Craig Smith - Making Marriage Work
- Watch
- Donate
Well, hey, welcome back to week number two of our Legacy Lens series. As we said last week, this is really a relationship series because a legacy is not something we leave. It’s not the company, it’s not the possessions; it’s someone we love. So this is a conversation about relationships. Last week, we kind of set the stage for what is the necessary foundation for every kind of healthy relationship. And now, we’re going to start to talk about some specific relationships. To help you kind of orient yourself to the relationship we’re going to talk about today, I brought a picture.
Yeah, and that was 32 years ago. Um, the first thing you’re going to notice is, yes, I had hair. No, being married to Cluty is not why I am sporting the hairstyle that I am currently wearing; that was a genetic thing. I was looking at that picture, though, the other day, and I thought, if I could go back in time on that day, what would I tell myself? I realized there were two things I would tell myself.
Number one, I would tell myself that apart from following Jesus, this is the best decision you have ever made. Being married to Cla is, hands down, the best decision I’ve ever made outside of saying yes to following Jesus. However, the second thing I would tell myself is, but this is the hardest decision you have ever made. Anybody who’s married knows what I’m talking about. Marriage is really good; it’s really good. It’s so good, and sometimes it is so hard at the same time, right? It’s not an easy thing. So we’re going to talk today about what it looks like to engage in marriage in a way that makes it maybe a little more on the good side and a little less on the hard side. We’re not going to be able to get rid of all the hard stuff, but maybe we can help you through it a little bit.
By the way, I know that there are some people here today, and you’re married, and your marriage is going great. This is hopefully just going to be some good reminders of things you already know. Some of you are here today, and you’re married, but your marriage is not going great. My hope is that this is helpful to you and can make your marriage a little bit more what God intended it to be. Some of you are here today, and you’re not married, and you really wish you were married. This message is going to give you some clues about who you should be looking for because that’s a really important part of a marriage. I don’t know if you knew that, but it’s who you marry that matters a lot. Some of you are not married, and you don’t think you’re ever going to be married. I’m going to say a couple of things to you.
Number one, I’m going to say God might surprise you. So, it’s probably better to be prepared than not prepared. Number two, even if you don’t ever get married, I wonder, can we just by a showing of hands on all of our campuses, how many would say we know somebody who is married? Come on, hands up if you know somebody who’s married. Okay, that’s all of us. It’s good because here’s the thing: even if you’re not married and you never get married, you have people in your life who are married, and they may actually need your help. I don’t know if you’ve ever thought about that, but they may need your help. I have a friend who says that marriage is a duet in need of some great backup singers, and I think that’s really good. Okay?
And you might be one of the backup singers to help that marriage in your life be everything that it’s supposed to be. So, we’re going to talk about marriage in this relationship in a way that I think is going to be helpful to absolutely everybody here. Now, if you want to follow along, we’re going to be in John chapter 2 today. As I was praying about what passage I should look to that God would have me use to teach on marriage today, I felt like the Holy Spirit led me to a story that I have never used to teach on marriage. I’ve actually never heard it used to teach on marriage, which is really surprising to me because it’s at a wedding. I kind of came to this passage, and I felt like the Lord led me there. So, I said, «Hey, Jesus, what am I supposed to teach about marriage from this?» I was really surprised at how many things God showed me. I’m kind of excited to share a number of them with you today.
But John 2:1 starts off this way: It says, «On the third day, a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee.» On the third day-now if you know the story, then you may know this. If not, let me get you caught up. A little bit of a spoiler alert, okay? Jesus is about to perform his first public miracle. Okay, so this is a setup for Jesus’s first miracle. But it’s interesting that this first miracle starts off with the phrase «on the third day.»
The reason I say it’s interesting is because in the Bible, in the Gospels in particular-the stories that tell the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus — the phrase «the third day» was always used as a prediction about the resurrection. Jesus himself regularly would say things like, «Uh, yeah, hey, guys, just so you know, I’m going to die, and on the third day be raised to life.» He’d say, «Guys, I’m going to be taken away from you, but on the third day I’ll be returned to you.» Okay? So you have this consistent phrase where «on the third day» relates to the resurrection.
What we begin to see is that this is not just a setup for the first miracle; it’s actually a setup for his entire ministry that culminates in the resurrection. Understand that the resurrection is really about restoration. His life was restored, but Jesus came to restore everything in life to what it was intended to be in the first place. That’s the reason he came-to bring that resurrection power into play in every part of our lives. I think it’s very interesting that he begins that work at a wedding, and it tells us something about how important marriage is to God.
To understand why it’s so important, we have to go back to the very beginning of the Bible. When we go back to Genesis 1:1 and we see the description of God creating human beings, one of the first things we have to come to grips with is the idea that you and I were made for a mission. You might actually want to write that down: «I was made for a mission.» God created us for a mission. He didn’t create us because he was lonely. Okay? He didn’t create us because he thought, «Wow, we really could use some two-legged critters to balance out the four-legged ones.» No, he created us for a mission.
We’ll just summarize very quickly what we’ve taught on before-but when God created us for a mission, there are kind of three aspects of the mission. Human beings were made with a mission: number one, to manifest his presence. That’s what it means to be made in the image of God. An image was actually a physical thing that represented somebody who wasn’t physically present. We were made to manifest God’s presence in creation; that’s part of our mission. Number two, we were created to manage his creation. We were created to cultivate it, care for it, move it forward, and bring order to it. Okay?
So we were created to manage God’s creation. And then third, we were created to multiply his blessing. When God created human beings, the overview statement says, «God blessed them and said to them, 'Fill the earth, multiply and fill the earth.'» But he started with blessings. He blessed them and said, «Multiply.» Right? We were created to multiply God’s blessing upon the earth. So we’re created with this very significant mission. However, this is a mission that we can’t accomplish when we’re alone.
You see that in Genesis chapter 2. Genesis chapter 1 kind of gives us an overview, and then he zooms in and gives us more details about how the actual creation took place. He created Adam, and having created the man, the male, then verse 18 in chapter 2 in Genesis says, «The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'» And so he made Eve. And by the way, I know that in English, that word «helper» doesn’t sound awesome, right? It’s kind of a weak word. There’s really no good English equivalent. We hear the word «helper» and what we think about is when my girls were really young and they would ask if they could help with whatever project I was working on, right? And I was always dismayed. This is going to take so much longer because I love them, but they’re useless.
Now I’m going to be honest with you: I will say this, okay? Investing in them and letting them be a part of it was really good for them, and they grew up to be able to do all kinds of stuff. You know, my oldest daughter and her husband are renovating their house right now, and they learned a bunch of stuff in that process. Like when I finished my basement, my kids were teenagers, and they could help with drywall. I was really glad I had taken the time; but at the time, I wasn’t really looking forward to them being involved because they couldn’t do much of anything, and it took longer to get it done with them involved. Yet, you know, my wife would come out, and she would say, «Daddy’s little helpers,» and I was like, «Yeah, they’re not helping.»
So I hear the word «helper,» and I naturally think that, and maybe you do too. But what I want to make sure you understand is that that’s not what God is saying when He says, «It’s not good for the man to be alone; I will make a helper suitable for him.» The word that He uses, the Hebrew word, is «ezer.» And it’s a very powerful word. It basically means someone who makes possible what would otherwise be impossible. Do you hear me? It’s a much more powerful word than we have an English translation for. In fact, the word «ezer» is often used of God. God is our helper, and He’s definitely not Adam’s little helper. Can we just agree on that? It means " helper.»
There’s a hymn I grew up singing in church, and I remember one hymn in particular. It was my favorite hymn, actually; it’s probably still my favorite hymn. But it had a line I never understood: the hymn was «Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing.» And there’s a line in the hymn where it says, «Here I raise my Ebenezer.» Anybody know what I’m talking about? That’s a weird line because when you hear «Ebenezer,» what do you think of? Scrooge, right? And I was like, «Why are we raising-why are we hoisting frail, pale British men? What’s happening here?» Well, here’s the thing: «Ebenezer» is actually two Hebrew words. It’s «even,» which is «stone,» and «ezer,» which is «helper.»
It was a monument you first see in the Bible when the prophet Samuel put up a monument. He said, «This is to remember that God has been our help, that we only got here because He has helped us.» Right? You understand what I’m saying? The word is so much more profound when it’s used of God. When He uses it of women, it’s not just " Adam’s little helper,» okay? This is a person who makes possible what would otherwise be impossible. Okay? It’s profound. And so, it’s in marriage that we’re enabled to accomplish our mission.
Now let me be really clear about this: You don’t have to be married to fulfill your purpose. The fact that marriage is an important part of fulfilling your mission doesn’t mean that you have to be married to fulfill your purpose. You can live on mission with Jesus just as effectively. Sometimes, honestly, the New Testament says that if you are single, in some ways, you can actually be more effective at living on mission because there are some things you don’t have to worry about, so you can focus on living on mission. Okay?
So you don’t have to be married to fulfill your purpose, but it’s very clear that marriage matters to God. We find it in the first two chapters of the Bible, and then Jesus' first miracle was restoring marriage to what it was originally intended to be. Okay? So marriage matters to God. And by the way, I should probably say this: I’m not going after anybody, and I’m not being brave or anything like that, so you don’t need to applaud, but we’re a Bible-driven church.
And so I just want to be clear and say that because God invented marriage, He also gets to institute the rules for it. And the marriage that the Bible recognizes is only between a man and a woman. The Bible only recognizes marriage. No, no, don’t applaud. Don’t applaud. Because again, this is not antagonism. This is not me being brave. This is not me going after culture. But I want you to understand that in order to experience everything that God has for you, you have to know the truth. And this is the truth: marriage is between a man and a woman.
And I suppose again, because we live in the culture we live in, we have to acknowledge that it’s a biological man and a biological woman. And I’m deeply sympathetic to people who are wrestling with gender confusion. We live in a world that has made everything so incredibly difficult, and there is so much fear, so much confusion, and so much hurt. I’m fully aware of all that. But we help people when we are able to point them to truth. And the truth is that marriage matters to God and marriage is between a biological man and a biological woman. That’s God’s intention for it. And marriage-here’s what I want you to understand-marriage is intended to help you live on mission.
Marriage is intended to enable you to live on mission. It’s going to turn you into who God created you to be. And listen, I don’t want to brag, but I have made Claud a much better person. She is so much more forgiving after 32 years of marriage than she was when we got married because I’ve given her a lot of practice. She’s so much more patient than she was when we got married because I’ve given her a lot of practice. And so much of what I am, that is the right stuff, that is the God stuff, ultimately comes back to this marriage that God has gifted me with. Okay, marriage matters. It’s intended to allow us to live on mission.
So it’s not surprising that the first marriage, or the first miracle of Jesus, happened at the beginning of a wedding. And it says, verse two says, «Now Jesus’s mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding.» I love that Jesus’s disciples had also been invited to the wedding. By the way, that’s interesting-Mary had been invited, and Jesus almost feels like an afterthought, which I think is significant because sometimes even as Christians, getting Jesus invited can feel like a little bit of an afterthought. Like, «Oh yeah, yeah, I’m supposed to do that too,» right?
But here’s the thing: if you know the story, then you know that there’s going to be a problem at the wedding. Okay, something’s going to go horribly wrong. And if Jesus hadn’t been at the wedding, it would have been a disaster. Okay? And I think that’s really interesting-the fact that Jesus got invited saved the wedding. And can I just tell you that inviting Jesus into your marriage can save the marriage? But a lot of times, we’re slow on that one. Even as followers of Jesus, we’re slow on that one. So I’m going to say something super cheesy, okay? I just -this is a cheese alert, okay? I usually try to avoid these kinds of things, but I don’t know any other way to say it. You’re never going to forget it.
So here’s a big cheesy pastor saying: don’t forget to invite Jesus into your marriage. Because listen, if the wedding would have been a disaster if Jesus hadn’t been invited, how much more is the marriage going to be? 'Cause the wedding’s the easy part. Can I get an amen? The wedding’s a big party. How bad can it go? Some of you may have some stories; I don’t know. But if the wedding would have been a disaster if Jesus hadn’t been invited, how much worse is the marriage going to be? Because the marriage is where it gets hard.
So don’t forget to invite Jesus into your marriage. The older I get, the more I see the value of this. I mean, Clint and I did it on our wedding day. We had a moment; we stepped back and we lit a unity candle and we prayed, and we invited Jesus into our marriage. And I’ve discovered that that wasn’t a one-time thing. It’s not a one-and-done; it’s something we have to do on a regular basis together, but also individually.
I found that there are improvements in my marriage when I can remember things, like when I drive home and go into the driveway. I don’t do it every day, but when I remember, the evening is better. When I sit in the driveway for just a moment, I say, «Hey Jesus, would You enable me to show up for my wife in a way that blesses her tonight?» Or when we go out on a date, I say, «Hey Jesus, would You come and help me to be a blessing to my wife today?»
I invite Jesus into a vacation or a conversation that we need to have about a difficult topic. The more I invite Jesus in, the better things go. Don’t forget to invite Jesus into your marriage. Ideally, this is something both of you are doing — together and individually. But some of you may be here today thinking, «My spouse doesn’t follow Jesus. Maybe they have no interest in spiritual things. So what am I supposed to do?» Here’s good news for you-I think this is hopeful. One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the account of the paralyzed man who had friends that tried to get him to Jesus. They couldn’t enter through the door of the house, so they cut a hole in the ceiling and lowered him down.
I absolutely love their effort, but what I love most is that Jesus looked -not at the paralyzed man, though He knew what he needed -but at the friends who brought him there. Mark 2:5 says, «When Jesus saw their faith-not his faith, their faith-He said to the paralyzed man, 'Son, your sins are forgiven.' Then He said, 'Get up and walk.' And he did.» I love that! Their faith-can I just tell you your faith can be enough? Jesus will respond to your faith, even if your spouse doesn’t share that faith. You can invite Him in, and your faith can be enough.
Now, when the wine was gone, Jesus’s mother said to Him, «They have no more wine.» So they ran out of wine. Now, I grew up Baptist, and I was told this wasn’t really wine, because Southern Baptists would say you can’t ever drink. I thought, «Well, Jesus drank.» «Yeah, but that wasn’t wine; it was basically grape juice.» They claimed it wasn’t really fermented or alcoholic, that it had very minor alcohol content-just enough to make a wine cooler, if anything, right? But here’s the thing: that’s not true. It was wine.
There’s a reason why the Bible says, «Do not get drunk on wine.» It was possible because it was alcoholic. In those days, just like today, that’s a pretty traditional part of a wedding celebration, right? In the ancient world, if you ran out of wine or didn’t have wine at your wedding, it was a social disaster. It was incredibly embarrassing not to have wine for your guests. So what happened is they ran out of resources, and the cultural norm is to conceal that-try to get the servants running around to see if you can find some, but don’t admit that you don’t have what you need for your guests.
Do you understand what I’m saying? What Mary does is very countercultural. What she does is taboo. She goes to one of the guests-she apparently knows the family pretty well and is aware of the horror of the situation-and she approaches one of the guests, who happens to be her son, and says, " Hey, they’re out of wine.» So rather than concealing, she confesses that they don’t have what they need. I think that’s so powerful because we live in a culture that’s no different. Especially when it comes to marriage, the temptation is to pretend that we’ve got it all together, to pretend that we have everything we need, even when we don’t.
And can I just tell you something? There are going to be days in your marriage where you do not have what it takes. You may be there right now. It may be because you just got married, and it turns out the person you couldn’t live without is really hard to live with, and you’re out. Or maybe you have kids, right? And they take more than you ever thought. I just have a friend who just went to number three, and I was like, «Why are you — listen, man to man is so much easier than zone. What are you doing?» He’s like, «I don’t know what we were thinking, but we’re so tired.»
Maybe it’s a financial season you’re in. It’s a financial struggle. Maybe there’s a health crisis, or it’s an ongoing issue that you’ve been dealing with, and you’re just out of ideas and out of hope, but you’re out of resources. And the temptation in our culture is to conceal it rather than confessing it. But can I tell you something? That’s not going to work. And God is willing to give, but you have to ask. In fact, James says, «You do not have because you do not ask.» It’s not because God doesn’t care; it’s not because God is unwilling; it’s because He is uninvited.
And the number one reason that we do not ask God is that we do not want to confess that we are in need of what only God can provide. Sometimes, what God provides comes through other people, and we absolutely don’t want to confess to them that we need help. Right? And you heard Colin and Ashley talking about that story of the pastor who came to re-engage here at Mission Hills. He’d been concealing; he’d been pretending that they had it all together for the sake of their congregation because you can’t admit to your congregation that you have struggles. But when he finally got to that point where he couldn’t conceal this anymore, he had to confess this reality -that’s when hope started. Then they were able to get some help, and not only did it restore their marriage, but it’s spilling over, restoring marriages throughout their congregation.
Listen to me: hope starts with confession, not concealment. Write that down. It starts with confession, not concealment. I honestly feel like one of the entrance requirements for the re-engage ministry should be that you show up; you can sign up, but when you show up, they should stop you at the door and ask, «Why do you want in here?» The answer should be something along the lines of, «Because I’ve been an idiot in my relationship, and I don’t know what to do.» Welcome. Nobody wants to say that, though. But that’s ultimately what has to happen: «I need help because I don’t know what to do.»
And Mary goes to Jesus, breaking all kinds of cultural norms, but that’s the beginning of hope. And Jesus said to her, «Woman,» which I know sounds insulting. It’s not. In first-century Israel, that phrase «woman» is very much like «ma’am.» If you’re from the South- my parents were from the South, so I learned pretty early on to address women I didn’t know as «ma’am.» If I had said to my grandma, «Woman,» I would not be here today. But if I said «ma’am,» it was okay. This was the equivalent of «ma’am.» Okay, so «Woman, why do you involve me?» Jesus replied, «My hour has not yet come.»
And I’m going to be honest with you; I’m not 100% sure I know exactly what Jesus is getting at there. I’ve heard a lot of different people interpret it in different ways. Some people have said, «Well, he’s testing her faith.» I’ve heard other people say, «No, this is a testament to her faith,» that he didn’t even want to do this, but her faith was so strong he had to do it. I’m like, «Yeah, we could have a theological conversation about that; I’m not on board with that.»
I’ve heard people say that this is a testament to the power of persistence, that she kept persisting. And there is something to be said for persisting in faith. I don’t really know about any of those things. Here’s what I know for sure: Jesus is saying, " Hey mom, God’s got a timetable. I’m working off of my father’s timetable.» And what we need to understand is that whether we like it or not, God’s timing is not necessarily our timing. And I don’t know about you, but I have never once had the experience that God was moving too fast for me. God’s timing is almost always slower than what I wanted because he’s doing work that is deeper, more profound, more powerful, and more lasting than I was looking for.
But sometimes we have to come to this place where we go, «Okay, God’s timing is not my timing.» For years, when I would get ready to preach, I would walk it through with Kleta and get her feedback on it. For years, she had basically the same feedback, which was like, «It doesn’t have enough application. It’s good theology. It’s good exegesis. I learned a couple Greek words; that’s awesome! But what does it look like in life? What do I do with it?» For 20 years, that’s what she would say, and it made me so mad. My response for 20 years was, «That’s the job of the Holy Spirit, woman! The job of the Holy Spirit is to show them how to put it into practice. I’m just supposed to teach it. I teach the theology of it!»
About 10 years ago, I began to sense that there was something missing, and I realized one day what was missing in me-there wasn' t enough of " What does this look like?» I thought, «Oh man!» So I had to go to my wife and say, «What do you think that might look like? Give me some pictures. What could that look like?» I started to get it. Now it’s funny; sometimes people will come to me and say, «Hey, what I love about your messages is that it’s not only sound theology, but you’re helping me figure out how to put it into practice.» I always have to look around to see if Kleta is near. If she’s not, then I can go, «Thank you! I’m glad God’s using that.» But she waited 20 years-20 years!
Another thing- I used to use all the big words because I thought it made me more credible. I used to do messages where I’d talk about the ontological quality of the functional subordination of the members of the Godhead and the production of justification and sanctification. Kleta would call me on it, and I’d be like, «No, I’m trying to raise the congregation, putting the bar higher.» I don’t know what I was thinking. A couple years ago, we were listening to a preacher, and he was doing all that. I leaned over to Kleta and said, «What is his problem? Why doesn’t he take all that language — those truths are important? Why doesn’t he just put them down on the bottom shelf?» She looked at me and said, " Yeah, I don’t know what his problem is.» Oh, she had waited so long. God was using her in my life, but she waited a long time, right? But she never gave up.
God’s timing is not necessarily our timing. Sometimes what happens is we walk away because we’ve waited for so long that we don’t think it’s ever going to happen. So we walk away right before the very thing we’ve been waiting on is about to start producing fruit. Jesus says, «Listen, God’s timing is not necessarily your timing.» And his mother said to the servants, «Do whatever he tells you.» I love that -it’s not an expectation that he’s necessarily going to do anything.
«Whatever» includes even if he didn’t tell you anything, right? Submit to that. But she says, «Do whatever.» I love that because she’s not putting a limitation on the invitation, right? She invited him in, and now she’s like, «I’m not sure what this is going to look like, so whatever he tells you, do it.» I mean, she’s probably got an idea of what she’d like it to look like, right? More wine would be ideal in this scenario, right? But she says, «Do whatever he tells you.» And I think that’s so important because sometimes what happens is we’re willing to extend the invitation, «Jesus, would you come into this?» but we’ve got limitations on it: «But this is what I want it to look like. You need to do this, and if it starts looking like something else, then we’re like, 'Whoa, whoa, whoa! That’s not what I ordered! '»
Kleta and I know a lot of couples in pastoral ministry due to the work we do. We have the opportunity to coach and help them in various ways. Over the years, we’ve met a couple of couples where, when they got married, they weren’t both believers — she was a believer and he wasn’t. She was praying, «Jesus, would you come into my marriage? Jesus, would you come into my husband’s life? Jesus, would you make him the spiritual leader of my household?» Not only did he become a follower of Jesus, but then he said, «We’re being called into ministry.» And she was like, «No, we’re not! Jesus, that’s not what I ordered! I ordered it without pickles. Why are there pickles on this thing?» Right? «I don’t want to be a pastor’s wife. I don’t want to be in that fishbowl. I don’t want to do that.» Right now, their marriage is struggling, every bit as much as it was before he was a believer, because there were limitations on the invitation.
And I want to say to you, listen, don’t put limitations on the invitations. Understand you’re going to invite Jesus in, and He may or may not do exactly what you’re looking for. It’s going to be good, but your ability to recognize the goodness of it really depends on whether or not you are willing to forgo the limitations when you extend the invitation. Now, nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from 20 to 30 gallons. And Jesus said to the servants, «Fill the jars with water.» And so they filled them. It’s interesting. They’re not looking for water; they’re looking for what? They’re looking for wine.
Water, by the way, is a symbol of purification. In fact, he says the water jars were used for ceremonial cleansing as purification. Wine is used for celebration. They wanted celebration, not purification. But Jesus starts with purification. Purification comes before celebration, and that’s a really important principle: purification before celebration. Sometimes we have these desires in our marriage. We’re like, «I want my marriage to look like this, and I’ll be so, I’ll be so able to celebrate when we get to this,» but to get there, there may be something God needs to purify in you first. And our temptation is always to say, «Well, it’s my wife that needs to be purified; it’s my husband that needs to be purified of something.»
One of the things we say at Re-Engage here is stay in your circle, which means you can’t fix your spouse, but you can deal with yourself. You can invite God in to purify you of some things that maybe need to be moved out, and that’s a necessary precondition to any coming celebration. So let me ask you this question: what purification needs to happen in your life before you can get to the celebration you’re longing for? We’re going to look in the mirror; we’re going to deal with the plank in our eye, right? We talked about this a little bit last week instead of dealing with the speck in the other.
And I know you think it’s a plank in the other person’s eye, but maybe there’s something that needs to be purified. Maybe it’s what we talked about last week; maybe it’s selfishness. Maybe that’s something you realize you really struggle with, and you need to invite the Holy Spirit to purify you of it, to give you that humility that is the foundation for every good relationship. Or maybe it’s some other sin. Maybe it’s greed, or lust, or judgmentalism, or something else the Holy Spirit whispers to you right now in this moment. Or maybe it’s expectations. Maybe you need to be purified of some unrealistic expectations. I think there’s no bigger killer of joy in marriage than expectations. Unfortunately, we live in a culture that is built on constant comparison, right? That’s what social media is.
And so we see pictures of other people’s marriages, and we’re like, «Oh, they have such a great marriage.» No, they don’t. They’re just liars. They’re just good liars. They got the right picture, and they curated the moment and they threw it up there. And then what’s happening is you’re comparing what you know about your marriage to what you don’t know about theirs, and you’re unhappy because honestly, on some level, you have some unrealistic expectations. Like, I know this is a little bit cliché, but I still think it’s true.
Do I think men watch Marvel movies and then go, «I don’t know why my wife doesn’t dress and act and look like Scarlett Johansson»? And they’re like, «Because Scarlett Johansson doesn’t look, act, and dress like Scarlett. She’s got $ 100,000 worth of makeup and some CGI, and you have an unrealistic expectation.» And I’m an equal-opportunity offender. So ladies, you watch the Hallmark Channel and you’re like, «I just wish he would say to me the kinds of things that he said to her on that show.»
Like, he’s got a screenwriter, actually multiple screenwriters, and most of them are women. You may never get a birthday card that’s more than «Happy birthday! I love you.» And by the way, if you get more than that, celebrate it. But we have these expectations sometimes that we need to be purified of, right? It starts with the purification. And then he said to them, «Now draw some water out and take it to the master of the banquet.» And they did so. And the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. I think that’s so interesting. Jesus created wine; He knew how good it was, but the first thing He did is say, «Let’s get it taste-tested.»
I love that I was in Ohio years ago. We were doing a conference, and we had hauled trailers out to do this big event. I was unloading trailers, and Clutter was helping me. We had a team, and some friends of ours joined us, and they were kind of helping us. I was stressed, hot, and tired, and I was in Ohio, which is not my favorite place to be. I just-anybody from Ohio-yeah, okay, like people who have cats and people who are from Ohio, I just like to poke you sometimes. I love you, but I like to poke you sometimes. I wasn’t in a great mood, and quite honestly, I was a little sharp with Clutter.
Cla left, and my friend looked at me and said, «Dude, what was that?» I said, «What do you mean?» He said, «You were pretty harsh with her.» I had two immediate thoughts: number one, I thought you were my friend, and number two, I’m glad you’re my friend. He had the perspective, and quite honestly, because we had a long history together, he had the permission to taste test my marriage. He said, «This doesn’t taste great,» and he was right. I went and found her, and I apologized, and we were good-until I did it again the next time.
I think it’s so interesting that Jesus sent the wine to be taste tested because here’s the thing: we need people in our lives who have the perspective and the permission to taste test our marriages. We need the backup singers, whether they’re single or married. We need people in our lives, and that doesn’t come easy. It takes time to build that. Okay, but there is nothing more valuable, I think, apart from the Holy Spirit, than those people who have the permission and the perspective to taste test our marriages and speak into them.
Now, the master of ceremonies did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom and said, «Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink. But you have saved the best till now.» Which is how I know my Baptist upbringing was wrong. Too much to drink means they were a little bit drunk. The way this was normally done was you bring out the good wine before anybody’s drunk because they can tell the difference between good wine and bad wine. After they’ve had too much to drink, then you start giving them the cheap stuff because they’re too drunk to know. But the man says, «You reversed it. You flipped the script. You brought the best wine last.» And I think that’s such a powerful image because it’s also true of wine, by the way, isn’t it? Under the right conditions, wine gets better over time, doesn’t it? The best stuff comes later.
And this way, it’s supposed to be with marriage. Under the right conditions, marriage gets better over time. My first five years of marriage were good, but they were nothing compared to the last five years of my marriage. Under the right conditions, marriage gets better over time like a fine wine. So the question is, what are the right conditions? And the more important question is which of the conditions is God calling you to cultivate so that your marriage can get better over time? That’s the question for you today: what conditions do you need to cultivate this week?
We’ve seen five today. Let’s just hit them as a quick reminder. Maybe God’s telling you, «Listen, all of my strength is available to you, but you haven’t asked.» And so you need to cultivate the condition of Jesus being invited in. Maybe that’s something you’ve never done as a couple, and you need to do it. Maybe it’s something you don’t do as a couple, and you need to make it regular. Maybe it’s something you just need to start doing on a regular basis as an individual. Maybe that’s the condition you need to cultivate. Maybe it’s that patience thing -the waiting thing. One of the right conditions is that you’re willing to wait on God’s timing. You’re not going to walk out right before the very thing that God has been growing and birthing beneath the surface suddenly comes out and starts to bear fruit that you’ve been longing for. You’re willing to wait on God’s timing.
Some of you right now, the Holy Spirit’s speaking to you, and you’re recognizing you’ve been putting a limitation on the invitation. «God, I want you to move in my spouse, but it needs to look like this, and our family needs to keep doing this, and everything’s got to stay here. But if you could deal with this thing over here…» Maybe God wants to change absolutely everything in a way that you’re not looking for, and you need to stop putting the limitation on the invitation.
Can I just tell you something? The more limitations you put on the invitation, the less it’s an invitation. Maybe the condition is that you need to recognize that there is purification before celebration; that God is speaking to you about something that you need to let Him deal with in you first and stay in your circle. Or maybe, you realize you don’t have any taste testers. You don’t have any relationships with people who have the perspective and the permission to be able to taste test your marriage, to speak into it, and to bless you so that you can grow to be the blessing that you long to be, and that God created your marriage to be. What condition is God calling you to cultivate this week?
God, I want to pray Your blessing upon my friends. We know that You have created marriage so that we can live on mission. You’ve created marriage to be a lighthouse in the darkness; but sometimes the marriage itself is darker than we’d like it to be. It’s harder than we’d like it to be. And so, Holy Spirit, we invite You to speak to each one of us who is married right now about which of these conditions we need to focus on this week. And some of us are here today and we’re recognizing that we can’t invite Jesus into our marriage because we’ve never invited Him into our lives. If He’s not in our life, then how could I possibly open up my marriage to Him? And so you need to begin with that.
You’re not a follower of Jesus, and that’s your first condition to cultivate. You need to make a decision right now to put your faith in Jesus. And you can do it right now. Right now, you’re going to say to God, «God, I have sinned. I’m sorry; I don’t have what I need. I need You, Jesus. Thank You for dying on the cross to pay the price for my sin. I believe You rose from the dead, and I need Your resurrection power in my life and in my marriage. So Jesus, I’m putting my faith in You.» Amen.