Andy Stanley - The Journey to True Happiness
Hi, everybody. Welcome to "Your Move" where we help you make better decisions and live with fewer regrets. I'm Andy Stanley, and I have a question for you, and I want you to pay close attention to the first thing that comes to mind and either write it down now or perhaps later, but pay attention even if you don't like your answer. You ready? What do you want? What do you want? Now, I know you want a lot of things, me too, but what was the first thing that came to mind? I want you to hang on to that for just a minute. Second question. Now that you've had a minute to think, what do you really want?
If something that can be purchased came to mind the first time I asked the question, a car, a house, a couch, you know, whatever, why do you want that? Why is that important? What's behind that? What do you really want? What does that item represent to you, freedom, security, fun? I mean, you want a new car, because... You want your own home, because... You want to upgrade your kitchen, because... You see how it works? Things, and this is important, things are always a means to an end. What's the end? What do you really want? Perhaps what came to mind wasn't a thing. Perhaps it was a relationship. You want a boyfriend, you want a girlfriend. Maybe you want a different boyfriend or a different girlfriend.
You wanna be married. You want a baby. All of these things are good things, but still, as odd as it sounds, even those things are a means to an end. So what's the end? What do you really want? Now I know this is all a bit overwhelming to think about, but it's important to think about and I think you owe it to yourself to think about it, because if you don't know what you really want, you may spend a season or two of your life chasing something or someone you don't really want, something or someone that's not a means to the end that you actually desire. And people do this all the time. Good people do this all the time. In fact, most people's greatest regret, relationship regret, a purchasing regret, most regrets are the result of pursuing something or somebody we wanted in the moment that distracted us from what we ultimately want. Worse than a distraction.
I bet you know people who spent so much time chasing the wrong thing that, now the right thing, the thing they really wanted, it's out of reach. And I don't want that to happen to you, and you don't want that to happen to you, but it could. It could, because we're constantly tempted to opt for immediate over ultimate. And it's virtually impossible to resist the temptation, if you haven't identified what you really, really want out of life. Now, look, you've lived long enough to know that immediate, immediate rarely lines up with ultimate, right? Ultimately, you want to be in shape. Immediately, you want some sticky toffee pudding. Well, that's what I want immediately. Immediately, you don't want to go home alone.
But ultimately you want someone to go home too, someone who loves you, someone you can love back. But a series of short-term relationships, you know this, that doesn't get you there. You get it. You get it, because we all wrestle with it. That's why it's important for you to identify, to recognize, maybe to admit what you really, really want. It's why every truly happy person you've ever met is someone who's taken the time to discover what they really want out of life. And then they begin living, choosing, deciding in that direction. They begin prioritizing ultimate over immediate, later over now. Happy people recognize that later is longer. And later is worth sacrificing for.
So, again, what do you really want? Another reason this is so hard to get our head around is that thanks to social media, it appears as if everybody else has what they want, right? In fact, they have what you want. They're living your best life. And I know you know this, but it's worth saying anyway, advertisers and marketers, they don't want you to wait for anything. Come on. They work hard to make us feel like we're being left out, left behind, missing out. And as a result, if we haven't identified what we really want out of life, we live in a constant state of discontentment, caught in the comparison trap, infected with a bad case of never-enoughness and gotta-have-it-nowness.
So we move from experience to experience, purchase to purchase, unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship. And after a season or two bouncing from thing to thing, person to person, to borrow from an '80s U2 song, we realize we still haven't found what we're looking for. Why? Because most people never stop to ask, what am I actually looking for? So, what are you looking for? Here's something happy people have discovered. And this is a game changer. Lurking in the shadows of what we think we want is what we value. Everything you want...
Now think about this. Everything you want now is actually, indirectly connected to something that you value. Do you want a girlfriend or do you want a meaningful, relational connection? Is marriage really what you want, or do you want to really be fully known and fully loved by someone? Lurking in the shadows of what you say you want is what you value. And happy and content is the man or woman who does the work to discover what they value most. If you fail to discover what you value, you will never get what you ultimately want. That bears repeating. This is so important. If you fail to discover what you truly value, you'll never get what you ultimately want, consequently, you'll never be happy.
So let's change the question. What do you value most? Now I can actually help you with that one. Actually, the person who helped me with that one can help you with that one. When I was 31 years old, I read the book, "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey. It's a fantastic book. In habit two of the seven habits is this. He says, "Begin with the end in mind". And in that section of the book, he asks readers to imagine that they're in the audience at their own funeral, listening to people who are important to them talk about them, a best friend, a parent, a spouse, a child, a coach, a boss. And then he asked readers to put the book down, and write down, and I'm gonna personalize it for the sake of simplicity, he asked us to write down what we would want to hear each of those people say about us at our funeral.
Now, if you're not married, he suggests you write down what you would hope a future husband, or a future wife, or a future child would say about you. So, to be honest, when I'm reading a book and the author gives me an assignment like that, I usually just ignore it and just keep reading the book. But not this time. I actually got a notebook and started writing, what would I want Sandra to say about me at my funeral? What would I want people at work to say about me? Two people I work with in particular. What would I want the kids I'd mentor to say about me? We didn't have children at the time, but I went out and wrote out a paragraph of what I would want a future son or a future daughter to say about me in the end. I actually spent 15 minutes each morning for several mornings working through this exercise, and then I picked the book back up. And what he said next, well, this rocked my world in in a good way, and I want it to rock your world as well.
Here's what he wrote. He said, "If you carefully consider what you want to be said of you at the end of your life, you will discover your personal definition of success". Again, if you carefully consider what you want to be said of you at the end of your life, you will discover your personal definition of success. In our terms, you'll discover what you value most. And I certainly did. And I have done my best to live, to decide, and to prioritize accordingly. Now, if you'll take the time to work your way through that exercise, you'll discover what you value most as well, what you value most versus what you simply want now. So back to our original question, what do you want? Your answer to that question will change from season to season. I get that. That's why this is the better question. What do you value most? Do you know? Do you want to find out? Well, now it's your move.