Peter Tan-Chi - Live In Hope When Relationships Are Difficult
Greetings in the wonderful name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Recently, I read an article. There is a phenomenon in Japan called jouhatsu. Jouhatsu is from a Japanese word that means evaporation. It refers to people who vanish on purpose into thin air and continue to hide their whereabouts, potentially for years, even decades. It has been estimated around 100,000 Japanese people disappear annually. Why? Because of domestic abuse, debt, bankruptcy, they were terminated from their company, shame. When you and I encounter challenges, difficulties, do have a tendency to give up, to run away? Do you wish like you will evaporate or do you wish that others will disappear?
You see, stress does not just come from our external environment like pandemic, sickness. It also comes from within the family, especially family relationships. So, how you deal with difficult people, especially loved ones? I have good news for you! 1 Peter tells us how to deal with difficult relationships. Sometimes, these relationships become toxic. I made a focus group discussion on difficult people, and I was surprised when this young man came up with the answer. You see, most answers talk about why difficult people are family members. Why? Because we live with them 24/7. This pandemic has heightened that tension because we are locked in together. It is like we are in prison together.
However, this young man said something that is very profound. He said, "I discovered that the most difficult people, the most difficult person is myself". The truth is we are all difficult. We have certain traits. We do certain things that may cause irritation to others, but we don't see it. My wife used to say in counseling others, "What is it like living with me"? Learn to ask that question. What is it like to live with me? Many times, we need a mirror to see that we are the difficult person. But today, I'd like to share with you from 1 Peter 3. How do we deal with difficult people? The title for today's message is: I want to share with you from 1 Peter 3, three important principles. I call it the K.F.C. principle.
Now, when you see the word KFC, what enters your mind? I hope it is not just Kentucky Fried Chicken. K stands for Know God's Will. You need to know God's will. F stands for Follow God's Way. It is one thing to know God's will, it's another thing to follow God's way. I will explain the distinction. And lastly, you must Cling to God's Promises. K.F.C. How do you live with difficult people? With hope! And how do you do that? K.F.C. K stands for Know God's Will. F, Follow God's Way. And C, Cling to God's Promises. Let's begin. 1 Peter 3:1-2 Now, before I elaborate on this verse, I want you to notice the introduction of 1 Peter 3, In the same way. What does that mean, in the same way? You will notice that the context of 1 Peter 3 has to do with difficult people. What is God's will? What is God's way in dealing with difficult people? In the same way. Every time you see that word "in the same way," you look at the previous verses. Do you notice?
The context has to do with living with difficult people. It says, God's will is to submit with respect. And then it says, Remember that word "suffering unjustly". What is God's will? God's will is to do what is right and suffer for it. Notice, this finds favor. The word favor is from the word grace. You experience grace with God. What is God's will? Believe it or not, God's will is not for us to revolt, it's not for us to fight, it is to learn to live with difficult people by respecting them, by submitting to them from the heart. The model is Jesus. Look at the next verse. Remember, in the same manner. In other words, the Bible tells us, our model is Jesus. The whole emphasis is simply this: Jesus committed no sin.
In Jesus, there was no deceit even from His words. He lived a perfect life and yet, He suffered for us. Why? The bigger picture, when it comes to suffering, is to realize that in the pursuit of God's purpose, there are many times when you need to suffer. Let me ask you, do you understand God's will when it comes to living with difficult people? Has it ever entered your mind that when you and I live with difficult people, could it be that God is using them to transform your character? Has it ever entered your mind that God is using them in order to accomplish His purpose in your life, through your life. You see, God's will is often counter-intuitive. It's not easy.
For example, the Bible tells us, in order to be a leader, what must you do? God says, be a servant. In order to be the greatest, God says, be the last. It's counter-intuitive. It is so important that we understand the principle of God's design. Just like any equipment, you will always remember this saying, "For best results, follow the manual". Why? Because the manufacturer knows what is best Because they designed it. It's like my cellphone. My cellphone is not to be used under the water But one day, I made a mistake It went to the water and of course, my cellphone was destroyed. In other words, the manufacturer knows what is best. God made you. God made me. He knows what is best For your life, for your family life, For your marriage. Human relationships, the human life, is complex. We need to know God's will. So how do you deal with difficult people?
1. K.F.C. Know God's will. Often times, it is counter-intuitive. 2. You must follow God's way. What is the difference between God's will and God's way? It is almost the same, but it is not the same. Let me give you an example. What do I mean when I say there's a difference between God's will and God's way? The book of Malachi tells us God hates divorce. For some couples, you will say "Well let us just stick it out". But God's way, is not just for husbands and wives to live together. God wants us to forgive one another, to love one another, to enjoy one another, that is the difference between God's will and God's way. An example is the reality of how relationships can be tense, and our human wisdom tells us the best way to be happy is to get out of a relationship. I think of Melinda Gates and Bill Gates... What happened to them? They've been married for 27 years. This guy is probably the richest man. If not one of the richest man in the whole world. His worth over $130 billion in assets.
Can you imagine what this divorce is telling us? After being married for 27 years, here are the following conclusions if you ask me. Happiness does not come from money. They have all the money in the world. Richest couple. Happiness does not come from popularity. If you talk about fame, Bill Gates, Melinda are very popular. They're world famous. Happiness does not come from popularity or fame. Happiness does not even come from purpose. If you talk about their purpose, they were philanthropic. They want to help people. They came up with the richest biggest foundation in the world to do good works, and yet sad to say the two of them decided to end their marriage. As you can see, God's way is different from man's way.
And that's why the Bible tells us in Romans 12:2, The Bible says, don't copy. Do not be conformed to the ways of the world. Don't copy. Be transformed. The word transformed is from a passive verb. It's passive imperative. You allow yourselves to be transformed. How? By the renewing of your mind. You see, the mind is crucial. Until your mind is renewed through the study of God's word, knowing God's will, knowing God's way, the Bible tells us, you will not really be changed. So be renewed. How? By the renewing of your mind. For what purpose? You may prove, what the will of God is, which is good, acceptable, and perfect. God wants you not just to know His will, no, God wants you to follow His way so that you will experience, you will prove. The idea here is so that you will know what is good, acceptable, and perfect.
The operative word is "you may prove," you may experience what the will of God is. Good, acceptable, perfect. And you will only know it is the best when you follow not just head knowledge, but follow. You see, James 1:22 is very emphatic. James said, I don't know how to overemphasize this command. Prove yourselves, not others, for yourself. Be doers of the word. There are many Christians today, they listen to messages, but that's all they do: hearers. Do not be hearers who delude themselves. The Bible says, you are deceiving yourselves, but be doers. So how do you live with difficult people? The K.F.C. principle. K, you must know God's will. F, follow God's way. What do I mean?
Let's look at how Peter expanded knowing God's will, following God's way. Notice what he tells us. Do you notice something? Respectful behavior. What is the Bible saying? In the time of Jesus, women had no rights. If you look at history, in the Jewish culture, in the Roman culture, in the Greek culture, women are not just even second class citizens, third class citizens, absolutely no rights. It's the husband that has full authority. So why is the Bible saying be submissive? Here's the difference. After coming to Christ, their problem is exponentially increased. Why? Because a wife that has become a Christian is going to face double problems. The first problem is the authority of the husband over her. The second is this mindset: "now that I'm a Christian, I am free, we're equal in God's eyes". And Peter is saying, "On the contrary, now that you are a Christian, you must submit not just externally, but from the heart".
You see, God's way is to submit with respect. My wife used to say that submission without respect is not submission. And Peter is saying, notice: Meaning, they are not believers, they can be difficult to live with. Submit to them from the heart with respect The power of modeling, the virtue of Jesus. Can you imagine? They may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives. I call this silent witnessing. The reality is this. If a woman keeps on nagging, if a woman does not show respect, no matter how much she talks about her faith or Jesus, it is extremely very difficult for the husband to come to Christ. But if a woman lives by example, what kind of example?
Remember the following: It is something that the husband can see. Observe your chaste... The word chaste means what? Holy, pure, and respectful behavior. Peter continues. He's not saying, you are not allowed to fix your hair, you're not allowed to wear jewelry, you're not allowed to wear clothes. He's not saying that. But he's saying, what is even more important, The emphasis is a gentle and quiet spirit, precious in the sight of God. Ladies, can I tell you a secret? These principles of how a wife should treat a husband is also universal in terms of how a lady should treat other people. And this also applies to all of us. Gentle, quiet spirit. There was a time when my wife and I attended a party. And seated in that table was a couple that has come to know Jesus.
So I asked the husband, "Tell me your spiritual journey". And this successful businessman pointed to his wife. "The secret of my coming to Jesus is because of her". I said, "What do you mean"? And he said, "My wife's respectful behavior". And my wife and I remembered that years ago, the man was very unreasonable, very abusive, and the wife was running away from him. The wife was so scared. The wife locked herself in the toilet and she called my wife in the cell phone. She said, "My husband is very angry. What do I do"? So my wife counseled her based on the principle of Be respectful, gentle, and quiet spirit. Years went by. Before we knew it, her husband indeed began attending Bible study. A gentle, quiet spirit.
The word gentle means what? Meekness. The word gentle means what? Strength under control. You see, gentleness is the fruit of the Spirit of God. It is supernatural. When God gives you gentleness, quiet spirit, a peaceful spirit, not agitated, not anxious. As you listen to this message, I want to encourage you. If you are not yet there, don't despair, because the Christian life is progressive. I'm sharing this with you not to condemn you. I'm sharing this truth so that we will all grow in our spiritual life, especially in our character. Peter continues He now uses the Old Testament as an example of what it means to submit with respect. He uses Sarah. Notice. What is the Bible talking about? The Bible is telling us, as a model of a gentle and quiet spirit, you look at the Old Testament. These are people whose hope is in God.
You see, the foundation of the Christian behavior, knowing God's will and following God's way, is anchored on your faith in God. The more you know God, the more you trust Him, the more you will follow. being submissive to their own husbands. Notice the qualification. Women are to be submissive to their own husbands with respect. Just as Sarah obeyed Abraham calling him. Lord. Small letter l. The word Sarah means princess. Princess Sarah treated Abraham as lord, as a prince. I always tell men and women, if you treat your husband like a prince, Lord willing, he will treat you like a princess. You will notice, God's way is always balanced. God tells the wife what to do and God tells the husband what to do. I'm going to elaborate on the husband later on, but in the meantime, I want you to see how balanced it is.
The secret is to do everything as to the Lord. When the wife submits, it is submitting to the Lord. But then, the Bible tells the husbands, This is revolutionary, because in the days of Jesus, a husband is a despot, he is a dictator. And now, God is saying, "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church". The standard is how Jesus loved the church. And how did Jesus love the church? The Bible tells us, gave Himself up. Jesus died for the church, for us. Husbands, are you willing to love your wife in such a way that you are willing to die for her? I guarantee you, if your wife is convinced that her husband loves her so much that he's willing to die for her, submission will not be a problem. Regarding knowing God's will, following God's way, especially when it comes to submission, allow me introduce to you our sharer, which is none other than my wife. Let's welcome, Deonna.
Deonna: So Peter, thank you for this opportunity for me to share with the women about submission. May I ask you, on a scale of 1 to 10, how submissive do you see me as?
Peter: Wow, I'm put on the spot! My wife is very submissive. 9.
Deonna: Okay. The reality is, ladies, and Peter knows this, I'm a very strong-willed and opinionated person. And I think that naturally for us women, it is difficult to submit to our husbands, especially in today's society where women are quite accomplished, educated, you know, they have their opinions, of course, women's lib, which is making us feel that we need to strive for equality. However, I know I'm equal with you in God's eyes, right? Yes. Okay. Thank you. And so, the reality is that I can't submit and you can't submit to our husbands in God's way with a respectful attitude, gentle, and quiet spirit, apart from the empowering of the Holy Spirit. But for those of you ladies who are living with difficult husbands, the advice of God through Peter is so crucial. When we're nagging, we keep on trying to force our opinion, we're speaking so loudly that they cannot hear the voice of God. And do you know that the silent testimony of a modeling Christlike behavior speaks more volumes than all the words we can speak. So there have been times you have noticed that I'm a little irritated, right? Or I'm disrespectful. I have been. And what do you do?
Peter: When my wife is disrespectful, I will call her out. I always say, "watch your tone of voice. Why are you speaking to me this way? You will never do that to other people. Why are you doing that to me"?
Deonna: Yes. And you know what? I have to say I'm so sorry, please forgive me and ask the Holy spirit to control me again.
Peter: Thank you, Deonna, because it's really true. It's never easy for a wife to submit because our human nature reacts to submission. But it is God's design. It is God's way. Be honest, by submitting, are you happier?
Deonna: Yes. For example, today, I'm supposed to have discipleship with a lady today at this time, but Peter said, "Can you just move it until tomorrow"? And I thought, "Oh, would she be okay with it"? But I said, "Okay, sure. I'll try". And I'm so happy because I'm more relaxed today. And she said yes for tomorrow. So, do God's will God's way and you will see the blessings.
Peter: One of the fallacies of following God's way is the 50-50 principle. What is the 50-50 principle? I will do my part if you do your part. You will never find that in the Bible. The biblical principle is you do your part. Don't worry about doing the part of your spouse. Let God do His part. Let the other party do his or her part. Your part is to follow God's way. No excuses because God holds you responsible and accountable in doing your part. That is the meaning of follow God's way. It is never conditional. It is never a 50-50. What is it? It's 100%. You do it because you trust God. What about the men? Well, let me tell you, men, this is what God wants you to do. "You husbands, in the same way". Do you notice? The same principle: the principle of doing God's will God's way. What is that principle? "Live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."
These verses have a lot of amazing truth and instructions for us men. I want you to notice the following: live with your wives in an understanding way. What does that mean, understanding way? The word understanding comes from a compound word from the Greek language. It is in accordance with knowledge, meaning you fully understand your wife. I am learning. To understand my wife. I need to know her. To know your wife, you must know the needs. And what are the needs of our wives? For many people, we focus on physical needs: food, clothing, shelter. Most men just focus on physical needs, but the Bible is very clear.
What about emotional needs? What do I mean by emotional needs? What are the fears? What are the worries? What makes your wife anxious? Do you know the dreams of your wife? But more importantly, the spiritual needs of your wife? Why is that important? Because spiritual needs are the foundation of all needs. Let me give you an example. If somebody is always fearful, if somebody is always anxious, what is the problem? Is the problem of fear traceable to circumstantial problem? Or is it deeper? It should because of their inability to trust God? Is it because we're not able to surrender it to God. Is that the real problem? Or is not being able to surrender to God, not able to trust God a superficial problem? What's the deeper problem?
The deeper problem, could it be, the party or your wife does not really know God? You see if you are... If you don't know God, if you do not know His power, His greatness, how will you trust Him? This is the meaning of spiritual problem. You go deeper. And that's why I tell the men, "It is always important to disciple your wife. Find out the root problem". 1 Peter 3 talks about the importance of respect, giving honor. It says here, not only in an understanding manner, notice the word understanding, as someone weaker.
Now, the Bible is not saying that the wife is inferior. This verse is simply saying a wife is physically weaker. She's fragile. It is the idea of she is precious. She is fragile and the truth is, they are more sensitive. And gentlemen, you have to treat her with care, with respect. Since she's a woman, show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life. Show her honor. The word honor, show her importance, show her respect. When the Bible talks about a weaker vessel, it has nothing to do with inferiority or superiority. The Bible is very clear. The Bible says there is neither Jew nor Greek. There is neither slave nor free man. There is neither male or female. You are all one in Christ Jesus. In the eyes of God, we are all equal. But the role of a husband, the role of a wife, when it comes to God's way, is different because God designed us. God knows what is best for a husband, for a wife.
So different roles does not mean superiority or inferiority. It is just the principle of God's design. He knows what is best. So gentlemen, I pray, you will embrace your God given responsibility to love your wife, to understand your wife, to grant her honor, because it will affect your prayer life. And how am I applying this in my life? Listening more. Being more gentle. Being more patient. There are times when my wife would do certain things that would really upset me, that would irritate me, because these are the same mistakes she will do again and again. But the Lord is telling me, "Understand her". So, the way I understand my wife, I grant her honor. I have learned small things, remember that saying "don't sweat over small stuff"? Everything is small stuff. That's the truth. You don't have to make a mole hill into a mountain.
So, live with your wife in an understanding way. Grant her honor. Why is this so important? The Bible tells us, God's way is such that your vertical relationship and your horizontal relationship are intertwined. You cannot just say "I'm right with God", but your horizontal relationship does not matter. That is false spirituality. True spirituality is tested in the home life. It is tested in committed relationships. Why? In a committed relationship, you cannot run. In a committed relationship like husband and wife, parents, and children, you just cannot escape. You need to apply the power of the Holy Spirit. You need to grow in the fruit of the Spirit. And that's why it says, It is not optional to live with your wife in an understanding way. Be gentle. Grant her respect. Grant her honor.
This is universal in all relationships. We must give each other hearing. Be understanding, be gentle. As you can see the role of a wife, the role of a husband, in God's way is not always easy. Live with hope when relationships are difficult. Remember, K.F.C. K, Know God's will. How do you know God's will? Study God's word. How do you follow God's way? Do your part. Obey. Live it out. That's how you follow God's way. Cling to God's promises. What does it mean to cling to God's promises? Well, Look at 1 Peter 3:8-9. You will notice, as I've said in the beginning, this message is for everybody. And that's why Peter repeats it. Notice, to sum it up. All of them: single, married, young, old, all of you. What must you do? It gives you different qualities that you must do. Harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, humble in spirit.
This is all about love in action. And then, he tells you the negative. Don't, don't do what? Returning evil for evil insult for insult. Then, he summarizes giving a blessing. Wow! These are all love in action. When you cling to the promise of God, what is the promise of God? You and I are called to inherit a blessing. And he tells you that this is what you need to do to inherit a blessing: knowing God's will, following God's way, cling to the promise. You will notice clinging to God's promises is always linked with obedience. The blessing of answered prayers is also conditioned to obedience. So God tells us, blessing is always connected with obedience. In God's economy, you cannot separate God's blessing from obedience. It is so important that we understand this principle. 1 Peter 3:9 onwards is an exact quotation from Psalm 34. Look at what it says.
Do you now notice the condition of the promise? The one who desires life. Do you really desire life? God is telling you, do you really love to see good days? God is saying, this is a promise. If you want to see good days, what must you do in order to experience His promises? The promise of what? Life, good days, blessing. Do you notice that this deals with the sin of the heart? Why? Because the Bible tells us, The mouth is the loud speaker of the heart, and God is saying, you guard your heart by guarding your mouth. Those are all interconnected. Guard your tongue, guard your lips. This is the meaning of the word repentance. When you repent, you turn away from evil and you do good. The key to blessing, if you want to cling to God's blessing, you must understand the condition: repentance. It's pursuing what?
Seek peace and pursue it. These are action words. And he continues by saying, He now gives you an assurance that whatever you are doing, God knows. The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous. It's a promise. God sees. God knows. God cares. His ears attend to their prayer. Amazing intimacy with God. What a blessing! And then, He gives you the assurance of protection. The face of the Lord is against those who do evil. See, God says, "You do your part because I promise to bless you". Many times, we don't realize God wants us to be motivated by His promises. It is not wrong to be motivated by the promises of God. Because when we are motivated by the promises of God, we are saying we have faith in Him. We believe in His character.
To be motivated by God's promises is really Biblical. It is found in the BIble, you have many, many verses that talk about God wants us to believe Him and believe in His promises. This is so important that I want you to understand the heart of God. God is telling us, in difficult times, yes, you will face trials, but you've got to live in hope. Hope for what? You cling to the promise of God. What is God's promise? Do you notice is throughout the Bible, but this is so clear, Deuteronomy 30, The contrast is so clear. God is telling you today, those of you who are listening, Notice the contrast? It's your choice. God tells us He's giving us a choice, blessing, or a curse. I don't know if you recall this chart that I explained sometime ago. God's blessing. God's will, you must know God's will. You must follow God's way. And in God's time, as you cling to His promises, what will you encounter? God's best. You and I have no idea what is God's best, but you will never regret it.
Let me end with this amazing story of a mother to her daughter. Because the daughter was always complaining. The daughter was so negative. She's always telling her mom what's wrong with other people, what's wrong with her classmates, what's wrong with their teachers. So, this is what the mother said. "I want you to consider these three objects: carrot, egg, and coffee beans". And the daughter could not get it. The daughter said, "What has that got to do with my complaining, with all the problems I'm telling you"? Her mom said, "Daughter, carrot. It's hard. Once you put it in the boiling water, what happens? It becomes mushy. It becomes very weak. Egg. What happens to the egg? When you put it in boiling water, it becomes hard. Some people are like the carrot and some like the egg. They're strong. When tough times come, they become weak. Some are soft. When they face tough times, they become hardened. What about coffee beans"?
Her mom said, "You put the coffee beans, you put it in boiling water and what happens? Wow! After a while, you smell the aroma, the coffee beans transform the boiling water. And that's what you must become, my dear. Like coffee beans, transform the environment. You become an aroma for Jesus". Question. We all face difficult people. When you encounter difficult people, do you become hardened? Do you run away? Or are you able to influence them? The ultimate blessing is either God changes the person or God will change you so that you will be transformed in your character. When you are faced with difficult people or faced with toxic people, don't ever say, "That person bothers me".
You must say, "That person sanctifies me". You see, God will use difficult people to mold our character until we become more and more Christlike. You can honestly say from the heart, if you are dealing with difficult people, can you honestly say, "Lord, I thank You for this person! I thank You that You are using this person to transform me"! Don't be preoccupied in trying to change people. Not be preoccupied in trying to control others. Focus on "Lord, help me. Thank You for the human instrument You're using to make me a better person"!
If this message has been meaningful to you, except you have a problem. You say, "Peter, I don't have the faith to trust God. I cannot believe that God can use these people to transform my character". Can I share something with you? Is it possible that you may know about God, but you have not really known Him from your heart. I'd like to say a prayer for you, a prayer that God will speak to you, that you will make a decision to really follow God. Remember, God is telling us, "I give you a choice, life or death. Blessing or curse". How do you choose life? You follow Jesus. Have you ever committed your life to Jesus? Let's pray.
Father God in heaven, I just realized that You love me so much that You want what's best for me. Help me to embrace the importance of knowing Your will, following Your ways, and clinging to Your promise. Lord Jesus, I now cling to Your promise. I choose life. I choose to follow You. Come into my life. Be my Lord. Be my Savior. Help me to be able to transfer my fear, my anxiety to You, because You love us and You promised to bless us as we follow You. Thank You, Jesus! I accept Your gift of forgiveness. I accept Your gift of eternal life. Come into my life in Jesus' name we all pray. Amen and amen.