Charles Stanley - How to Handle Conflict and Criticism Wisely
When you find yourself facing conflict and criticism, how do you feel? Do you feel insecure? Do you feel sad? Do you feel angry? Do you feel hurt down inside? Or do you feel guilty? What are your real feelings when all of a sudden you find yourself right in the midst of conflict and somebody's criticizing you? Well, how do you respond? Do you blame? Do you accuse? Do you want to just stuff it and act like it never happened? Are you willing to apologize?
Well, the truth is that conflict is a part of life. It's a part of life in every aspect and of our society. Whether it's in the home or whether it's on your job or whether it's in the school or whether it's among your friends, conflict and criticism and misunderstanding, it's always gonna be there at some place or the other in everybody's life. And so what we have to ask is not how can we escape it because we can't, but rather how do we deal with it? How do we handle it? How do we respond in the right way? Because often times there are misunderstandings, genuine misunderstandings.
Sometimes it's a matter of a difference of opinion. Sometimes two different people or a group of people have different perspectives on how things ought to be done or what they look like. But then sometimes it's envy and jealousy. Sometimes it's pride and power-hungry. And so there are all different kinds of reasons for people to have conflict. And often times it develops into criticism. Because usually when there's conflict, somebody's gonna start criticizing somebody else. When that happens, how do you feel? How do you respond? There is a right way, there is a wise way.
And I want us to look at that today in this passage in Philippians chapter one, beginning in verse twelve the Apostle Paul is in prison. And you would think that everybody in Rome who'd heard that he was in prison would certainly be there to cheer him on and to help him and to encourage him and to pray for him and to uplift him and, and to help him any way possible. But that was not the case.
And I want you to notice what he says beginning in verse twelve of this first chapter: "Now I want you to know, brethren, that my circumstances have turned out for the greater progress of the gospel, so that my imprisonment in the cause of Christ has become well-known throughout the whole praetorian guard and to everyone else, and most of the brethren, trusting in the Lord because of my imprisonment, have far more courage to speak the word of God without fear".
And what had happened was, he was in prison in Rome and each time they had a change of guards, naturally the Apostle Paul would be witnessing to them. Before long, it was throughout the whole praetorian guard that this Jewish fellow over here who's been an itinerant preacher of some sort, talking about a man named Jesus who rose from the dead, and the next thing you know the Apostle Paul finds out his greatest congregation, is a congregation one at a time of guards. And now the message of the truth of the gospel, it's all over the praetorian guard. So, he says, now, "and that most of the brethren trusting in the Lord because of my imprisonment have far more courage to speak the Word of God without fear".
That is, those on the outside. "Some, to be sure, are preaching Christ even from envy and strife, but some also," he says, "from good will; the latter do it out of love, knowing that I am appointed for the defense of the gospel". He says, "They know why I'm here. I've defended the gospel of Jesus Christ all over that world of their day. The latter do it out of love, knowing that I'm appointed for the defense of the gospel. The former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition, rather than from pure motives, thinking to cause me distress in my imprisonment. What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed; and in this I rejoice, yes, and I will rejoice".
Now when you look at that passage, you think, "Well, what does that have to do with criticism and praise"? Well, here's what's happening. The Apostle Paul was brought to Rome as a prisoner and there were those in Rome, in the church who were very much opposed to the Apostle Paul, two reasons. Number one, because of his emphasis on preaching the gospel to the Gentiles. They thought he should be preaching the gospel to the Jews only. And secondly, because of his emphasis on grace instead of law. Having a past Hebrew background they thought that his emphasis should be on the law, but he was preaching the grace of God.
And for those two reasons they were having some real theological conflict and there was criticism. And also, there was envy because the Apostle Paul was known everywhere in his day among the church. And those who were in Rome were a little bit jealous and envious because of his popularity, and people always talking about him. And so, he shows up in Rome as a prisoner and instead of it being a time of great healing or a time of unity, it became a point of conflict. And it wasn't something the Apostle Paul did, it was just the fact that he was there. Have you ever been in those kind of situations when for some reason, not anything that you particularly did, there was conflict?
And next thing you knew you were the object of somebody's criticism. How do you handle that kind of conflict and that kind of criticism? Well, that's what I want to talk about in this passage. Because all of us have to, have to figure out how to handle this. How do you handle it when somebody begins to criticize you and there's just tremendous conflict between you when it's something that you didn't purposely do or you may not even know why it's happening. But it's there and you have to deal with it.
So how do you deal with it? Well, let me say first of all that all conflict is not sin. There is conflict that's not sin. For example, when I think about two great, great servants of God, John Wesley and George Whitfield, back in the early days of our nation, when both of these men, giants of preachers. Preaching to multitudes of people, thousands of people being saved under each one of their preaching. And so one day a man said to John Wesley, he said, "Do you think that you will see George Whitfield in heaven"? He said, "No, I do not". He said, "You mean to tell me that you don't believe he's a converted man"? He said, "I do not believe that I will see him in heaven because he's gonna be so close to the throne, and I'm gonna be so far away, I'll never see him".
Now, here are two men who were equal in their abilities and talents and gifts. There was conflict between them. Doctrinally they did not agree, but there was no accusations and no criticisms. They did nothing to try to hinder each other's ministry. So, there can be conflict, there can be disagreement. There can be a different viewpoint of things without having real intense conflict motivated by jealousy, envy, power and prestige and popularity and all the rest. So the question is, how do we deal with these things? Well, one of the most important things is this. And that is to discover the cause of the conflict. So let's think about that for a moment. Discovering first of all the cause of the conflict.
If you are in conflict with someone today, if there's real criticism going back and forth between you, ask yourself the question, what's the cause? What is the real cause? Is it something within me that was there before I ever met this person? Is it because of something I said? Is it the way I said it? Did I trigger something in that person that I did not mean to trigger? Because I didn't even know it was there. Or have I wronged them, hurt their feelings in some way? Have I overlooked them in a way? Have I failed to meet a need that they felt that I should meet that I knew about that I did not? You see, the truth is whenever there is conflict and there is criticism, we want to have the spirit of humility. So, to identify the cause is very, very important if there's gonna be healing.
Now, let's look for just a moment, and I want to give you a list of about nine things. And the reason I give you a list is because that makes it simpler for you to understand. Every single one of these are important. Every one of them. How do we handle conflict? Now listen. Whether we caused it or whether someone else caused it, that's not even the issue. Because often times it'll be either way and sometimes it can be both sides.
The question is, how do we handle this? You're thinking about maybe somebody that you love, deeply love, but there's, but there's conflict between you. And somehow it just keeps on, it just stays there. And you'd like to erase it and get away from it and you've given in, given in, given in, given in. It's still there. Giving in isn't necessarily the way to handle conflict. And denying it's there and acting like it's not there. And just forgiving and forgiving and forgiving and forgiving but you haven't forgotten and you haven't dealt with it. That's not the issue. The issue is how do we handle it?
So, let's think about these things and I want you to jot them down. Number one, when conflict arises between you and someone else, and there's criticism, or whether it's there or not, you maintain a quiet spirit. You maintain a quiet spirit. This is what the Apostle Paul did. No sharp outburst, no quick defense of yourself or maybe no defense at all. But first of all, a very quiet spirit. Very important, that you don't jump up and have a fit, and throw a fit, and have a big pity-party, and berate everybody around you because of something's going on. You maintain a quiet spirit.
You say, "Well sometime..." And I hear people say, "Well, you know what? I just have a temper and that's the way God made me". Wrong. God did not make you with a short fuse. You cannot blame and you cannot excuse and you cannot justify your reaction on the basis of your short fuse. Because the truth is if you have such a short fuse, get you a longer fuse. Because that is not acceptable. And as a believer, it's absolutely unacceptable and absolutely, listen, it is an attempt to justify something that's not right. Maintain a quiet spirit? Yes, you can. I'll talk about how in a few moments. Maintain a quiet spirit, number one.
Number two, make no attempt to defend yourself immediately. Now I didn't say that there wouldn't be occasions where you have to defend yourself. But don't do it immediately. Let all the criticism and all the furor, let it get by. Don't defend yourself immediately. You may be forced by the circumstance, to defend yourself in some situations. And sometimes I would never say don't ever. But be sure that you let all the fire go by first.
Number three, listen to this carefully, Ask the Holy Spirit to put a seal upon your lips and a guard at your mouth. And that's exactly, I want you to get this scripture down. Luke twelve, twelve; write that down. The Bible says, "The Holy Spirit will teach you in" the same "hour what you ought to say". And I believe He will also tell you to shut up when that's what needs to happen. He says the Holy Spirit will teach you in the same hour what you ought to say. Hundred and forty-first Psalm, the third verse, David says, "Oh Lord, put a seal upon my lips and a guard at my mouth". There are times when we don't need to say anything. So, we want to be sure we maintain a quiet spirit, no attempt to defend ourselves, the Holy Spirit put a seal upon our lips.
And number four: ask the Holy Spirit who lives within you who gives discernment to give you the discernment to understand what's happening. What's happening? All of us have suddenly found ourselves in conflict and we thought, "Where did that come from? What did I say? What happened"? It may not be anything that you said. It may be something going on in the other person, but it also may be something that you and I said or we did. So we ask the Holy Spirit to give us discernment to understand what's going on. What's really happening in this situation?
Number five, very important but sometimes difficult. No matter what the circumstance, what the conflict may be, view it as coming from God. You say, "Up, up, up, up, up, now wait a minute! Haven't I heard you say that God doesn't cause sin"? Right. That God doesn't cause these things. I didn't say view it as God sending it, I said view it as God, as it is coming from God. Now what do I mean by that? Is that a contradiction? No. Here's the reason I say that. If I get my focus on the person who's causing this, and that's where my focus is, I'm gonna have a greater tendency to want to talk, want to blame, want to accuse, and want to justify my accusations.
But if I'm saying, "Father, I'm gonna see this as coming from You. Because the truth is he or she could not have done this, created this circumstance, caused this conflict unless for some reason You allowed it to happen. Therefore, because You allowed it, I'm gonna look for something good in it that's gonna profit me because I do believe what You said in Romans eight, twenty-eight. That You're causing all things to work together for good to those who love You and are called by Your purpose. And so, I'm going to look to You. I'm gonna see this as coming from You and You could stop it if You choose. You didn't. So therefore, You have allowed it and so what I want to know is, how can I learn and what's Your purpose for this". I'll tell you what that'll do. If somebody has jabbed you really hard, I mean really stuck it to you bad.
And I mean everything in you just absolutely wants to just come back with vengeance on them. It's hard to have that feeling when you're talking to God and you're saying, "Lord, I'm viewing this as coming from You". You know what happens? No matter what they've done to you, it's like God just dulls down the pain and dulls down the sharpness, and you don't feel that way anymore. Very important we see it's coming from God. Not that He caused it, not that He sent it; but since He is in control of our lives, does He not say He sits upon His throne, and he rules over all. He could stop it if he wanted too. He didn't, He allowed it, so I'm either gonna suffer from it or I'm gonna benefit by it. That's a choice I make according to my attitude and my response.
Then number six, this is a tough one sometimes: ask the Holy Spirit to show you, is this my fault? If it is, He will. Sometimes He may have to work at getting it through to us. Yes, that's your fault. Yes, you are the cause of this conflict. Yes, it's something you said. Yes, it's something you did. Now when that's the case, what should our response be? Admit it to the other person if there's one person involved or more. Admit it. Ask for forgiveness for whatever you did. And then make a commitment to correct your conduct or what you said.
If we've been wrong, we have to say, "I'm sorry. I apologize. I want to ask you to forgive me for this. It will not happen again. And any suggestion that you could give me, I would be more than happy to listen to it because I want to be everything God wants me to be". That's a very important step because that is the step of humility. What we're saying is, "I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. I want you to forgive me. I'm asking in genuine sincerity".
That kind of humility will take you a long ways in life. Then for example, when you think about how to handle and what you should be able to do and how to deal with it from their perspective and you've asked them to forgive you and they have forgiven you or maybe they haven't. But you know what? It doesn't make any difference whether they forgive you or not. The issue is you have done what you need to do.
Then, the next step is number seven. Forgive the person for whatever happened. If they wronged you, it doesn't make... they may have wronged you and they caused the conflict and they're doing the criticizing. You forgive them no matter what. You say, "But there are some things you just can't forgive people for". Like what? Right.
Let me ask you this. Is there anything that you and I have ever done that the Lord Jesus Christ would not forgive us for? No. Have you ever come to Him and said, "Lord, I'm sorry, I've made a mess of things, I'm asking You to forgive me". And God say, "No! No more forgiveness"! No. What did He say? He says, "He that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out". If we confess our sins, He's faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. And how many times did He say you and I are to forgive our brother?
Well, Peter thought it was a big deal at seven times. No. Not even seventy times. Seventy times seven. Does that mean four hundred and ninety-first time you have had it for sure? No. He means endlessly. We keep on forgiving. Does that mean that you just give up and quit and you don't try to make things different, make things right? No. But it means that you and I do not have the right. We do not have the privilege as the children of God to ever refuse forgiveness to anyone who wrongs us, whether they ask for it or not. Somebody says, "Well, I'm just waiting. I'm willing to forgive but they gotta come to me, get on their knees and maybe, they got to do the following ten things before I forgive them".
Let me ask you this. What did Jesus require of you before He forgave you, besides just confessing the fact that you needed forgiveness? What's the first thing He required? Right. He's willing to forgive. Now, He may require of us to make restitutions for wrongs we've done. He may require of us to go and ask for forgiveness when we have wronged someone else. But will He refuse to forgive us just on the basis that we have to do twenty-five different things in order to merit and deserve forgiveness? No.
So, let's put it this way. If Jesus Christ will forgive me for everything, no matter what, what right do I have to hold anybody in an unforgiving state? I don't have that right. He said in Ephesians chapter four, the thirty-first and thirty-second verses, "Be ye kind one to another, tender-hearted". Listen to that, tender-hearted. "Forgiving one another, even as God through Christ Jesus has forgiven you and me". Forgiveness is absolutely essential, lest I suffer the terrible consequences of an unforgiving spirit, like becoming bitter, living in bondage, placing myself in a position where my relationships with other people who have either wronged me nor have I wronged. Those relationships will finally deteriorate.
The consequences of an unforgiving spirit are many. Every single one of which is damaging. Not a one of which can I justify by any means. I want to encourage you, if there's anybody in your life, when you turn three hundred and sixty degrees in your life today, and somebody pops up on the radar over here, beep here and beep here and beep over here, people with whom you have conflict and you have an unforgiving spirit, listen carefully. As long as there's a beep on your radar, you're not gonna have a peace in your heart. It will not be there. I cannot hold an unforgiving spirit and have peace and joy and real genuine happiness in my life, nor can you. And so, forgiveness is absolutely essential.
Number eight, look beyond, listen, look beyond the conflict. Look beyond the criticism. Look beyond and ask the question, how can I avoid this the next time? What can I do for this person to help them understand that I love them, that I care? What can I do, what can I do beyond this instance so that that person will understand that there's a different way, a better way of handling things like this? You see, what happens when conflict arises and criticism comes like a storm. We get all enmeshed in it. We have to look, we have to look beyond that to see what is God up to? How can I help this person? What does God want to teach me in this? We look beyond it. Listen, don't let yourself get stuck in it. Because what it does, it paralyzes you. And once it paralyzes you, it's very difficult to get out without sometime somebody helping you. So, we're gonna look beyond it.
And then number nine, we're gonna take advantage of the conflict in order to do two things. We're gonna learn from it. We're gonna ask God to help us to learn from this. How this person thinks or how people think. Why people act the way they do. What is it that causes people to respond the way they respond? We're gonna learn something. We're gonna learn something about how people respond. We're gonna learn something about ourselves. Am I as godly as I thought I was? Can I really and truly maintain quietness? Can I really love my enemies? Can I really and truly genuine pray for this person? Deep down inside do I want to retaliate?
I'm gonna learn something. And secondly, very important, it is an opportunity not only to learn something, but it is a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate the life of Christ by the way we respond to conflict and to criticism. And you see, we never know when that person who is unsaved, who watches our response, that may be the most powerful weapon the Holy Spirit has to penetrate that heart and help them to understand that our Christian faith is real. Our Christian faith works. Our Christian faith makes it possible for us to face conflict and listen to criticism and to stand face-to-face with difficulty, hardship, trial, pain, criticism, ridicule, and still smile, still have a peace, still have joy in our heart no matter what and no matter how long. Awesome testimony of the reality of our Christian faith.
Now, you may have listened to all this and said, "There is no way I'm going to forgive. There is no way I can do thus and so". Well, I agree with you. You can't. If you've never trusted Jesus Christ as your Savior, listen carefully. You know that all you have is your human responses. All you have is your natural, fleshly humanness, what any human can do. But once you trust the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, you know what happens? Once you ask Him to forgive you of your sin, once you tell Him that you do believe the testimony of scripture, that Jesus Christ came into this world, the virgin-born Son of God, went to the cross of Calvary. And when He did, He paid our sin-debt in full in His death.
And that makes it possible for you to ask for forgiveness of your sin, and your sin be absolutely totally and completely forgiven forever and ever and ever. Because what washes away your sinfulness, washes away your penalty is the blood of Jesus Christ at Calvary. And the moment you ask Him to forgive you and to save you, He forgives you, He cleanses you, He makes you one of His children. He inhabits you in the presence of the Holy Spirit who is a person of the Godhead. And the Holy Spirit is the one who enables us and equips us and strengthens us and energizes us and motivates us and enables us to love and to forgive and to be the persons God wants us to be. And if you're willing to trust Him as your personal Savior, God will enable you to deal with conflict and criticism.
Now listen to this one last statement. The most important conflict in your life today, if you have never trusted Jesus Christ, is your conflict with Almighty God. He says He created you to be His own. He created you for a purpose. He wants to live in you and through you, and to accomplish things in and through you. And to draw you into an intimate, personal relationship with Him that'll make your life absolutely unbelievable. But because you have decided you're gonna live your life without Him, you're gonna bear the weight of your own sin, you're gonna have it your way, you and God are in great conflict.
Now listen carefully. Unless you accept His Son, Jesus Christ, as your personal Savior, you're going to die and you're going to lose this conflict. You cannot win it. You're fighting against the Almighty God who is the creator of this universe. Who has demonstrated unconditional love in a way that's unequal by any event in human history. And that is by sending His only begotten Son, Jesus, to die for your sin. You're going to lose, and here's what you're gonna lose. You're gonna lose heaven as your home. You're gonna lose everything in this life. You're going to lose your eternal destiny that was prescribed by God for you, a life of eternal bliss with Him in heaven.
Serving Him forever and ever and ever in an absolute perfect, wonderful, indescribable, inestimable, relationship with the Son of God, Himself. You're gonna lose it all. You cannot win. Only rebellion within you, defiance within you will keep you in hostility before God. You can't win, but you can win if you'll trust Him as your personal Savior and tell Him today, "I want to be saved. I want this war between us, God, this conflict, I want it over today. I give up and I surrender".
And you know what happens? When you surrender to Him, you win! You win eternally when you surrender your life to Him. And that's my prayer. And it can be yours simply by praying in your own words, "Lord, forgive me of my sins. I've fought You long enough. I want to give up this battle. I don't want any more conflict between us. By the power of the Holy Spirit that I just heard about, I'm gonna trust to live my life for You all the days of my life". And my friend, you will have discovered life at its very best.
And Father, how grateful that You win. Thank God You won in my life. Thank God for all the millions and millions of people, all of us had conflict with You and You won us. We bless You and praise You and worship You and adore You for Your patience and your long-suffering and Your forgiveness. And I pray today that every single person who hears this message, no matter what language they hear it in, it will penetrate the depths of their heart and they will throw up the white flag of surrender. The conflict is over, I'm trusting Jesus Christ as my personal Savior, is my prayer, in Jesus's name, amen.