? She’s had a hard day. She’s tired. She’s upset about something,» or «She’s just not as picky about words as I am.» And so I’m being-what am I being? -I’m being considerate. And I’m going to let that go. I’m going to write it down in my diary that I did so we can… No, no, no! Considerate and submissive, going, «Hey, your needs matter more than my wants at this point.» That’s submissive. But we sum it up with that very simple relationship advice: good relationships are slow to pick fights.
And then he says good relationships are quick to give grace. He says they are full of mercy and good fruit. Withholding something bad that somebody deserves. Sometimes people hurt you. They do things that honestly you have every right to come against them for what they’ve done to you. But mercy says, «But I’m not going to do it. I’m going to withhold the bad that you deserve.» And then he says, «But they’re also full of good fruits,» which are things that we give. Mercy withholds what is bad when it’s deserved, but grace gives good fruit, good things even when they’re not deserved. That’s what grace is. That’s what the grace is that we call the gospel. That God loved us while we were yet sinners.
And Jesus died for us while we were yet sinners. And he offers us forgiveness and freedom, and a relationship with that foundational, critical relationship with God comes simply by saying, «God, I’ve sinned and I’m sorry. Jesus, thank you for dying for me. I know you rose from the dead, and I need that power in my life. So I’m going to follow you from here on out.» And you’re forgiven; you’re brought into a relationship with God. And that’s what we call grace. We don’t deserve it, but it’s the good fruit that we’re given because God loves us. And we’re called to do the same thing in our relationships. Good relationships are quick to give grace.
And then the fourth one is just this: good relationships keep short accounts. He says they are impartial and sincere. Impartial in the original Greek literally means undecided beforehand.
So it was used in a legal context. An impartial judge was one who said, «I don’t have an opinion. I haven’t issued a verdict because I haven’t heard all the facts yet, and I won’t issue a verdict until I’ve heard all the facts and considered them.» But if you come into a conversation and you’re already in judgment because of past experiences, you are not impartial. Good relationships begin with saying, " Yes, this might be similar to some things that happened in the past, but I’m not going to judge the present in light of the past.» Because if I judge the present in light of the past, I’m also going to poison the future of this relationship.
So we’re going to come into it fresh. We’re not going to do things like say words like " you always.» I wonder how many of us have ever said the words «you always.» How many of us would also know it’s never true? Maybe they did it a lot, but to say that «you always» assumes in the present something from the past that maybe isn’t even just, and it poisons the future of that relationship. So we’re going to let those things stay in the past. It’s sincere, and I love that because I think sometimes what happens is we have genuine conflict and we need to talk it out. We need to have a conflict. Sometimes conflict can actually be good if it leads to resolution, but sometimes we short-circuit the process because we’re not sincere.
So somebody will end up saying, «It’s fine. I’m fine,» when nobody’s fine. It’s not resolved. They’re not understood. We haven’t figured out who needs to own what and what the strategy is going forward on that issue. So we say, «It’s fine. Just let’s get it over with,» but it’s not sincere. Because of that, the account stays open and ends up taking and taking from the future of the relationship. But he says good relationships keep short accounts. They close the books after each and every conflict.
Now let’s just be real. How many of us would say this sounds like a lot of work? Come on, yeah. Here’s why it’s worth it. He says peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. You know what another word for a harvest of righteousness is? A legacy. Because a harvest and a legacy are the same in this respect: it’s something that you cultivate in the present and then you collect on in the future. Right? When you sow seed, you cultivate the ground and the seed, and then you collect the fruit later. Well, that’s what a legacy is. You cultivate it now and then collect it later.
And by the way, later doesn’t just have to be after you’ve died. You can create a legacy that you can enjoy in your relationships a month from now, a year from now, 10 years from now, or 50 years from now. Other people are going to be blessed by it even after your life on earth has ended. They’re going to continue to collect from what you have cultivated. He says you can grow a harvest of righteousness. And again, we have to keep it in context because we read «harvest of righteousness» like, «Oh, I’ve become so holy. I don’t have bad things. I don’t sin anymore, and I only do good, godly things.»
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he’s talking about relationships, and I think we miss this so often as Christians. But listen to me: righteousness is relational. Do you hear me? Righteousness is relational. Sometimes we think about like the monk, the Christian monk who goes off into the monastery and takes a vow of silence and a vow of aloneness, right, of isolation. He’s all by himself and just praying all day, every day, and he’s never talking to anybody. So we go, «Man, that guy is so righteous.» But that’s actually not what the Bible teaches righteousness looks like. The Bible teaches that righteousness is relational.