Bill Johnson - Breaking the Bread of My Soul
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, wow! Well, I have no jokes today. You know, I could find them if I needed to, but I wasn’t in the mood. It’s so good to be here; it’s such an incredible privilege to have such a large family. You know, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks. I’m just glad for the privilege to be with family and friends. I found out during the COVID thing that I was addicted to people, and that addiction has only gotten worse. So, you will never get rid of me! I’m thankful for the privilege of this morning as well; I did not want to miss this. I also knew I could not do this four times, so this is the only time I show up today. Other than that, I’m gonna get raptured right when this is over, and I will not be around to clean up any mess that I make.
The backslider in heart will always judge God by what He didn’t do, but those who run with tenderness for who He is will always define Him by what He has said, by what He’s promised, and by what He’s done. To be as honest as I know how to be, I’ve seen too much of His kindness to think anything other than that He is absolutely good—always, always good. We don’t get to choose things like, «I don’t want to experience any pain.» You know, that’s not an option we have; we’re doing life. In fact, let’s be really honest: He says things like rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and everything give thanks. Those verses are completely useless unless you’re going to experience loss and disappointment. I mean, nobody needs to be taught to rejoice if everything works the way you want it to work. Right? It’s pointless.
His nature is defined by promise, by His history, His testimony, and that’s what we build theology around—that’s who He is. But what about loss? That’s the mystery that we have the privilege of carrying. The level of revelation God gives you will always be equal to the measure of mystery you’re willing to live with. The inability to live with mystery is your resistance to childlikeness. It’s childlikeness that actually gives us access to dimensions and realms of the kingdom that you can’t access in any other way. There are certain things that He has hidden in the journey. For example, several years ago, I discovered something about this: in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil because You are with me. And what I found was that there are measures of His presence you can only find in the valley of the shadow of death.
We say we love presence, and we do; we’re a people that gather to celebrate and honor who He is and thrive on just that presence of the Spirit of God, who is always with us. There is no greater treasure than Him; there never will be. Heaven itself is Him, and yet there are aspects of presence you can only find in the valley of the shadow of death. It’s only in darkness—in the darkness of soul, in the trial of not knowing what’s going on and doing everything you know to do, and having things not work out as you think they should. He’s not a vending machine. You know, I don’t get to put a quarter in and get out what I want. It’s a relational journey.
I’ve experienced His kindness and His miracles at a level that I could never earn or deserve, and I just don’t have the right to reevaluate what He’s like because I’ve experienced loss. It doesn’t work that way. It just doesn’t work that way. Everybody in the room has experienced this, so I don’t stand here as the only guy who’s experienced pain. I understand that—I do life with you, and we’ve wept together and laughed together, and I get that. But I just want to tell you that God gives us these special moments, these opportunities to grow down, to become more childlike. It’s the simplicity of faith that just trusts Him no matter what. It’s the simplicity of childlikeness that just says, «You know what? He knows what’s happening; I don’t, and I’m going to trust Him. I’m going to trust Him.»
I don’t want my «why» to ever take me away from Him. I don’t want to be the one who critiques God. He critiques me; I want to keep aware of that. None of us would choose loss, pain, disappointment, or any of that stuff. I get that; none of us would ever choose that for ourselves. We wouldn’t choose this for our biggest enemy—I mean, you just wouldn’t do that. It’s not something that any of us would gravitate toward, and yet we don’t have options at times.
So, what am I going to do? Is God my friend? Yeah, but He was my Lord before He was my friend. My friendship with God can only go where His lordship has already been. I can’t enter into a friendship with God where I haven’t gone in lordship, and one of the things that has been so valuable for us through the years has been the realization, which I discovered quite accidentally when my dad died. Many of you have heard me share the story, but when he died, I was faced with learning something I had never known at that level before, and it was this: I had just experienced loss, and the disappointment is huge; the pain is enormous. The questions, the «what ifs,» all of the stuff—you know, but all of that pain, that discomfort, those questions, all the stuff, I’ll never have any of that in heaven. I’ll never have that; I will be a worshiper for all of eternity. I will glorify Him for all of eternity. I will bow before the Lamb on the throne for all of eternity. I will declare His wonders; I will celebrate His greatness, His grace, and His kindness for all of eternity. But I’ll never have the chance to do it with pain. That’s only in this life.
I want to give Him the most priceless gift I can give Him, and that is joy in loss—that is celebration in pain. That is giving up my right to understand. He gives the peace that passes understanding, which means I have to give up my right to understand in order to enjoy the peace that He has purposed to give me. We’re in that place. Some of you have your own stuff going on in your life where this becomes a very painful process, but what we do is we just give Him thanks.
This morning, goodness, it’s so wonderful to be with you and our online family and to be able to celebrate the goodness of God. It’s not forced; it’s not hard to do once you’ve tasted. Once you’ve tasted, you never forget the taste of His kindness, and it puts everything else in perspective—everything. So, the privilege to just offer Him celebration and praise almost sounds contradictory, and for some, it would sound forced. But to honor Him as being the healer when you’ve just lost somebody you love through disease—it’s not fake; it’s not hype; this is who He is, this is who He is.
Well, why did this happen? I don’t know. He doesn’t work for me; I work for Him. He never owes me an explanation; often He gives one, but He doesn’t owe me one. I owe Him every day of my life; I am indebted to Him. So, the privilege of lifting hands and voice, even in the midst of tears— I remember my aunt, who is now in heaven, Helen. I remember her saying once that laughter with tears makes a beautiful rainbow. I don’t understand it, but I like it, so I’m just gonna do it. I’m just gonna make sure that I laugh while I’m crying my head off, you know?
And just, oh, you’re a nice guy. Do you have any more boxes of this? I need to take some of these home. Thank you! We have to grab our moments. You know, we get certain moments in life that we never get back again. They come once, and then they’re gone, and I never have a chance to steward that moment again. I get one crack at it, and to take the moment of greatest pain or the greatest loss or the greatest confusion or whatever and just grab it and determine I’m going to do the best I can to give Him an offering that costs me—that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give Him an offering that costs me something. I’m going to give Him a sacrifice that I’ll never have a chance to give Him again. I get one chance at this painful moment.
In many ways, I feel like the richest guy on the planet because I get to do this with you. I get to do this; I have so much of my family down here. We’ve been together hour after hour after hour, day after day after day. Some of them moved in with me; they did. They’re everywhere—wherever there’s a couch, there’s a body. It’s just been the coolest thing just to know you don’t have to do stuff by yourself, you know?
And then, I’ve had so many on our team who have rallied around us, and it’s just priceless. It’s priceless! I am thankful. There are some things you can only find in the valley of the shadow of death, and there are some aspects of the kingdom you can only find through childlike trust. You can try as hard as you want to be as smart as you can be, but you can only access it through childlike trust. To do that, you have to embrace mystery. There are certain things that just open up; they only open up in childlike trust.
I want to read Scripture to you. I’ve got two clocks up there, and I’m not sure how long this one ends–12:15, I think. So, I actually do have a half hour. Oh goodness, that’s enough time to make you miserable—that’s awesome! I want to share something that, for me, is a life-giving perspective on truth. Here’s the deal: mourning is biblical—not tomorrow morning, the weeping kind of mourning. It’s not smart to avoid mourning when you have lost. It’s not a good thing to do because you can end up getting stuff going on inside that you just can’t manage well, and mourning is just—mourning with family, with friends; you know, in some way, get before God and mourn.
Good mourning! Because there are two options in mourning: mourning will either take you to the Comforter, into the presence of the Holy Spirit, or it will take you to unbelief. There are only two options! «Blessed are those who mourn"—it’s Matthew 5, verse 4—"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.» Mourning can take me into presence to experience what I don’t understand, and it’s important because most of the time, when we experience loss or whatever, answers won’t fix the problem; presence will.
So, God shows up and says, «This happened for this reason, this reason, and this reason.» Still, I hurt; that doesn’t fix anything. What I need is Him. I need Him to come near enough that everything that’s out of sorts in me somehow finds its place, and there’s peace there. It doesn’t mean I have every question answered; it just means that I’m being inundated with the Spirit of God, who has promised to never, ever leave me. In that presence, there is comfort; it’s almost like I find my place. I don’t know what’s going on, but I have a place in presence that is irrevocable.
This is forever, and you only find that measure in mourning. So, there’s mourning that leads you to the Comforter, but in Mark 16, we’ve studied this a number of times through the years, but I keep going back to it for my own sake. In Mark 16, Mary Magdalene, in verse 10, went and told those who had been with Him, the disciples, as they mourned and wept. Mary Magdalene had seen the resurrected Christ, and she ran to the disciples and said, «He’s alive!» And she said it while they were mourning and weeping.
Remember, mourning can take you into presence, or it can take you where these guys went. It says when they heard it—that He was alive and had been seen by her—they did not believe. After that, He appeared in another form to two of them as they walked and went into the country—the whole road to Emmaus story. They went and told it to the rest, but they didn’t believe them either. What happened here? We’ve got the wrong kind of mourning, and I hope to define the right kind of mourning next week.
He says, after that, He appeared in another form to two of them as they walked and went into the country, and they went and told it to the rest, but they didn’t believe them either. Later, He appeared to the eleven as they sat at the table, and He rebuked their unbelief and hardness of heart because they did not believe those who had seen Him after He had risen. You’ve got to see this!
Here’s Mary Magdalene; she sees Him; she has a story to tell. That’s not just to appease their curiosity. There’s a story that when it’s spoken releases the presence of the person she’s talking about. So, there is a witness—there is an experience to be had in God in the story, but their mourning disqualified them. Their mourning was like a dislocated arm or something; they were so disjointed that they couldn’t respond or receive the gift of God that He brought into their life in that moment. He actually sent a woman with a gift, and they could not benefit from the gift because of the mourning. And then, He sent two more, and the same thing happened. So, He rebuked them because they didn’t believe the story.
Let me rephrase it: He rebuked them because they didn’t believe the experience of another person. How could He require them to believe the experience of another person? Because in the telling of the experience, a person becomes manifest. They were so blinded by their mourning that they couldn’t recognize who just came into the room—the person they’ve been talking about.
In the story of the two guys on the road to Emmaus, as they talked, it was read this morning that when He broke the bread, their eyes were opened, and they began to tell the disciples, «This is what we just had happen!» And that person came into the room, but not one of them recognized Him when He showed up because of mourning.
So you’ve got a mourning that leads you to Him. We have a mourning that leads us to resistance against the God who is actually speaking and reaching out to us, bringing us the gift of life, encouragement, and strength. In this journey that I’m in right now, I found language for this that I never knew. I didn’t understand this, and it’s in 1 Thessalonians 4.
You guys all right? Thanks! I’m trying to break the bread of my own soul in this moment and see if we can get somewhere. So, alright—1 Thessalonians 4, verse 13. I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. Lest you sorrow as others— that word there, sorrow, is grieving, mourning, lamenting; that’s what the word means.
So think through this with me. He says, «I don’t want you to mourn like those who have no hope.» That gives us a clue—biblical mourning must be enhanced with hope, or it will lead to unbelief. That’s it. There’s got to be something more than the hellish moment that you’re in right now. There’s got to be something on the other side. See, this was such a critical part of the kingdom reality that even Jesus endured the cross because of the hope—the joy that was set before Him. There was hope on the other side, and because of that, Jesus could endure the most horrific thing any person has ever endured. It was for that.
Here He comes, and He says you’ll never be overtaken by a situation if you have hope. It will never master you; it will never control you; it will never destroy you; it will never govern you; it will never redefine you. None of those things will ever have a voice or impact on your soul if you maintain hope. And biblical hope is different than the kind of hope that exists in culture. In culture, hope is kind of like a wish, «I hope that happens.» But the biblical word for hope—my favorite translation, if you will, of the word hope—is the joyful anticipation of good. So, biblical hope is a faith-filled moment of joyful expectation; that’s what hope is. It’s maintaining that. If you don’t have hope, you haven’t been reading His love letter to you. And if you’ve been reading it and you can’t find reasons to hope, I don’t know what to tell you.
There are no other options—there’s not another book. It might be that you’ve been reading the Word, and the Word has not been reading you, because when we come before Him, I only leave moments with Him with significant change in the measure I came to Him in surrender. Surrender measures everything. If I praise Him without surrender, I was just making a business deal. «I’ll do this for you; you do this for me.»
Every part of this journey is the great privilege of surrender. Great faith, as we’ve said so many times, doesn’t come from striving; it comes from surrender. Here’s what I want to end with—two thoughts. I want you to look with me at Hebrews, chapter 12. I’m going to read to you, verse 1.
«Therefore, we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.» Look at this again: «Since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.»
You remember the verse that says, «Death, where is your sting?» No one who is conscious of eternity can find the sting in death. Eternity has already started. The One who lives forever—the resurrected Christ, the resurrected King—dwells inside of every born-again believer, and there is this ongoing journey and taste of eternity.
This passage says, «Since we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses.» What is the cloud of witnesses? Chapter 11 was the heroes of faith. So He says, «Since we are surrounded by those who have gone before us and are now forever with the Lord, those heroes of faith, we are to live a certain way: holiness and endurance—holiness and endurance.» So what does that tell me? It tells me my passion for holiness and my longevity—my ability to endure difficult situations—is usually equal to my awareness of eternity.
Being conscious of, you know, what this life— the ups, the downs, the trials, the difficulties, the successes—all the stuff that just makes up life here on planet earth—all those things take on definition in the measure I live aware of eternity. The cloud of witnesses—Chris always gives such an amazing illustration with the runners—the relay race! You’ve got four guys or gals running this relay race, and they pass the baton. When the first person is through with their part of the relay race, they don’t go in and take a shower; they stay on the field to see what the next person does and what the next person does, and what the final person does.
Everybody in the relay receives a prize according to how the last guy finished. Well, guess what? The stands of heaven are filled with those who have gone before us to see what we’re going to do with what we’ve been given, because they receive a prize. This is biblical—they receive a prize according to how we finish! That’s stunning! Absolutely stunning! And so, to help us do well, the two things that were critical to the writer of the book of Hebrews—the two things that were absolutely paramount in importance—were number one, holiness, and number two, endurance.
So He said, «Here’s what you’re in the middle of: those who ran the race before you are watching. Don’t forget! Don’t forget it, because you won’t make stupid choices if you remember!»
And the last thing I want to share with you: the two—there are probably dozens of things, but two things have come to my mind in these last several days. The first, that I just shared about the cloud of witnesses, serves to clarify my thinking, to clarify what’s valuable and to see what is worthless—that doesn’t deserve my affection or my time—and what does deserve my affection and my time.
The second one is actually in the Gospel of John, and I’ll read one more verse for you before we wrap this up. It’s in the Gospel of John, chapter 12. John 12. It’s all good; just read anywhere; it’ll bless your life! John 12:24: «Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain.»
Each of the verses that I’ve read today are in a context that certainly deserves better study than I can give today, but I just want to extract a couple principles. The first is the cloud of witnesses; there’s something about this next phase of the race for us that living conscious— you know, don’t talk to the dead; don’t be stupid—but just live aware! Live aware! Live aware. We’re not alone, and it’s not about us!
We get to make decisions that they benefit from and God is glorified by. This last thing I think is helpful for me and hopefully for you: every loss, every disappointment can become a seed that brings increase. Let’s be really honest: some people experience this crisis, this tragedy, and they never walk it through with the Lord. That seed remains alone; it never releases into our life what only God can do with loss, and that is to bring increase, to bring blessing, to bring reward. Only He can take the crisis and turn it into something that changes our life forever. Only He can do that!
I’ve watched, for years and years and years, so many of us go through crises and loss, and there’s the weeping—which is fine! There’s the mourning—but it never becomes something that we journey together with God about. I don’t need explanations from Him; I just need Him. I just need Him. I need the face of God; I need the countenance of God. I need those tender moments where I do my best just to honor Him, just to give Him thanks. I need these moments of interaction because, in that process, a seed is put into the ground that will bring forth increase.
It says in Galatians 6 that God is not mocked; whatever a man sows, he will reap. What does that say for me? To think I could plant a seed in the ground and not have it bring reward is to insult God. It is in the way He created nature itself: there would be sowing and reaping.
Part of this is taking our losses, our pains, our disappointments, all the stuff that didn’t work out as we thought, and we just simply give it to the one who knows what to do with it, and we say, «Son, I’ll take that, and I’m going to put it into the ground and watch what happens.»
The most important thing is that He will be glorified. We get to benefit, but it’s not about us; He will be glorified by the increase, by the blessing. I’m going to share one more illustration and then wrap it up.
Dick Mills, a wonderful prophet friend of our family, has been home with the Lord for a number of years now. I remember him sharing this story—you may remember the costly ointment of Mary. She had this years' worth of salary of increase and wages, and she invested it into this priceless ointment. You know, they didn’t have screw-top lids; it was in a sealed container that, once it was broken, you had to quickly use it because there was no reusing!
She had this ointment, and there was something inexplicable. What she did offended everybody in the room. I mean, the disciples were looking at her realizing she just took sixty thousand dollars' worth of ointment and poured it all over Jesus! It could have been sold; it could have helped the ministry; it could have fed the poor; it could have done so many things! It’s crazy how often we don’t discern a given situation the way He does. He saw it completely different than everybody else in the room.
She was concerned with one thing! If you can imagine—she wasn’t thinking about some personal breakthrough or something; she just wanted to give something of value to Him. So she grabbed her moment and she broke that thing, poured it over His feet, and wiped it in with her hair. This moment! The Bible says what she did will be spoken of throughout eternity.
So, everybody in this room, when you get to heaven, one of the individuals you’re going to want to have a conversation with is that lady, because her story is still being echoed throughout eternity. It made such a mark on eternity; it’s like a high-water mark. What she did impacted the course of history for nation after nation after nation—just a simple vial of ointment that she broke to honor Jesus. But the part that Dick brought to our attention was that when she left the house that day, she smelled the same as Jesus.
She gave it all to Him, but she left smelling just like He did. She poured it all on Him, wiped it in with her hair, but when she left the house that day, she also smelled like a million dollars. There’s something about this life that we live where we grab our moments and we give the most expensive thing, the most difficult thing, where we yield, where we break, where we take that which is priceless, and we just simply say, «It’s all for You.» And Jesus says «That’s right; I’m all for you!»
Something happens in that transaction. Well, I never intended it to be about me, but He seems to just entrust Himself to me more. I can’t explain that one; I’m not sure I even know what I’m talking about, but I do know it’s true. In fact, let me rephrase that. I don’t know what I’m talking about, but I know that He entrusts Himself to those who will embrace mystery, live as a child, and be true worshipers—not make it about themselves, but truly honor the name Jesus.
Listen, I want to thank you. I know that so many of you have been praying day and night for my wife. I’m so thankful! Some of this house’s greatest warriors would come down to our house and just march around the house. We’d look outside and see these violent ones, and it’s just the coolest thing in the world! It was like everybody else on the planet thought we’re crazy, but this made the most sense of anything I’ve seen! The prayer meetings where you guys just spontaneously gather together in your homes and here at Twin View—I’ll owe you for the rest of my life for that. I’m so thankful!
I’m so thankful that this story, this journey, didn’t end when Benny was taken to heaven. I will never all my life forget that moment—it’s a priceless moment of giving thanks and having her escorted into eternity! Man, don’t waste your moments. They’re painful, but they’re priceless, and they shape us, and I’m thankful. I’m thankful, I’m thankful for you.
Her death was the end of one part of my life. I can’t pretend otherwise, but in the bigger picture, it’s the beginning of something else. It’s the beginning! Lou Engle flew from—I forget where he was now, but he called me and said, «I need to see you,» and he told me why. He flew to Redding to have a 20-minute meeting with Benny and me—actually with Benny. I was the tag-along; if you’ve ever been the third person in a date, that’s me in that moment. I was the «third wheel.»
He came because of her book that she had written on communion. At some point in the future, I’m going to share more information that I can give you right now, but the Lord took him into a very interesting experience in the days prior where He began to speak to him and his team that there was coming a massive revival to our nation, and he called it the communion revival. It was because of the broken body and the shed blood; there’s something released!
He wanted to talk with her, ask her questions, and then have her lay hands on him and pray. Little did we know in that moment—little did we know that that would be the last chance like that. But she laid hands and prayed for an impartation to be one of those who championed a revival in all the earth that came from the broken body and the shed blood of Jesus.
It’s so critical that we return to what’s real, and there’s nothing more real than the Lamb of God who sits on the throne, who gave Himself to be bread and wine. So, Father, I ask that even now and in this next season as a church family, that You would help us to play our part well in a revival that will encompass the globe. Amen! We pray this for the honor of the name Jesus and that You would help us not to rush through this season that we’re in—that I’m in right now—not carelessly, but to do so thoroughly. Our heart is just to be faithful. Thank You—in Jesus' name, amen.
Amen! Bless you! Before you step down, so good! I’d like us to pray for the Johnson family, who are up here, over there and right here. So, if you’re close by, just put your hands on them. All of us, extend your hands to Pastor Bill. I just don’t know how he delivers such a profound message in the middle of his pain, but it was incredibly life-changing and impactful!
Father, we release peace that surpasses all understanding that would guard all of their hearts and their minds in Christ Jesus. Father, we thank You that You’re with us in the valley. I pray, as Bill spoke today, that Your presence would go with them, with Bill, the entire family as they process through this time of mourning. Today, we will mourn, but then we will fight. And Lord, we pray for the seeds of Benny’s life to be planted in all of our hearts and to bear fruit thirty-fold, sixty-fold, and a hundred-fold—in Jesus' name! And everybody said, «So be it!»